Grave Digger, When You Dig My Grave...

Could you make it shallow, so I can feel the rain?

It might be my med-haze, (I am calling it DarvHead now.) but that Dave Matthew Band song is, perhaps, the most perfect sentiment.

So, my already dangerously low attention span has been further reduced my my pain meds, so we're gonna take a go at today's post in short little bursts.

First off, I need to welcome everyone from TottyLand. Hi, pull up a seat. If you have any questions, feel free to raise your hand. We're fairly casual here...no dress code or anything. But, it is suggested, that if you are hot you should wear as little as possible.

The heir and the heiress, both named Paris. Yes, it's true. Paris Hilton is now engaged to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis. Now, I don't know Paris Hilton personally...yet...but, is it bad that I think she is with Paris Latsis only because his name is Paris; for the novelty of it? If I were heir to a hotel fortune and I had an unusual name and no one would question my actions, I would certainly do the same.

Now, on to Britney. My love for Britney Spears is directly inverse to the public's opinion of her. The more everyone hates her and ridicules her for her actions and behaviors, the more endearing I find her. It's a little gross. With her new show, Chaotic, America is getting a glimpe of exactly how she lives her life. Everyone is appalled by her Cheeto-eating, barefoot-peeing, dirty-sex-talking, pig-face-making self. PEOPLE: you have to realize...this is who she has always been. You can wrap her in latex and spray on the makeup...but, at heart she is still a poor girl from Louisiana. She IS white trash, and she is just returning to her roots. (brunette as they may be)

Nick and Jessica aren't divorced...yet. Reports were briefly published online this week that they had filed for divorce and then quickly yanked when they proved unfounded. I feel very sorry for these two. Even if they weren't having marital problems, it's only a matter of time before these stories would cause them.

This Sunday, June 5th, I am going to Indianapolis to see Bill Clinton speak at Congregation Beth El-Zedeck. His topic is "Peace and Social Justice in the Post-911 World". I am SO excited. I can only name a couple things that would rate higher than going to see him speak, and they both involve sex. And, considering I am newly* single, that is probably not going to happen.

Church is My Bitch

American poems (Whose America?)

American poems

It's not often that I am so affected by something a random person wrote that I feel a need to respond. This is a different case, though. I came across this blog by clicking the oh-so-innocent-looking 'Next Blog' button at the top of my screen. I only made it through the first sentence before I realized that I should click my mouse back to my "Tragic Demise" home. Equal opportunity does not mean equal result. I have only heard those words from people that are about to piss me off. But, I continued...with care.

OK, now...it's not that I hate conservatives (label applied by me)...I even know a few. But some of the things that have fallen onto this guy's keyboard really started to piss me off.

His first poem is about Memorial day...sounds good. He reminisces about past experiences. I don't share any of those experiences, so I believe what he writes.

BUT, then he goes on to write about how he doesn't want to nuke Mexico...but only because he wants to kill them himself. He weighs in on Terri Schiavo, gay marriage, terrorists.....and is against immigration - legal or otherwise from what I can tell.

He loves guns, is pro-war...but thinks abortion is murder. I've never understood that one...

So, this is my rant. I am going to go back to my inclusive, believing, loving, you're-as-good-as-me life...

(This post was e-mailed...I will have to check it out and see how it worked.)

Reasons

Reason #376 that Tiffany is my best friend for the past (almost) 20 years:

On Thursday night she was in town (WOOHOO) and she picked me up to spend the evening together doing "something free"...which means going to the mall and not spending any money. We had gotten in her rental car and just driven away from my house when she turned to me and said,

Tiffany: "So, I read your blog..."
Matty: "Yeah?"
Tiffany: "You're better now, right?"
Matty: "Yeah."
Tiffany: "Good."
Matty: "Yeah."

I love when people just get me, lol.

Reason #215 Lynnty Pants is my favorite: She went to Pepe's after work with Tiffany and I for a drink, but ordered water. She then complained about not having any money to buy a drink. I offer, of course, to buy her a drink and she protests valiantly...all the while drooling in the general direction of the liquor. I order her a vodka/sprite...she objects...our friend Forray starts to pour, laughing at Lynn. Lynn objects, literally, until the drink is being placed in front of her...but she doesn't even let it hit the counter...she grabs it out of Forray's hand for the first sip. :)

My Name is Darvocet, BITCH...

And you better reckanize!

I hate being medicated. Nothing works right. Last night it took me 20 minutes to drag myself up from sleep...and that made me miss Chaotic. (I really wanna see an episode.) No matter, though...my drug induced mind made up a whole show for me. It wasn't as good as I thought it would be, so I probably won't tune in next week. ;)

Just found out that my store is giving away a free Blackberry Handheld with a $50 Docker's purchase. (free after mail in rebate, requires 2 year service contract.) There is probably a May Company store near you...just click here to check.

I tried to make grilled cheese and soup for lunch today. I spent 5 minutes searching for a pot to make the sandwich and a knife to open the can of soup. Did I mention I hate being medicated? So, I decided I would use the toaster oven to make grilled cheese, (I should call it cooked cheese, now) and the microwave to make soup...good call.

And I just spaced out for, like, 5 minutes...this is fun. I have to take more medicine...and then go to work. YIPPEE Should be a fun day.

Once Again

I know we've talked about this all before, but I need to make sure you didn't forget to do it. Just click...sign...done. No money involved. Watch the video here. I get chills every time I watch it...but I am a pansy (Bubble Pop Electric, anyone?) when it comes to those things, anyway. Come on...you can do it...all your favorite people have already signed it.



By directing an additional ONE percent of the U.S. budget toward providing the most basic needs – and fighting the corruption that wastes precious resources –– we can help transform the futures and hopes of an entire generation in the poorest countries.

With an additional ONE percent of our budget:

•We can help prevent 10 million children from becoming AIDS orphans

•We can help get 104 million children into grade school.

•We can help provide fresh water to almost 900 million people around the globe.

•We can save almost 6.5 million children under 5 from dying of diseases that could be prevented with low-cost measures like vaccination or a well for clean water.

•We can build a better, safer world for all.

Under the Radar

With all my goings-on over the weekend, I completely forgot to tell you guys about the (re)launch of Radar Magazine. In their own words, it is a mag about pop, politics, gossip, and glamour. I describe as a magazine that real people can keep up with. I mean, I read Vitals...but I can't buy anything they feature, I can only try to care about the things they talk about sometimes, and I am never going to be as cool as they want me to be. Radar is different. It is about things that people I know are ACTUALLY talking about...it's not about creating hype for something...just telling you they rest of the story about things you heard in passing. I'll give you a few choice bits from this issue:

The Radar Guide to the Beach

DO pee in the ocean.
DON'T yell, "I'm peeing," no matter how great it feels.
Note: If you are going to be peeing in the ocean, be all the way in the ocean.

DO smoke at the beach.
Looks cool. Is cool.

If you drown, DO go down quietly. Have some class. People are trying to read.

DO be hot.
DON'T be not hot.

Words to live by, my friends...


Their cover is a picture of Paris Hilton receiving some sort of medal from GWB...Cover story: NO TALENT? NO PROBLEM! HOW TO BE FAMOUS FOR DOING NOTHING AT ALL. (Now, THAT I can do.)

How about a list of books that people are ACTUALLY reading? And with the buzz about it...and a comparable book that you might have already finished. So, for those of you that enjoyed The Devil Wears Prada...you might want to check out The Washingtonienne. (By the way, I think I heard a rumor that Meryl Streep has been cast in the movie version of DWP.)

How to speak Hollywood

• Adoption (n) the preferred form of reproduction for members of a publicly heterosexual relationship when one or both of the parties is actually homosexual.
• Denial (n) a postponement of the inevitable, as in, "Everything you've said is true, and we'll admit to it in a press release on Friday afternoon, after the Page Six staff leave the office for the Hamptons." See also "No Comment"
• Friends (n, pl) sexual partners, as in, "A rep for the actress stated that she and Timberlake we just friends." See also"never met," as in, The actress's spokesperson laughed, claiming her client and Crowe had never met." This can indicate that a brief, mutually unsatisfying sexual experience took place.
• Trainer (n) the gay lover of a closeted star spotted in public, as in, "The action star was accompanied to Jamba Juice by his trainer." See also "travelling companion," "producing partner."

Get it at your local news-stand. You'll like it.

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Matty McMattMatt, Already In Progress . . . . .

Wow, 2 days. Not much of a break, but it's what I needed, I guess.

Lynn was right on target with her idea for retail therapy. It sounds shallow, but it's amazing what a new pair of Kenneth Cole sandals and piece of Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake can do for a boy.

Lynn and I spent the afternoon at Castleton Mall in Indianapolis. We were on the hunt for mandals, (man+sandals=mandals) and she picked up a sweet pair of BCBG pumps along the way at DSW. After we had explored Castleton all we could stand it was off the the Fashion Mall at Keystone for CHEESECAKE FACTORY!!!!!

Oh dear lord...The noises I made while eating my slice of Godiva chocolate Cheesecake should have been censored. As Lynn said, "Well, at least neither one of us needs laid this week." and I responded (as well as I could...hard to form sentences at this point), "True...I think I'm good."

So, we sat and chatted over cheesecake for about an hour and then hit the mall. Restoration Hardware, Pottery Barn, Parisian, Saks, Banana Republic, Illuminations, we hit everything.

I have a new favorite store. Tucked up in a dark corner near the second floor entrance to Saks is a little tiny store called Wicked Monkey. There's not a lot of anything...but there's a little of everything. A few styles of jeans, a couple dozen tops, great watches, and interesting belts. I held back...and bought nothing. But, I know where I am shopping from now on when I am in Indianapolis.

At Parisian, I found Thierry Mugler's Angel Men that I have been looking for over the past couple years, but all my usual stores stopped carrying it. One spritz later and I was ready to have sex with myself...I smelled that good. (I can still smell is now...just did.)

A short stop at Bed, Bath and Beyond...and we were headed home. I picked up a nifty tie rack...the plastic hanger I've been using just isn't cutting it.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

So, drama's over...I think. I had gone out Saturday night with the sole intention of being so drunk I couldn't find the phone to call 20. We went to Brittnie, Bonnie, and Forray's house and I had several beers, then hit Jake's Roadhouse where I had several vodka/cokes...and then went back to James' house, where we split (read: I drank) 1/2 a bottle of vodka. I didn't get home till 6:00 Sunday morning.

Unfortunately, he made the bad decision to leave me an IM while I was out saying only, "I'm not going." (To the appt I made for him.) I picked up the phone, stabbed some buttons and got him on the phone. We yelled at each other for about 20 minutes, during which I made it more than clear that his bad decisions were not my fault, and that I had done all I would to help him. I let him know that our relationship was destructive to me...and obviously him...and we were going to cut all contact. (I think I actually used the words 'cease and desist'.) He tried to make me feel guilty about "doing this to him" after 4 years of knowing each other...saying that I was not a good friend if I could just leave at the drop of a hat. My last words to him were, "If I don't do this...the next thing to drop is going to be me...Goodbye." A quick delete from the phone and AIM...I don't think I could contact him now if I tried. (Good thing.)

So, I am sorry for pushing this out into the world for all to see. I needed to vent and you guys were the closest audience. (And you couldn't really talk back...which I need sometimes. lol)

I want to thank ALL OF YOU for the kind words you left in comments and by e-mail. Jake, Jason, J6, BF, Pimpin' and Adam especially. I haven't known any of you very long...don't know you at all, really...but, your words of encouragement have made me feel like maybe there are great guys out there, still. I now know some incredible people have entered my life that I would have missed out on if I hadn't shared my stories this way. We may never meet...but I am touched and awed by your willingness to reach out to a near-stranger in a time of need to offer any comfort you could.

Sorry for the downer....

I think I am gonna take a minute off the blog...

I want you guys to AIM me StructureExpress and I will try to keep up, but, I am trying to deal with a lot...


And I am crying a lot, lately. Like right now. Thanks...and don't forget me

FUCK YOU! No, Not You...HIM. FUCK HIM!

So, last night was pretty fun. Went to Where Else? to see the the girls with Lynnty Pants and Throbyn Toole. Our friend Shelby just started working there, so we went through the whole "SMALL WORLD, DUDE!" thing. Had a few drinks....a couple shots...and pissed in the grossest bathroom in north-central Indiana. Lynn is sick, though, so we left after only a couple hours. She only had 2 drinks, but it hit her hard. Could have been the cold medicine she took before we went out. I was gonna take a cab home, but Robyn volunteered to drive me, YAY...saved $15.

Got home and couldn't sleep, so I was online with my boyfriends Adam and Pimpin' until the sun came up this morning. I love my boys.

I got asked out on a date last night...with a boy. Unfortunately, this boy and I have already slept together. I know what you're thinking. Must not be very memorable if he forgot. Well, you would be wrong. We hooked up at a party and when we were done (well, he was done) he got dressed and then proceeded to tell me how many days he had been on Tina in a row and how high he was. So, Mr. Crystal Queen was talking to me last night as if we had never met.

Mr. CQ, you will never again know the wonder that is Matty McMattMatt.

So, today we are supposed to go over the the girl's house for grilling, kegging, and smoking. We were supposed to be there at 10...and it's almost 2:00 now...I don't think any of us are very motivated today. I have new motivation to be pissed off, though.

The 20-year-old has not been talking to me. I didn't write anything about it on here, really. And I didn't say anything to my friends, except for one drunken night on Lynn's balcony. We started out as just the occasional hook-up. Once every 6-8 weeks or so. Well, starting in April, it got to be more and more...8 times in 5 weeks. We never saw each other 2 days in a row...I would have to start calling it something, then...like 'dating' or 'seeing each other' at least.

I had a slight break down about it with Lynn one night and decided I had to end it. Well, I had the conversation with him about it and it didn't go well. I tried to explain to him that we were certainly not meant to be together and we were basically wasting each other's time while we could be meeting someone else that would last. He thought that, by that, I hated him...and didn't want to be friends...as we had been before. So, after our conversation about 'the end' he stopped talking to me. He would sign onto AIM and ignore me...even though I know I am the only person he has on his buddy list. He sent a random group e-mail and then one back to me saying that he hadn't meant it to be sent to me. blah blah blah

Anyway, he signs online today...and I expected nothing. NO...I get this message...

20: I hate you, you know that, right?
20: I thought you were in love with me.
Me: I never said that. We never discussed that. Were you in love?
20: NO. But I thought you loved me.

--nothing for 5 minutes--

Me: I'm sorry if you thought that. I thought it was pretty understood what was going on. We started out as friends and it got way more involved than it should've. I was trying to salvage a friendship if I could.
20: i thought we were gonna b 2gether.
Me: You just said you didn't love me. We've covered this. Why would we end up together?
20: Well i just wanted u to kno that i just got back from a party in indy. i let 4 guys fuck me bareback.
20: and i tried coke

--nothing for 3 minutes--

Me: What am I supposed to say to that?
20: well, aren't you jealous?
Me: No
Me: I'm pissed at you for being a stupid prick...but jealousy is not entering the equation.
20: u're calling me a prick? fuck you.
Me: You know what, 20? I am calling you a prick. You just did something supremely stupid to get me to be jealous.
20: fuck you.
Me: Did you know these guys? Where were you at?
20: no didn't know them. some house downtown.

--nothing...2 minutes--
(As I get the phone book and sit on-hold)

Me: Are you going to get tested?
20: maybe
Me: You are. On Monday. What time are you free?
20: I'm busy.
Me: Not anymore...I'm picking you up at 11:00.
Me: We have appointments at 11:30 at Unity.

And then he signed off. So, I dunno what you are all doing next week, but I am gonna be waiting for test results. Even if he decides not to be home...I should get tested again, I guess.

And now I am sitting here crying about the thought of him possibly being sick and losing ANOTHER friend to it. (Not likely, I know...but possible.) And crying about the fact that he, possibly, did it because of me. It's completely out of character from what I know from him.

And now my throat hurts because I have been yelling FUCK YOU! at the top of my lungs.

All I can think about is going to the girls' house. There is beer there, and pot...although, the pot would be an escapism tactic...and I don't like that. I liked it the other night when it was unexpected and fun.

Whatever...this post is just a big pile of throw-up, (And I almost wish I hadn't written it) BUT that's what's going on with me, and if you don't wanna know...don't read.

Word Salad

This is gonna have to be a quick post. Everyone thinks I am in the shower getting ready to go out. Please ignore spelling and grammar mistakes...and, as always, forgive me for not making any fucking sense.

So, I got a haircut today...for the first time in my life I let her do whatever she wanted. We'll have to see it after a shower to decide whether we like it or not.

Went to the dr today for my back. He thinks it might be a slipped disk/disc (I can never spell that word.

SPeaking of haircuts...or not...everyone is talking about posting pictures online. I say NO!! You can not be as hot as I imagine you to be. It's impossible. To me, you are all on the verge of Crombie-ness... I have one ONE pic of me online....and it is going on 5 years old. Cameras never enter my environment unless we reach the 7th level of intoxication. Those pictures are never good. If I were to post a picture i would have to go to a photographer and spend the day there....we're talking hundreds of frames. and i would still make him photoshop my hair to look better.

I got a deck of playing cards in the mail today from Parliament Lights...YAY bar cards.

We're going to Chicago this weekend. No we're not. yeah, we are, but not till saturday. no, we're staying here. no, we're totally going, maybe, if we feel like it tomorrow. I am having an aneurysm.


so tonight is Foray's birthday. going out. somewhere....i should be in the shower...night night all...might not write again till sunday/monday...play well with each other while i am gone.

(Wow, I know I asked you to forgive spelling and grammar errors...let's extend that to just forgiveness of a crappy post...but, it only took 4 minutes to write.)

Jealous...

So, I got jealous reading about J6 & BF getting to meet Jason. It seems that all the blogs I read/read me are based in either Southern California, or New York. Seems, everyone knows everyone...in real life, even. So, I thought I would branch out in my area and see who else was in my bloggerhood.

I hate to toot my own horn, (I enjoy it a lot, actually...but that is neither her nor there.) but after looking here, I am completely sure that I have the best blog in Indiana. (No offense kharney)

I was hoping to meet some cool, bitchy, totally into-it person that I would get along with and become great friends forever-and-ever.

What do I get? Poetry, lots of boring college students, LOTS of boring high school students, and LOOOOTS of boring single 30-somethings. This sucks. I am going to have to branch out into the Chicago Bloggerhood. (Or, I should just move to WeHo, where everyone else is.)

Indiana is my hell.

I've Been Re-Potted

So, I had a great weekend. Big graduation party on Saturday night with all the regulars at Steph's apartment. I played beer pong for the first time, and I suck. SUCKITY SUCK. I suck and the beer sucked. It was Keystone Light. I thought I was through all the college bad-beer parties that I would have to endure. So, I played beer pong twice and lost both times...and had to drink A LOT.

Also met Lynn's new friend-that-is-a-boy. His name is Paul and he is Armenian...and he is SUPER HOT! He was wearing the cutest Steve Madden shoes, the best fitting Express jeans, perfectly pressed shirt, and hotness from head to toe. I think I behaved myself. I may have tried to explain his hotness. (I've been known to do that.)

So, my back is fucked up from my fall last week. I hurt my shoulder, but it healed fine. My back has either a pinched nerve or a severely pulled muscle. I am now on 'light duty' at work. My orders are to not lift more than 5 pounds, not bend, not reach above my head, and not stand for more than an hour. Basically, that is my ENTIRE job. SO, I was off yesterday and layed in bed almost all day. Holly and Jeff invited us over for a BBQ last night and it sounded like a good idea. Have a hamburger, a couple drinks...good times. Well, after dinner we were sitting on the patio and Holly asked me how my back was. Hurting, obviously. So...she offered some, um, er, herbal therapy...

Yeah...so for the first time in over 4 years (not kidding...it's been a SUPER long time.) I partook (partaked?) (did partake?) in the sweet grass. I put up a fight...a little...promise. But the bong was so pretty and the smoke smelled so good...and Dave was playing. It was my duty as a good guest, I think, to take what was offered. Half an hour later I was completely high and COMPLETELY over it. I wanted it to stop. Lynn's only response was, "Well, you're the one that hit it !9 TIMES!" But, I didn't feel it till the 7th time. So, it was interesting. I had to be at work at 7:00 this morning and I got home at 12:00. (I did not drive)

I was SUPER hyper. I couldn't get enough. I was chatting, e-mailing, commenting, watching TV, and listening to Dave...until 4:00.....

Anyway, so there is my story...I am bad and it won't ever happen again. Until next time. (Or Sunday, whichever comes first.)

Random News Rundown

Cancelled shows:

• Jack & Bobby (Could have been great.)
• Medical Investigation (I've)
• Committed (Never)
• Law & Order: Trial by Jury (Seen)
• The Contender (Any)
• 8 Simple Rules (Of)
• My Wife and Kids (These.)

Renewed shows:

• Arrested Development (2 more seasons!)
  
• The Bachelor
• George Lopez
• Rodney
• Bernie Mac
• Hope & Faith
• Jake in Progress
• Less than Perfect

(Aside from Arrested Development, they all sound bad. And if shows that bad got renewed...what got cancelled?

Tom won Survivor. Just me, or was anyone else surprised when they found out this was still on the air?

Britney Spears is an anagram of Presbyterians.

Holy Roller-Skating-Pop-Stars, Batman...Kylie Minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer.

Brit-Brit & K-Fed in Ellenland

So, Ellen is on the cover of Allure magazine...looking COMPLETELY HOT! And not so much in Los Angeles Magazine.

Why are the Backstreet Men stalking me? The other night on my TV...this morning I tune in to see everyone's favorite cheeto-eating, PBR-swilling, barefoot-walking couple on everyone's favorite lesbian's show. Musical guest?? Backstreet Men. (There are also, though, 1/2 naked male volleyball players...So I think that may counteract the BSB factor if they show them enough).

(I just found out that Portia moved in with Ellen and exchanged rings in January...ONE MONTH after they met. I know lesbians love to nest -- but that is awfully quick.) A quick joke:

-What do lesbians do on second date?
-Rent a U-Haul.
-What do gay men do on a second date?
-Second date?

So, I have to put my full attention back to the tele. Have a good day everyone.

*****UPDATE*****
So, I get that K-Fed is, like, a regular guy and not the best interview. But what about Britney? I mean, isn't this her job? They should really be better and answering questions instead of mumbling to each other. (I've been on a talk show...they tell you to project. That's about all they tell you, actually)

So, BSB...who are their fans? Their teen girl fans are now in their mid-20's...and I hope listening to better music. Aren't they in their 30's now? Isn't there an age where you have to stop wearing novelty denim and pretending you're 20? The short one is still surprisingly short, the old one: surprisingly old...and the mousy one: yup, still mousy. Oh, and Nick Carter: Do you have to pee? Stop holding your penis. Seriously.

Weekly Dose: Inferno II

YAY drunk straight boys....YUMMY. Remind me to not have Dan helping me home from a bar when I am trashed...I didn't think Landon was gonna make it up those stairs. I love the Bad Asses, but....come on Derrick. You don't mess with a boy's hair!!

If I were to wake up from even the worst drunk and found myself missing hair -- OOOH, I don't wanna even think about it. At best, I would never be speaking to that person ever again. At worst, --OK, that's about as bad as it would get. Maybe I am taking it too seriously, but hair is supremely important to me. I take care of it, it takes care of me. It lets me load 2-3-4-5 hair products in it and, as long as I make it breakfast in the morning, it still loves me.

I have come to terms with the gray...I don't even color it anymore. There is an actual percentage, like 8% or something, of my hair that completely lacks color. It's not even gray, it's like clear. People rarely comment on it, except for the random dumb-ass that asks me if I have high-lights. Do you think that I would honestly walk into my salon and say, "Let's have you take individual hairs -- a lot of them -- and just strip them from every ounce of color in them...That'll be hot!" NO! I am 25 and I am gray...It's been about 10 years now that I have been going gray. (Should I call it going clear? It's more true lol)

Completely different topic. Anyone else seen the new Shakira video? I can see the brainstorming session now:

So, she'll sing in Spanish. People will like that, it's new and exciting. What else? Body paint? YES, body paint. No, not paint. Motor oil? I can see that. So, covered in motor oil - singing in Spanish, good so far. We need something else...something sexy. Thrusting? I LIKE IT...We'll have her thrust various body parts with the beat of the song while covered in motor oil and - AND - she'll do it in Spanish. CUT, PRINT, AIR...

OK, I'm done...

Come Out Of The Closet...

Sorry kids...I had to take away anonymous commenting because some ass-face company decided to start spamming them. From now on you have to be logged in to blogger to leave comments. Maybe in the future we can go back to hiding...but not now.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck A Duck.....

I had made an almost conscious decision to not post anything tonight before bed. Long weekend at work, long nights after work. I was just going to watch Des Wives and Grey's Anatomy...then off to bed with me. Well, for 20 minutes, I did get to sleep. So, I have been at my computer organizing my bookmarks. (I know, I know...I, too, was nearly overwhelmed by the excitement.)

BUT, Then something has to come along at 2:45 am and ruin my life...Watching MTV...Video comes on...I don't recognize it...Guy driving a car...Kinda cute, from the sideways view of the TV that I have...kind of a good song...[slow fade]...NICK CARTER IS ON MY TV...GET 'IM OFF!!!!!.....

I was on the verge of rocking BSB...I need to die.

Well, Who'da Thunk It...

So, the first day I get cable internet...no post. What kind of loser move is that?

Well, Mr. Not-So-Nice Cable Guy came over yesterday. After he bitched to me about having to install a new outlet (HI...IT'S YOUR JOB!) he handed me a disk and a piece of paper and was almost out the door. I chased him down to ask if everything thing was set and he said: "Well, I guess...you'll have to try it, huh?"

This is not what I wanted to hear. But, I went with it. I grabbed the convenient disk and sat down at the computer. After a few minutes of installation, I got a message that it was going to test my connection. Great, I thought...HERE WE GO!

nope

No connection, can not find ISP, connection error; the whole bit. So I had to call tech support. I got to talk to James who was VERY cute (sounding) and VERY gay (totally). He tried his damnded, bless him. Nothing would work. I restarted my computer about 6 times over the course of the next hour and a half. Well, it started to take a while and I realized I had to be at work in a little bit. I interrupted him and said, "I have to be at work in 21 minutes, so I will have to call back if I can't get this figured out." He responds, "21 minutes...really?" (Which is pretty much exactly would I say and in the same tone.) "Yeah, exactly, actually. And I am in pajamas. How late are you guys there?" "Well, we're 24 hours...pause...but I won't be back in till tomorrow morning." "Alright, talk to you soon, James." "Have a good day at work, Matt."

He is SO into me...I can tell.

So, I was really looking forward to calling him this morning, but when I got home last night everything worked...without me doing anything. I don't get it, but oh well. I thought about calling him anyway, just for fun...but then I realized he can access my computer remotely and see that I am connected...and he lives in farfaraway. Oh well...at least I'm online now. **I already tested it, and yes, it is great for porn** ;)


Watching Ellen right now. Her old prom date is on with her and she is trying to explain that they dated. She literally choked on the word 'attracted' as in: I looked over and saw this guy with long hair and I was immediately at*cough*tracted to him. Hilarious to me.

I missed a party last night. cry. A bunch of our fratties are graduating and rented the top floor of Harry's for the evening. They started at 6, but I didn't get out of work till almost 10 last night. I figure by then they were probably pouring themselved into cabs. So, I came home and did *nothing*. I am SO tired and I have to work all weekend. My next day off isn't till next Tuesday. SUCKS. MY. ASS.

[Public Service Announcement]: Do not enter a commission sales shoe department at 9:25 (5 minutes before closing) with 5 of your friends and ask for 3 shoes each. You will be hated. The 9% I make on your sale is not worth it to me. And here's a clue: when they announce closing and then turn off the lights at 9:35...you should leave. Or, at least not ask for more shoes. If you do stay, do not (REPEAT: DO NOT) leave without buying anything. So, let's do the math. 9%x$0=nada. So, basically I was at work for almost 30 minutes extra and I made NO money for it. Here's the thing about commission. It's not a bonus...it's my paycheck. I don't make a salary or an hourly wage. I make 9% of my shoe sales. period, dot, the end...

Thanks for listening.

*sniff* I Told Myself I Wasn't Gonna *sniff* Do This...

Anthony is gone. Moment of silence please.




OK, resume your blogging enjoyment. I was less than crushed because I kinda figured it was gonna happen. It was still disappointing, mostly because it all happened so fast. There was no suspense, no hanging on the edge of my seat...he was just there and then gone. Oh well. QUICK! Someone find me someone new to crush on.

Speaking of suspense, edge of seat, thisclose to the TV...I managed to catch this week's Inferno tonight. Somehow I missed it on Monday, but no one I know really watches it, so I didn't know how much ass the Bad-Asses kicked this week. Everyone did really well in the driving thing. Then comes Testosteronia '05. Abram vs Brad in the Inferno. I am not a huge fan of Abram, but he's on my team...so I was all for him winning. Damn, though, watching him play that 'Balls In' game was pretty exciting. There is something I find extremely scary-hot about a guy that is so pumped about something. (As long as he is far enough away to not kill me.) I was on my feet yelling at my TV like it was Purdue football.

--Anyone else noticed the number of ball-related activities they have had? Balls In, Dodge Yer Balls, Lick My Balls, Shaved Balls...Oh, wait, those last two were in my head -- Super sorry.


Another positive note. I bought the new DMB album, Stand Up, today. I am SO in love with it. Three times now I have listened to it all the way through. Once, laying on my bed with my eyes closed. I have found, since I don't smoke pot anymore, that this is the best way to experience Dave. (Unless, of course, you are at a show.) Ahh...pot...I miss a certain friend that will go un-named.

Well, here it is...midnight. I am within 8-12 hours of super cable-ish goodness.

Memes...Memes for EVERYONE!

I should be in bed, seeing as I have to be at work in 7 hours, but I thought I would check my blog-buddies one last time before bed. Jason decided to tag me with a meme that I have seen around and, thusfar, avoided putting on here. BUT...because I like him (and he's super cute) I will comply.

***Maybe this will get me a link in Jason's Room.***

Here are the rules: Pick 5 occupations out of the list and complete the phrase. Add a couple of your own occupations to the end of the list and then pass it on to at least 3 people.

The List:
If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...(by Ogre)
If I could be a bonnie pirate...(By Teach)
If I could be a servicemember...(By Jeremy)
If I could be a business owner...(By Blue 944)
If I could be an actor... (By Blue 944)
If I could be an agent...(By KelBel)
If I could be video game designer...(By KelBel)
If I could be a comic book artist...(By Stoli)
If I could be a hooker...(By Pollo Loco)
If I could be a crack addict (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a porn star (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a mime (by Garrison)
If I could be a domestic engineer (by Rick)
If I could be a chimney sweep (by laine)
If I could be a masseuse (by laine)
If I could be a taxi driver (by Brian)
If I could be a priest (by Brian)
If I could be a window cleaner (by Grace)
If I could be a gynecologist (by Grace)
If I could be a world leader...(by Scott)
If I could be a healer...(by Scott)
If I could be a proctologist...(by Dave)
If I could be a carpenter...(by Dave)
If I could be a reality-tv star...(by jason)
If I could be a go-go boy... (by jason)
If I could be a PR rep... (by Matty McMattMatt)
If I could be a fireman... (by Matty McMattMatt)

If I could be a reality TV star... I would have finally acheived my goal of becoming moderately famous. Probably more for the mass quantities of alcohol I would consume on camera than any actual talent I may possess. I'm not sure how this is going to happen, but I'm on my way.

If I could be a llama-rider... I would have a favorite llama and I would name her Tina. I would feed her ham. I have mad llama-riding skills.

If I could be a hooker... I would be pretty much guaranteed sex on a regular basis. And, hey, getting paid for it would be a bonus, too. (Do I get a pimp? Please, pleeeeease can I have a pimp????)

If I could be an architect... Step one: make buckets of money. Step two: buy (and redesign) the top floor of Trump Tower Chicago and make it a club. Step three: count my remaining bucket of money while enjoying the best city, river, AND lake views in the city.

If I could be a scientist... I would beg, borrow, and steal money to fund more needed research in the areas of HIV and cancer. (Sorry to get so serious on the last one, but those are fields that I care deeply about.)

--Here's a bonus to make up for the seriousness of the last one.--

If I could be a bonnie pirate... I would say ARRGGH a lot. It sounds kinda like butt-pirate, so I could still be gay...what sounds gayer than 'bonnie pirate'?

Now...who do I choose? Duck, Duck, Duck, Duck, GOOSE!
Ami, J6 & BF, and Kristin. (If I get J6 AND BF to answer, do I get extra credit?)

What Time Is It? American Idol Time, I Think...

First of all, can I say I hate time zones? Scratch that...I hate Indiana time. For those of you that don't know, Indiana does not change time with the rest of the country. All winter we are on Eastern (NYC) time and all summer we are on Central (Chicago) time. We never change our clocks, everyone else just shifts around us. Easy enough, right?

NO...try watching TV. Like tonight with American Idol...It is on at 8:00. Well, Ami already watched it and told me all about it. Now, I understand that only the East coast gets it live. But it's like that with all the networks. I tune in at the Eastern time that is listed, but it's already been aired on the East coast. Cable, CABLE, is a whole different story. I have to watch cable at the Central times listed. mostly. If it's a local cable station, PBS or something, it's Eastern again. Basically, just sit in front of your TV and hope.

I think only Arizona and Hawaii are with us on the not-changing-time thing. Next spring, though, Indiana will jump on board and use DST. There is an actual Federal commission to decide whether we should be on Eastern or Central time. Ideally, for my life, we would be on Central time. Only problem with that, though, is it would push our sunsets in the winter to about 4:30 in the afternoon--if I did the math right. But really, what happens in Indiana that has anything to do with the East coast? Everything in Indiana revolves around, well, Indiana...people are very state-centric here. But, we are closer to Chicago and that would certainly be easier for my life.

Back to the original point of this post. I am -still- in love with Anthony Fedorov. OK, enough with the pretense...We're getting married. What? You don't believe me? OK, fine. We're not getting married...but he is carrying my love-child. He's not showing yet.

OK, not really, but I SO would marry him -or- impregnate him. Not that I know anything about him, but his pants fit really well. ;) He did really well on his first song: props from Randy, Paula want to see him stretch (tell me about it), Simon thinks he's gooey...I am not even gonna comment on 'gooey'.

Second round, same song as Carrie Underwood...ballsy move. That's ok, my man has balls. He did SO double-plus kick-awesome.

Not that I am unbiased at all, but I honestly think Anthony was the best performer tonight. I have never been more bored than when I am watching Carrie Underwood "perform". Any idea what is up with Vonzell? Emotional, rough day, crying? whah hoppen? Um, Bo Bice...flip-flops with a suit? And no shirt? I get it that you're indie or whatever...but, no.

P.S. Is it gross that I kinda think A-Fed's neck-scar-thing is kinda sexy?

By the way, Blogger sucks my ass when it goes down for 2 1/2 hours. I got a nice message that they were doing scheduled maintenance for an hour. (Again with the time zones) Should have been from 6-7 my time...nope...more like 5:45ish to 8:15ish.

*****10:00 pm Update*****I did nothing in the past hour but vote. I got 164 votes in. Let's hope it helps. :)

When, WHEN Did This Happen?

When did I become a rock* fan? When did The Killers, Hot Hot Heat, My Chemical Romance, System of a Down, and Jack Johnson replace Burnside Project, Junior Vasquez, Benny Bennassi, Peter Rauhofer, and Pusaka on my 'Most Played' playlist? Lydia Prim and Ralphi Rosario were my first obsessions in music. Chicago has a great house music scene and I came into my own hearing them at Hydrate, Spin, and Berlin.

It snuck up on me, this change in music. Innocently enough I started with The Killers...Before you know, last night I am watching All Things Rock on MTV. Now, I am no connoisseur of music. I owned NSync...even an O-Town single. I am a sucker for catchy Summer-Pop...but I always went back to my hard-house roots when it really counted. I don't know how I feel about it...kind of like a traitor.

*I'm not sure this loose genre of music is even called rock, but I don't know what else to call it. I thought about Pop-Rock...just be sure not to mix it with soda.

Things That Ruin My Life

#418: Bees. They make me run like a girl. I am severely allergic to bee/wasp stings, but I used my little needle-shot thingy like 2 years ago and never got another one. I especially hate the flock of bees that live in my driveway. I never see them come from/go to anywhere...they just hover all over the driveway. They are these HUGE bumblebees that like to chase me while I mow the lawn. It gets so bad in the summer that I have been known to duck and cover when I see a fast moving shadow...whether it be a fly, leaf...flower petal. I hate them.

She Thinks His Tractor's Sexy ::AKA:: You Had Me From Hello

Miss Tight-Face-Bobble-Head just got married to Mr. Too-Tight-Country-Jeans. Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney got married in the Virgin Islands yesterday (I think). How did I not know they were dating? Have I not been keeping up with my Us Weekly/In Touch/People/Star magazines well enough? Or was this a secret?

It's no secret, though, that I am not a fan of Miss Zellweger...I think she looks like a shrunken head on a stick...and I can't stand her whiny-scrunched-up-face acting.

Evidently Kenny has been in puppy-love for years. He named her as his favorite actress and was even inspired to write a song after he saw her in Jerry Maguire.

Well, here's hoping they have lots of tight-faced, big-bulged little ones running around. (We all know Renee can gain weight...she'll be a great fat mom.)

Poor Jesus...Always Being Persecuted

Click link above for the story...

And, because I always seem to do this, here's the best part of the article:

Christ's attorney says the name change was an effort to express his faith.

It Might Not Be The End Of The World As We Know It...But I Do NOT Feel Fine...

Mr. Big-Head-Square-Jaw is having a baby!!! Bennifer II - baby - ugh. Jennifer Garner is (ALLEDGEDLY) expecting an Itty-Bitty-Bennifer sometime in November. I could be really snarky and say bad things about them...but honestly, I don't hate this incarnation of Ben-Jen as much as the last one. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't seen either of them lately...very low-key, just how I like my Affleck. I wish them the best of luck. (I just realized I must have been snarky when I titled this post...but I am over it now.)

--I had Federfetus...and I like that name. I am not liking Itty-Bitty-Bennifer. Here are some other options I had...

• Bennibaby
• Baby Garfleck
• Baby Affner
• Af-fetus-er

That's all I got...I am kinda liking Bennibaby. Any thoughts?

Testosterone is Coursing Through My Veins

I have a dark family secret...Stedman and I have a -- oh wait, that was Oprah.

I have a secret shame: Since I moved at the beginning of February I have been using MSN dial-up. This Thursday, though, I have the nice man from Insight Broadband coming to my house and giving me the hookup. I didn't think about it when I called to order service, but I was on DSL at my last place with Ami. Because our computers were networked, I have only a wireless reciever and Ami has the modem. Not that it would help because it's a different modem I need, evidently. Well, the modem was a deal through Insight...only $35...awesome. So, I thought I was set. Yeah, not so much. I don't have a network card. :( dammit

Well, at Satan's House the other night I picked one up for (get this) $15! So, yesterday I worked up the nerve to install it. This might not sound like an accomplishment to many, but this is coming from me that never opened my computer till 2 years ago...yeah, I ran it as it came. I am deathly afraid of opening my computer, because I am almost positive that I will break it. While I was on the phone with Ami (for moral support*) I opened my little machine and was excited that I found what I needed almost immediately. While I was trying to install it, though, I almost lost my nerve. I was having to push awfully hard. I don't like the thought of having to push hard on anything inside my computer. All's well that ends well, though...because it automatically installed when I restarted my machine (that really needs a name).

As if that weren't enough...Today I was on the three-season porch smoking a cigarette and realized that it's really more of a one-month-in-the-spring-and-one-month-in-the-fall-porch because it gets so hot out there. I have, though, a window air-conditioner that was just sitting around. I busted over to the hardware store and bought wood, brackets, screws, nails...the whole bit. I came home and proceeded to INSTALL AN AIR CONDITIONER!!! OK, you might not be as excited about this as I am, but it was a big accomplishment. I had to built a cleet to mount the brackets on the outside of the house, nail, drill, screw. It came out perfect. WAY better than I had any right to expect. I honestly thought it would fall out of the window...and I was OK with that. But, it actually worked and now my three-season porch actually is...a three-season porch. (I might install a heater for winter, who knows...)

(I also re-caulked the bathtub, but that is not as exciting as the AC.)

This is all in addition to the second hand manliness I got from Ami, who replaced her headlights today...by herself.

We spent over an hour on the phone tonight and she got the great idea that I should take my phone and place it ear-piece to mouth-piece (69) with the phone in the kitchen to see if she could hear herself. I don't know why neither of us predicted the brain-splitting feedback that would result. It was not a well thought-out plan.


*Ami was of little to no help because all she could tell me was to 'push harder' while she was researching what headlamps to buy. Ami's response to anything that is broken is 'push harder'. She once fixed our DVD player with a hammer...

A little joke for you: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
(Look in comments for the answer.)

Random Pop Culture

stripsearch: The Man Pageant. Coming this month on VH1...damn you know a faggot came up with that title.

Is George Clooney doing Budweiser commercials? Cuz that sounds like Dr. Ross...

What is up with all the MadTV alums hocking Sierra Mist? It's all my favorites, too. I feel bad that they have to push a second rate lemon-lime soda...I should send them a check.

(And...at 5:40 EST today I got my 1,000th visit from someone on level3.net...YAY for YOU!)

Just To Be Fair...

I guess some of my readers might not be man-lovers as I stated in my last post. For those of you that like Gina instead of Peter, here you go. My friendster Jake has some pics of Gina for you to look at.

WARNING: Only click here if you want to meet Gina. I take no responsibility for the outcome of said clickage.

Don't Look, I'm Naked...

In an effort to make myself ever more accessible (and because I am an attention whore) I have added e-mail and AIM links. If you look to your left, you will see them in all their HTML-ey glory. I actually did this to prove (to myself) that I am super-duper, double-plus, kick-rad, awesome...which, I totally am. So, the next time you find yourself thinking, "You know, I wish I could talk to Matt right now. He would know what to do." YOU CAN! I know you're excited, but contain yourself...or use the restroom, if you must.

So, I hurt my shoulder today at work. I work in a shoe department where our stockroom has LOTS and LOTS of aisles with REALLY tall shelves. Well, to reach those tall shelves, we use ladders. They are kinda like old library ladders, but they are not parallel with the shelving...they go across the aisle and travel on rails that are mounted about 8 feet off the floor. (The shelves are about 12-15 feet high) So, I was getting a shoe for a customer and lost my balance on the ladder. (I tend to do that because I have no inner ear. OK, that's a lie...I just have bad balance on ladders.)

Well, as I fell, I reached up and grabbed the rail. This left me dangling about 2 inches of the ground and holding on with the arm that had it's rotator cuff torn 2 years ago when I fell off a roof. (I'll tell you that story later.) It wasn't so much the hanging as the jerking when I fell that basically turned my shoulder into a big rock of hurt. I got some Excedrin from one of the other associates and then called a manager to fill out an accident report. I then made the fatal flaw of asking if there was someone that could take my shift tomorrow instead of just saying I wouldn't be in. Her answer, of course, was no.

So, after work tonight I went to Satan's House...erm, I mean Wal*Mart. I needed to get a shoulder sling considering I think I left mine at a sex party in Chicago a couple years ago. (Actually, I think I just lost it, but the word sling makes me think of SteamWorks where you can rent a room for $35 and add a sling for an extra $7. Or you can just rent a locker.

(That is for 6 hours, not all night, by the way.)

Anyway, back to my story. I found the slings, (tee-hee) and along the way picked up an ethernet card and a 12-pack of beer. Total: less than $40...I was happy.

Just for information, I am on beer #5 of the previously mentioned 12 pack. I would like to say that I am not going to drink anymore because I have to work at 10:45 am, but I am on a roll, and my shoulder hurts less when I am drunk.

By the way...While you are at SteamWorks you can also visit the gym or the whirlpool. (Um, no offense, but I know what happens there, and I am NOT gonna go in that whirlpool.)

I thought twice about posting those pictures, but I figure we're all man-lovers here. We just love different types of men.

On another note -- I got my first free* issue of Vitals MAN today and realized that Heath Ledger, while not movie-star hot,** is inherently fuckable.

*In case you didn't catch it: if you click on 'free' right up there, you can get a free subscription, too.
**All opinions contained herein are those of the half-drunk author and are not intended to offend anyone that may be in love with Heath Ledger. The author will still go see Brokeback Mountain when it is released, but mostly because of Jake Gyllenhaal.

And - Can I get a definitive answer from anyone as to whether his last name is pronounced with a G-like-good, or a G-like-gentle? I was pretty sure it was like Jyllenhaal...but I heard it the other way from someone.

I need to apologize...It has taken over an hour to make this post (it is actually 2:48 am) because I get link happy when I am drunk, evidently...enjoy!

A Simple, Three Step System

Step #1: Open wallet.
Step #2: Click here.
Step #3: Throw money.

Thanks.

The Other MattBlog

I would like to thank Sr. Dave for the very first comment on Overheard In Life. You should check it out...overhearings are a bucket of fun.

(Just a little P.S. I think we are on track for getting 1000 visitors in the past 6 weeks...I am overwhelmed...and excited. Hugs, you guys.)

The Big O/The Fed

Everyone I know has been all atwitter about Oprah's upcoming Monday show. In previews she sits on the sofa with her long-time beau and declares,

"Stedman and I have a daughter. She has issues, and I think it's my fault."

Don't get your knickers in a twist (panties in a knot/boxers in a bunch)...It's her dog. Her cocker spaniel, Sophie, is going to get therapy from 'The Dog Whisperer' on the show. I, for one, am disappointed...I wanted scandal.

And from RedEye comes a nice summary of the final four Idol contestants:

Bo Bice of Helena, Ala. His chances improved greatly when Constantine Maroulis got cut.

Anthony Fedorov of Trevose, Pa. Boy-band refugee flies under the radar while others criticized.

Vonzell Solomon of Ft. Myers, Fla. She was called "cutesy" by Simon Cowell, but that could be working for her.

Carrie Underwood of Checotah, Okla. Country crooner has the vocals, but her onstage spark ebbs and flows.

Boy-band refugee...I like that.

Blast From the Past/What DO I Want?

PART I

I ran into my first grade teacher today at work. She walked right up to me and asked if I remembered her. I looked up from the counter and answered with her name...first and last: Donna Cahill. She was surprised, I was not. She was one of my favorite teachers I ever had. I was in her class when my parents were going through their divorce. Needless to say, it was a stressful time for my family and she actually cared...enough, even, to go to the school counselor with me and help me talk through things. I can't say that the counseling was that helpful, but it was a nice feeling to have someone (an adult) outside my family that I could talk to about things. My parents stayed together for another year and I changed schools for second grade. When I returned I was in third grade and it's not that easy to run into people not directly involved with your grade/class so we fell out of touch.

When I saw her today, I took a break and we caught up on things. She couldn't believe that I still remembered her after all these years. I reminded her that I only had maybe 75 teachers/professors during my school career and she has taught 30-35 students per year for 20 years. It was I that was surprised that SHE remembered me. During our little chat we realized that I had actually been in her first class as a full-fledged teacher...and I was the first student that she felt a personal involvement with. She said she remembered me every time she had a student that was having a rough time at home and was glad she could help...provide a stable environment for those kids that don't get one at home. I thanked her for being a teacher...there aren't enough good ones. It got me thinking about the rest of the teachers I have had...I can count the ones that have had any effect on me on one hand...and I don't even think I would need my thumb.

PART II

I was chatting this evening with an old friend that has known me through years of on-and-off (mostly on) singledom. We had shared a few months of very close friendship that some would term a relationship. In reality, it was just a time when we were both single and had a lot of time to spend together...we became very close, but it was never going to be a relationship. He moved away for grad school, and we lost touch, as I tend to do. Recently he popped back up on AIM and we began talking. Incessantly. Well tonight our conversation broached the subject of dating and he said something that really hit home.

"You don't want a relationship. You're too intense to be able to get everything you need from one person."

I have had similar thoughts in the past but chalked it up to making excuses for not dating. But, to hear it from another person made it true. I always kept a dim little hope that there is a super-guy out there that is every thing at every time. I understand how unrealistic that sounds...but I kept the hope alive. Even when I thought I could "lower my standards" and find a guy, I never did - nothing lasting. I understand that no relationship is perfect and that is not what I am looking for. I tend to surround myself with about half a dozen people that have varying personalities that match mine...(have I mentioned I am a little manic?) I have a big personality and people have been known to tire of it quickly. Honestly, the most successful 'relationship' I have ever had was living with Ami for a year...and she's a girl. It is usually grounds for Best-Friendship if, for some reason, I spend over 24 hours straight with a person and we can still stand each other. But, there are certain things even best friends don't do.

I think I have boiled it down to a few choice criteria for a boyfriend. I want someone that can tell, no matter how happy I seem, that work was hell and I need to lay on the sofa with them. ...someone that will ask if I want a foot-rub, and know that I would never let someone rub my feet. ...someone that can leave me alone if I ask them to, but 10 minutes later know that I am bored of being alone.

I could go on and on...but I won't. This post is much longer than I intended it to be. Technically, though, it is kinda two -- two -- two posts in one.

I Can't Even Believe I Didn't Make This Up...

Your Penis Name is: Godzilla

Get your own Penis Name

By the way, If I use my first AND last name, I get this:

Your Penis Name is: Meat 'n' Potatoes

Get your own Penis Name

Really? Really!

Image hosting & Online photo albums
Pubish and share your photos online!

Am I the only one that has ever noticed this on PhotoBucket?

Pubish? Uckadoo...


*****UPDATE 05-05-05*****
Image hosting & Online photo albums
Publish and share your photos online!

They changed it!!! I like to think it was my e-mail that did it. They should send me free stuff...just not pubish stuff.

Commented

You Know You're From Indiana When...


You drive for three hours and the scenery outside doesn't change.
(It's flat here...what's to change?)

There's three feet of snow on the ground and school is still in session.
(Snow days are a myth...especially at Purdue. I heard of one once.)

You only go to the mall once a year 'cause it takes too long to get there.
(I work there...)

While driving all you see is corn.
(There are soybeans, too.)

People still have Christmas decorations up at Easter.
(Mine were up till the end of January...but that is because they were frozen on.)

You start saying to yourself "More than corn in Indiana my butt."
(Drive I-65 from Chicago to Louisville and you will, too.)

Anyone with a cell phone looks out of place.
(This one might be a little outdated...even the Amish have cell phones now.)

Walking through Wal-Mart with two carts full of kids is normal.
(Normal is not the word I would use...but I've seen it.)

Anyone with a tan is rich.
(No, it just means that they got to leave for a minute...The angle of the sun does not allow for tanning in Indiana.)

The hip hang-out place is McDonald's.
(I've seen Super-Size Me...I'm never going near Mickey D's again.)

There really is more than corn in Indiana. There’s soybeans, too.
(See, I told ya.)

When you plan an orgy and a Euchre game breaks out.
(I pride myself in being one of 17 people in Indiana that do not know how to play Euchre...I do like Hearts, though.)

A restaurant has an invisible wall in the non-smoking section and you believe it works.
(This is pretty much universal, I think...especially in Chicago where I have seen a rail being passed off as a barrier...)

Speeding consists of 2 miles over the speed limit.
(I don't remember the last time I went the speed limit...The Indy 500 is here because we drive fast.)

You think you don't have to use a turn signal on your car because you don't use it on your tractor.
(Contrary to popular opinion, not everyone drives a tractor - or even knows how.)

You build your dream house on a cornfield, and you considered it posh.
(I had a cornfield behind my house and behind my school...I never considered it 'posh'.)

You warsh your clothes and you think George Warshington was the first president.
(I am First Generation Wash.)

You're proud to be called a Hoosier, even if you don't know what one is.
(Hoosier by birth...Boilermaker by the grace of God.)

You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Terre Haute".
(One of the only cities in Indiana that actually uses its French pronunciation.)

Detassling was your first job. Bailing hay, your second.
(Detassling was actually my first job...For those of you that don't know, detassling is slave labor that involves herding teenagers through seed corn fields early in the morning to remove the tassles from some corn so it doesn't fertilize the other corn...I don't know why.)

You can stack hay, swim in the pond to clean off, and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops all in the same day.
(Never stacked hay...NEVER been in a pond...No good at basketball.)

You say things like "catty-wumpus" and "kitty-corner".
(I don't say them, but I know what they mean - and I don't look at people strangely when they say them.)

You own a dirtbike or a ATV.
(My stepfather does.)

You live in a city ... and there's a cornfield in your backyard.
(I think we covered this already.)

High school basketball game draws a bigger crowd on the weekend nights than movie theaters.
(This is not 'Hoosiers'...people have lives.)

You can see at least 2 basketball hoops from your yard.
(There are probably more that I can't see.)

You can name every one of Bob Knight's "exploits" over the last few years.
(Bobby Knight moved away a few years ago...Never heard of him since. --He's the one that threw the folding chair onto the floor at a basketball game among other things.)

You shop at Marsh.
(One of the few grocery store chains here...I just don't happen to shop there.)

Damon Bailey was your childhood hero.
(Who?)

The biggest question of your youth was "IU or Purdue?"
(That was NEVER a question...Purdue all the way, baby.)

Indianapolis is the "big city".
(Eh...I am from northern Indiana...and I have heard of Chicago. Indianapolis is a little closer, but I wouldn't go there on purpose.)

"Getting caught by a train" is a legitimate excuse for being late to school.
(Used to be...Most local trains have been relocated to a rail corridor. Now, if you actually get stuck by a train, no one believes you.)

People at your high school chewed tobacco.
(Not while at school...but yeah, they did.)

Everyone knows who the town cop is, where he lives, and whether he is at home or on duty.
(I do not live in Mayberry.)

You actually know what the CART vs IRL debate is about and have taken a side.
(I know what it means...but I couldn't give a shit less.)

The vehicle of choice in your area is not a car, but a pickup.
(I don't even know anyone with a pickup truck.)

Someone you know is BIG John Mellencamp fan.
(Several.)

You've been to the Covered Bridge Festival.
(Never seen one.)

To you, a tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef, but a big, salty, breaded piece of pork served on a bun with pickles.
(Depends - Are you eating in your car with the food hanging on a tray?)

You call a green bell pepper a "mango".
(I've talked to a few people...and we think this is made up.)

In the fall, one of your favorite pranks was corning cars.
(I don't know what that is...but I have 'forked' yards in the middle of winter.)

You know what FFA and 4H stand for.
(FFA=Future Farmers of America - NOT Fist Fuckers of America. I was in 4-H for a year...shameful.)

You know what chip-and-seal is, and your high school was located on just such a road.
(Is it gravel? Is it pavement? Who knows.)

You go the county fair every night of it's week-long duration.
(I have never been to the county fair...I have all my teeth.)

You can say "French Lick" without laughing out loud.
(Larry Bird's hometown...I do crack a smile when I say it.)

There's actually a college near you named "Ball State."
(I thought of going there.)

You think the state Bird is Larry.
(He played for Boston...what do I care?)

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Indiana.
(Every single person I know.)

Dixie? Really?!

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

20% Yankee

5% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

How did I get no Midwestern or Northern Midwestern? And I DO get Dixie? I think it's because I say Coke instead of soda or pop.

It's Officially Official

American Cities That Best Fit You:

80% Chicago

65% New York City

65% Philadelphia

65% Washington, DC

60% Boston

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

And not a single one west of the Mississippi.

Yummy

I would like to officially thank just jared dot com for my new wallpaper.

New rumor: Cameron Timberlake? Word is Timberlake and Diaz have escaped to southern France to get hitched. -- 5 minutes have passed -- I don't care.

My Heaven

Tonight is heaven. Inferno II and How Clean is Your House. I love Monday nights. I have already taken my shower, jammied up, and arranged for dinner to be delivered. I am not moving from my bed...

If I'm not mistaken tonight is the night Dan goes bitchtastic on the Trio of Terror...I have seen the previews...and when he gets angry -- WOW -- I get a little wet.

If you have not seen How Clean is Your House, you must. It is on Lifetime on Monday nights and it is deliciously filthy...

My Hell

There is a local bookstore that will remain un-named that is airing a commercial with a person from my past (who will also go un-named) about 18 times a day. It was bad enough when it was just TV...now it's on the radio, too...even more often.

There are 3 characters in this story:

• T
• H
• M - Me

T was dating H for quite a while. T was good for H...T made H feel good about himself and take care of himself...H was kinda hot when he was dating T. M became friends with T, and consequently H. T and H broke up, which tends to happen when M becomes friends with someone. T was going to move away in a couple months and T and M decided they would 'date' in the meantime. During that time, T and M decided to 'have sex', too...T and M were good at sex. Well, H caught wind of this and wanted to join T and M and so it was...One night at T's house T, H, and M had their little 3some. It was a one-time thing, mostly because H was not so good at it. Anyway, the time came for T to move and M was not crushed...M was fine.

After T moved away, M and H started hanging out. H had started to revert to his pre-T state, caring less and looking like it...But, there was still a ghost of the goodness that had been. H invited M over one night for Cosmos and 'Trick'*. Well, while drinking Cosmos by the quart, one tends to spill...and H did. During clean-up, H got a little frisky and they ended up in the bedroom where they proceeded to have moderately enjoyable sexual activity. The biggest problem was that H still had cranberry juice staining his hands and transferred that juice in very clear handprints to the wall above his bed. M was told later that even a coat of paint did not diminish the clarity of said stains.

If you haven't guessed by this point...H is the man in the commercial. And I am repeatedly reminded of this night every time I see/hear the commercial.

* - It is a little known fact that I can not make it through the movie Trick without having sex. I don't think this is a testament to the quality of the movie...probably just the company I keep and the alcohol I drink while watching it.

Touchfest '05

So, Friday night was a success...let's try again Saturday. I got back over to Lynn and Robyn's apartment and we headed out to Harry's again. A lot of our friends are fratties and they had their end of the year roast Saturday night, so we knew they would be out. We showed up at about 12:30 or so and proceeded to get loaded within 1/2 an hour. Everyone...EVERYONE...was trying to get some Saturday night. The really sad part was that there were only 5 girls for the group of about 25-30 guys. All in all, it was a great time at Harry's...there was dancing, lots of drinking, and then there was dancing on tables. Dollars were tucked, tongues were slipped, friends were made, drinks were spilled. (It's not every night that you undress to find 3 dollars and 100 rupees in your underwear.)

After last call we headed back to L & R's to get vodka and went to Elkins' again. I remember very little about what happened after that. I know that in DC there is a guy named Joe that had a camera-phone picture of me e-mailed to him at about 4:30 sunday morning. Emily, a girl I met that night, is friends with him and obviously because he is gay and I am gay, we must meet each other. It promises to be a match made in gay heaven. I gave her my e-mail address and she said he will be visiting in a few weeks...I'll be sure to keep you all posted on any developments.

Woke up Sunday morning with Cheeto on one sofa, me on another, Aschy sleeping with Lynn and Robyn all by herself...Managed to order Jimmy John's and covet a slice of cake that I saw on TV...that is all that was accomplished yesterday...

On another note, I have a problem...an addiction, maybe. I tip too much. Sometimes WAY too much. I tend to tip $2-$3 for each drink I get in a night...And some of those drinks are only $3-$4. And if the server makes a mistake...they tend to get a bigger tip because I feel bad for them. Like Friday night at Harry's, our server brought me the 2 Absolut/Sprites that I ordered...but the Sprite was out...so it tasted like crap. I called her back over and told her...and asked for Coke. I not only paid and tipped for the 2 undrinkable Sprite drinks...I paid and tipped for the Coke drinks...AND THEN...I gave her ANOTHER $5 because the bartender was being a dick. Total cost: $25...for 2 Absolut/Cokes. I could have bought a bottle of Absolut and a bottle of Coke for probably less.

(Forgive the wordiness and horrible logic flow of these 2 posts...I am dehydrated, tired, hungry, and I want a cigarette....that's as good as it gets.)

HUGS EVERYONE!

I Am A Whore

WOW, what a weekend. I literally have not been home since Friday evening except to shower and change clothes Saturday night before going out again....and here it is at 1:00 am on Monday morning and I am just rolling in.

Friday night we went to Where Else? and met up with Brittnie, Bonnie, Steph, and Beano. Cheap cover=bad band. They were called Hairbangers Ball and it was 1987 all over again. They had their fans...just no one I know. We stayed for a while and I picked up some thing to post over here.

About 1:00 we decided to head over to Harry's and hit the upstairs. Lots of friends were already there, so that was awesome. My straight boyfriend, Moses, was there...and proceeded to grab my ass "to fuck with everyone". After some straight grab-ass I retreated to the restroom where I found an obviously drunk, obviously gay, and obviously out of his element boy named Colin. I took care of business at the urinal and was turning to wash my hands when he grabbed me and pulled me into the stall. He started telling me that some friends of his were supposed to have written his name on the ceiling* and I had to help him find it. I told him I didn't see it, so he proceeded to tell me his name about a dozen times...he even signed it for me, which would have been helpful if I knew ASL. He finally seemed to realize that he didn't know me and asked me if I was gay. I responded affirmatively and he took that as an invitation to kiss me. I didn't mind at all, he was a really good kisser...one hand on my shoulder, one on the small of my back. He had awesome hair and he smelled INCREDIBLE.

Since I didn't stop him from kissing me and was obviously enjoying it, he let his hands start to wander, as did I...and we both encountered the same state in each others pants. I would have been fine at that and called it a night, but he proceeded to drop to his knees (on the gross floor and in a doorless stall in a straight bar) and give me 1/2 of a really good bj...I say 1/2 because guys were starting to watch, and whose voice do I hear coming? Moses. As I pulled Colin up from the floor and he started making out with me again, Moses turned the corner and saw us. Everything was put away, and I don't think he saw anything, really...but he had this sly smile for the rest of the night. I washed my hands and left the bathroom...never saw Colin again that night...and he's not local, so I probably never will again, but...oh well.

Last call rolled around and we finally left at about 3:00. Somehow we all went separate ways but ended up at Elkins' house where, it was rumored, there was alcohol. There was very little alcohol, but I loaded up anyway. 6:00-time for breakfast. We headed to Triple XXX and Lynn stole me a ChiTri along the way for some reason. It was 7:00 am on Saturday by the time we got back to Lynn and Robyn's apartment for sleep. Saturday...we were the poster children for unproductivity...All we managed to do is watch a movie, order sandwiches for lunch, and pizza for dinner. Finally, around 10:00 I came home to get ready for another night out. Saturday night is a whole other post.

* Harry's is an institution at Purdue. The entire bar is covered in graffiti of people's names covering years and years. You are no one until you have your name somewhere at Harry's. (Mine is on the bench in the fishbowl upstairs)

You might notice beer cans in these pictures. Harry's Chocolate Shop is the only bar I have ever seen that actually serves cans of beer...it's ghetto fabulous.