White DE version 2

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

I'm Gonna Move My Big Gay Ass

To Big Gay Canadia...

Cananada has become the 3rd country to recognize gay marriage nationally. Joining the Netherlands ans Belgium, it is expected to become federal law by the end of July. The law would enforce all the same rights and responsibilities that civil marriage carries, but does not force religious institutions to perform ceremonies. Fine by me...I have long said that marriage has become a civil matter, far removed from the church itself. (I know how to spell Canada, thanks...)

Would love to write more, but I must get to work. 4th of July sale starts today...get to your local May Company store and shop-shop-shop.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Just Keep Telling Yourself That...

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Finally, tonight, President Bush will speak to the American people directly about the situation in Iraq. I have made it no secret that I support our troops but not our continued involvement in Iraq. I, personally, have known at least half a dozen families that have lost daughters and sons in this war. Most of these were children younger than me that didn't agree with President Bush's actions in the middle east. They joined the armed forces for varying reasons: money for college, family legacy, a will to help our country and better themselves. And now they are gone.

In an e-mail from John Kerry today come these talking points...things that I would LOVE to hear from Mr. Monkey Mouth tonight...

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Here's what I think President Bush needs to address tonight - and we need to hold him accountable:

* The president must announce immediately that the United States will not have a permanent military presence or bases in Iraq.

* The United States must also insist that the Iraqis establish a truly inclusive political process and meet the deadlines for finishing the constitution and holding elections in December.

* We need to put the training of Iraqi troops on a true six month wartime footing and ensure that the Iraqi government has the budget needed to deploy them.

* The administration needs to work not just at security but at reconstruction -- Iraqis need to see the electricity working and the water flowing.

* The administration needs to get Iraq's neighbors off the sidelines -- they can't afford a failed Iraq on their doorstep, and Bush-style unilateralism needs to bend to getting these countries on board.

* And the administration must immediately draw up a detailed plan with clear milestones for the transfer of military and police responsibilities to Iraqis after the December elections. The plan should be shared with Congress.
In other Bush news: In only two days, President Bush is expected to announce his plan - America's plan - for the G8 Summit. Will it be bold and historic, or small and cautious? YOU can help decide. From helping children in Africa get the hope of an education to stopping the spread of malaria and AIDS, we finally have the tools, resources and ability to fight poverty - and it's only a matter of will. Please go to ONE.org and add your voice to a letter to President Bush.

By the way...It's official! No matter what happens, Curious George will only be our president for 1300 more days as of tomorrow. It sounds like a lot...but I'll just take it one day at a time, and keep busting his ass when he fucks up.


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Cereality just opened in Chicago this week. It's all cereal, all the time. I can't wait to go, but my lactose-intolerant self is cringing at the idea...luckily you can get lactose-free or soy milk for 50 cents extra.

For about $4 they serve up a bowl of any kind (or combination) of cereal you could want. (It's 50 cents for extra marshmallows.) It's the hot new thing for businessmen and students in the Loop.

[For those of you that don't know, Red Eye is a version of the Chicago Trib for the ADD set -- Everything you need to know, but with more pictures and prettier colors than the Trib.]


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OK...so another shark attack in Florida in 3 days. The Trib had this graphic today educating us all about the bull shark. It is believed that this type is responsible for most shark attacks and deaths each year. Well, that's all well and good. I have never been in an ocean...seen it, but wouldn't go in it. I haven't even been in Lake Michigan...I think 'nature-water' is gross and won't go in. So, I seem to be pretty safe from a shark attack.

Then I started looking more closely at the map. Evidently, bull sharks can live in freshwater...and as far north as Indiana. Well, I had never planned to get in the Wabash, Ohio, or Mississippi Rivers...but I sure as hell won't now. lol

Here's to a shark-free summer.


OH. MY. GOD. This was SO not the plan.

Last week, I got a message from an ex. He is moving away and wanted to get together for dinner. ohgod. I agreed, tentatively, to meet him for dinner last night.

Without going into all the details, let me give a little backstory. We met online, and I am not even sure how. He lived far, far away, but we made it work for almost a year. We would be on the phone for hours every night, (thank god for free nights) and managed to see each other every 3-4 weeks. Our relationship progressed, as most do, and I was in love for the first time, but it was hard.

During one all night phone conversation we were discussing a little bit of everything and got around to future plans. Through a lot of tears we realized that our paths were never going to lead us in the same direction. Although we adored each other and were perfect together, it was never going to get better. We agreed that, even though we loved each other, we should put things on hold. It was very hard at first...especially explaining to others why we weren't together anymore. Over the next year, we still talked to each other 2-3 times a week and would kind of plan to be in the same places at the same time. We would call each other when we were dating someone...it still felt like cheating.

So, I came home from work one day last week to an IM from him. He is moving again...to even farther, far away. It's a great opportunity for him and I am so happy for him. He wanted to get together for dinner before he left. Odds are we won't see each other again, and he wanted to get together one last time.

He got into town last night about an hour after I got home from work...at least I got a shower. We had a great dinner (and shared tiramisu for dessert, yummy) and went out for a drink. We met back at his hotel in the bar and sat for hours, talking about everything...and finally we were the last ones there. Instead of going home, he asked me if I wanted to go back to his room for another drink. When we got to his room I realized it had been in the works all along. On the table were a dozen red roses and a bottle of champagne on ice. (I had been played, lol) We poured the champagne and went to the window...he had a great view of downtown and Purdue across the river. We each had 2 glasses of champagne and settled in bed to watch TV.

It was the perfect night. We had a fantastic dinner, yummy dessert, fun drinks, and great talk. It started getting late and I heard thunder in the distance. I have been craving a good thunderstorm for a while now, so I went to the window. Looking up the hill into West Lafayette, I could actually see the lightning and rain coming across campus and downtown. He walked up behind me and whispered in my ear, "Wanna go play in the rain?" He knows me so well...we spent almost an hour walking the streets downtown, stealing kisses on street corners, in a perfect thunderstorm. We went back to his room and he asked if I wanted to take a shower. A couple minutes went by and I heard the door open. As he pulled back the curtain he said, "I had to get out of those wet clothes...mind if I get in?" To avoid getting into 'pervy internet story' territory, I will leave the rest to your imagination. It was the perfect goodbye.

This morning, he walked me down to the lobby and kissed me at the door. "We'll be farther apart than ever before, but we've never been closer."

Monday, June 27, 2005

A Letter

Dear Mr. R. Kelly.

You's a crazy bitch. I am writing in reference to my recent viewing of your video 'Trapped in the Closet'. You need to learn some basic rhyming skills again. I notice that certain lines of you song are pretty stretched to rhyme - like 'window' and '5th floor' - those don't rhyme. I would go into more detail but I must get to work. I, unfortunately, do not get to publish my non-rhyming-only-makes-sense-to-me songs that I make up in the shower, unlike you.

Oh, I do have one more question. I noticed in the video tag at the end it says 'Trapped in the Closet, Chapter 1 of 5'. Please assure me that we are not to be subjected to another 4 songs such as this. Your fiction is amusing, but highly unbelievable. I mean, the woman in this video looks to be at least 25-30 years old and from what I can gather that is approximately 10-15 years older than your preference. I, therefore, have a hard time believing you would be trapped in her closet...under her little sister's bed, mayber...but not hers.

Thank You,
Matty McMattMatt

Sunday, June 26, 2005


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Well, that's what I get for not posting anything. Haven't had any time this week, really...and none right now. Nothing exciting going on...went out Friday night with Lynn and Paul...twisted my ankle on the way home...stayed home from work Saturday. Worked today and work tomorrow...finally off on Tuesday. I PROMISE you something good by then. I am already thinking about it. Ta for now...

Saturday, June 25, 2005


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Friday, June 24, 2005


You know what sucks? Not even having time for a proper mental breakdown.

It's not that my life is oh-so-busy, but my schedule has been so choppy this week. I have had PT on M-W-F in the middle of my workday, so I have to make up time before and after my scheduled shifts, so I have been at work 9-10-11 hours every day I have PT. I am progressing pretty well. My mobility is up to what Vicki (the sassy Aussie) compared to that of a "60 year old man in very good health". GREAT! lol

I have moved from the flexibility work onto strengthening. It's going pretty well, but I learned that 'flexibility' is code for 'massage' and 'strengthening' is code for 'torture'. I still get to use the Magic Tingle Machine...and Vicki has seen plenty of my ass by now. (The wonders of having a lower lumbar strain.) She came in to take off the electrodes today and actually slapped my ass...ooh, mommy. She's like that.

Wedesday night I forgot my bag at work with all my medicine in it. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, cause I had begun to wonder if it was the meds making my back feel better, or maybe it was actually just getting better. Well, Thursday morning came around and HOLY EFFIN CRAP. I need my meds :(

I was not in a great mood yesterday at all, but about halfway through the day I drug my friend Holly outside for a cigarette. I was in some sort of funk...I was either going to burst into tears or vomit on myself and I didn't wanna be on the floor when it happened. Unfortunately when we got outside, Holly told me she was having problems with her boyfriend, so I listened to her instead of venting. Either way it helped and I only dropped a couple tears and I don't think she noticed. I spent the rest of the day in this wild sort of frustration. Ever since Lynn and I were in Chicago a couple weeks ago I feel as though I should be doing something. Something else. Different job, different city, different person. Ahh, the joys of manic depression. (and my stubborn ass for not wanting to take meds for it anymore.)

Usually I am a very cause-effect kind of guy with my emotions. Someone fucks with me, I am pissed. Dog dies-sad. Letter in the mail-Happy. You get the idea. Anyway, when I feel these sort of irrational emotions, I can usually talk myself through them. "Come on, Matty McMattMatt, this is just a swing...the bottom of a bad mood swing. This is not what you are really feeling. Don't take any drastic action...it will all feel different in an hour (or less)." Yesterday, though, not even that was helping. I am feeling better about it, now, though...so, I guess all's well that ends well.

Last night I couldn't sleep so I broke out Angels in America, Disc 1. I have never seen the whole thing through...but mostly because I love the dream/hallucination sequence between the pill popping Morman wife and the guy that has just discovered he has HIV so much that I usually watch it 4-5 times. (I am watching it right now.) I am transcribing the scene here...mostly for myself...[him in italics]
  • I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Demille. One wants to move through life with elegance and grace. Blossoming infrequently, but with EXquisite taste and perfect timing. Like a rare bloom. A zebra orchid. One wants...but one so seldom gets what one wants, does one? No, one does not. One gets FUCKED! Over. One dies at thirty, robbed of decades of majesty. Fuck this shit. Fuckthisshit. I look like a corpse...a corpsette. OOOOH, my queen. You know you've hit rock bottom when even drag is a drag.
  • Are - Who are you?
  • Who are you?
  • What are you doing in my hallucination?
  • I'm not in your hallucination, you're in my dream.
  • You're wearing make-up.
  • So are you.
  • But, you're a man.
  • *SCREAMS* The hands and feet give it away.
  • There must be some mistake here, I don't - I don't recognize you. Are you my - some sort of imaginary friend?
  • NO. Aren't you too old to have imaginary friends?
  • I have emotional problems; I took too many pills. Why are you wearing make-up
  • I was in the process of applying the face, trying to make myself feel better. I swiped the new fall colors at the Clinique counter at Macy's.
  • You stole these?
  • I was outta cash. It was an emotional emergency.
  • ahh. Joe will be so angry, I promised him no more pills.
  • These pills you keep alluding to...
  • Valium I take Valium lots of Valium.
  • And you're dancing as fast as you can.
  • I'm NOT addicted. I don't believe in addiction and I nev - well I - never drink and I never take drugs.
  • Well, smell you, Nancy Drew.
  • Except Valium...
  • Except Valium in wee fistfuls.
  • It's terrible, Mormons are not supposed to be addicted to anything. I'm a Morman.
  • I'm a homosexual.
  • oh. In my church we don't believe in homosexuals.
  • In my church we don't believe in Mormans.
  • What church do -- *laugh* I get it. I don't understand this. If I didn't ever see you before, and I don't think I did, then I don't think you should be here - in this hallucination, because in my experience, the mind (which is where hallucinations come from) shouldn't be able to make up anything that wasn't there to start with - that didn't enter it from experience from the real world. Imagination can't create anything new, can it? It only recycles bits and pieces from the world and reassembles them into visions. Am I making sense right now?
  • Given the circumstances, yes.
  • So, when we think we've escaped the unbearable ordinariness and -well- untruthfullness of our lives it's really only the same old ordinariness and falseness rearranged into the appearance of novelty and truth. Nothing unknown is knowable. Don't you think it's depressing?
  • The limitations of the imagination?
  • Yes.
  • It's something you learn after your second theme party. It's all been done before.
  • The world: finite. Terribly, terribly - ugh, this is the most depressing hallucination I ever had.
  • Apologies, I do try to be amusing.
  • Well, don't apologize. Can't expect someone who's really sick to entertain me.
  • How on earth did you know?
  • Oh that happens. This is the very threshold of revelation, sometimes. You can see things. How sick you are...Do you see anything about me?
  • ...Yes
  • WHAT?
  • You are amazingly unhappy.
  • Oh, big deal. You meet a valium addict and figure out she's unhappy, that doesn't count. Of course...something ELSE? something SURPRISING.
  • Something surprising?
  • Yes.
  • You're husband's a homo.
  • How ridiculous. - Really?
  • Threshold of revelation.
  • Well, I don't like your revelations; I don't think you intuit well, at all. Joe's a very normal man. oh god oh god Do homos take, like, lots of long walks?
  • Yes, we do. In stretch pants with lavender coifs. I just looked at you and there was -
  • this sort of blue streak of recognition -
  • yes
  • like you knew me incredibly well.
  • yes
  • yes, I have to go now, get back. Something just - fell apart. ohgod I feel so sad.
  • I - I'm sorry. I usually say, "Fuck the truth", but mostly the truth fucks you.
  • I see something else about you.
  • oh
  • Deep inside you, there's a part of you, the most inner part, entirely free of disease. I can see that.
  • Is that - That isn't true.
  • Threshold of revelation.
  • People come and go so strangely here... I don't think there's any uninfected part of me. My heart is pumping polluted blood. I feel dirty.

It's not the most uplifting scene...but the play between the characters (who don't know each other) is absolutely amazing. And my favorite line EVER: 'Well, smell you, Nancy Drew'.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I Was Gonna, But Now I'm Not...

This post was going to be about exposing new secrets about Real World: Austin. Unfortunately my source has learned how to keep their mouth shut. I milked them all afternoon and I only got a few things. Same as every season, they get naked, fight, work (on a documentary about a rock band), and get drunk (I think they have to buy their own alcohol). American Eagle Outfitters gave them clothes to wear on camera. ucka. If we were talking Express Men, maybe...but AEO? I think not. If I wanted to wear cheap, crappy Abercrombie-looking clothes, I would shop at Abercrombie. ;)

And I was told on good authority that I would immediately fall in love with Danny...he's from Boston.

  • OK, I do love Danny...and it's more than the Boston thing...it's the ass. ;) (As Tiffany [the engaged one] says, "I would do 'im.")
  • I can not stand Wes. He looks like a penis. I don't mean I think he will act like a dick...I think he actually looks like some sort of wierd, deformed penis. There is nothing I like less than a deformed penis.
  • I am pre-addicted to 'The 70's House' starting on MTV July 5th...I love it. I missed the 70's by mere months and I have been trying to catch up since.

I Knew I Was Schizo...

You scored as Politiqueer. You go gurl! You are out to change the world, one vote and voice at a time. You do your work through telling people how it should be, doing it, and running for office. You keep marching honey, cause one day the world will change thanks to you!



Out and Proud Queer


Drag Queen


Circuit Boy


Drama Queen




Attitude Queen


Abercromibe Boi






Gym Bunny


Str8 boi


What gay personality are you?
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Monday, June 20, 2005

And They Say It's Not Genetic. LOL

Oh to be in Norway for Pride.

Poor little guy is confused..."Where did all my friends go...and why am I in a vagina?"

Get Ready...It's a Big'un

Everyone talking about Father's Day got me thinking about my stepdad. My parents were divorced in 1987 and my own father died in April of this year. I had no contact with him over the past 6-8 years, so I don't really have a special place in my heart for Father's Day.

My stepfather (Eddie) introduced my parents when they were young, back in the age of the dinosaurs. Ten years later after they were both divorced with 2 kids they fell back into each other. A couple years later he moved in with us...along with all of his Miami Dolphins paraphernalia. It was a slow transition; at first my mother and he would go out to dinner, or to a movie...no big deal. Then he would stay over at our house once a week or so...over the course of about 6 months 'once a week' turned into 'all the time'. I think because it was such a slow process that my sister and I hardly noticed until I woke up one morning and found an enormous orange and turquoise Dolphins throw across a chair in the family room.

Even when our parents were still married, they were close couples, so we were already friends with his 2 children. It was heaven when they starting taking their every-other-weekend visits at our house. Well, heaven for us...I'm sure it was hell for my Mom and Eddie having 4 kids running around the house for 2 days. Things adjusted pretty well...we got used to having a short person around, he got used to living with kids again. Eddie is only about 5'7", so even my sister had gotten taller than him by the time she was 10 or so. No one in our family is shorter than 5'10"...he took the jokes well. The biggest adjustment was for me having a man in the house.

Eddie had always been a part of my life. He was in the delivery room when I was born -- not as a Lamaze coach, but because my father was drunk and passed out at home. He took me Christmas shopping for my mom -- not only because he was taking his kids, but because my father was drunk and passed out at home. He took me to ball games -- not only because he thought I would have fun or wanted to spend time with me, but because [everyone, now] my father was drunk and passed out at home. It was a hard adjustment for me to make. I was used to having my mother as the only responsible adult in my life. If I had a problem that I ABSOLUTELY needed adult input for she was the only one I could go to. This new MALE INFLUENCE was not always welcome. It's not that he pushed his way into parenting us...but now there were TWO OF THEM...we had never had 2 'parents' before.

He usually stayed out of things. I still remember the first time he ever raised his voice at me. I had done or said something (undoubtedly) horrible to my mother and she yelled at me and left the room. (That's how my family works...scream about it for a few minutes, leave, come back and pretend it never happened.) I went to my bedroom and a few minutes later heard a knock at my door. I thought it was my mother and said, "I am not ready to talk to you." Slowly the door eased open and it was Eddie. He walked in and asked if he could sit down. (He rarely came into my room except when he wanted to play a video game we had rented for the weekend.) I said he could and asked what was up? Did he want to play Nintendo?, cause I was kinda not in the mood. He said that was not why he had come in, he had something he wanted to ask me. OK, shoot.

"Do you know what your mother is doing right now?" "No clue, making dinner?" was my best guess. "No, she is in her room crying because you hurt her feelings and I think it would be nice if you went to talk to her...apologize, even." I had the TV movie moment right here. "You can't make me. You're not even my father!" His reply was so full of truth and emotion that it has changed the rest of my life. "No," he said, "I am not your father. You never had one and I am sorry about that. But, that is your mother and she is feeling horribly right now. I know you love her and I LOVE HER."

WOAH. Wait a minute. He LOVED my mother? He almost yelled it...in my family that means you really mean something. It was nothing that I ever heard my parents say to or about each other.

I, literally, took a step back and said, "What do you mean you love her? I need to sit down." He came and sat beside me and put his hand on my knee. "I will never replace your father. You never really had one to replace so I couldn't if I tried. I'll be as much of a father as you need and will let me be. But, I do love your mother, and I think she loves me. More importantly, though, right now she needs to know that YOU love her."

This was pretty much the most words I had ever heard come out of his mouth at one time so I knew he meant business. I, of course, went to apologize to my mother -- and Eddie and I now had a secret...He loved my mom.

We fell into the same family patterns every family has. I started high school and we moved into a bigger house. Years passed. A couple years later I got the inkling that Eddie was going to ask my mother to marry him. I knew that my mother had vowed (lol) to never remarry, and told him so. He would not be put off it, though...and he proposed on Christmas that year. He made a big scene out of it in front of all us kids early Christmas morning.

After all the gifts were opened he jumped up and said he had forgotten something for my mom. After he left the room my mom shot me a look and I shrugged...I didn't know what he was up to, it had been months since our conversation. He came back with the little black box and got on one knee. "Kim, we've known each other for 20 years, and been together for almost 10. Would you marry me? Let's make this thing official."

The silence was unbearable.


OOF. She actually said no. No one was expecting that. It's one thing to swear off marriage after a bad one...but to actually say no to a good one...that takes commitment.

He didn't give up. He proposed on Valentine's Day, her birthday, 4th of July, His birthday, Christmas...FINALLY the next Valentine's day she said yes. (The joke was that the ring had finally gotten big enough.) She had two rules, though. 1) It had to be cheap. 2) It had to be fast. She had the big wedding before and didn't want another one. Fast it certainly was. They were engaged on 2-14-96 and married by the end of April. Dressed were ordered, suits were bought...his parents had the reception at their house on the river with an honest-to-god hog roasting in a pit. The beer flowed, the music blared...it was a huge party.

Late in the evening we sat down for the first time as an 'official' family for dinner...Mom, Eddie, Me, Elizabeth (my sister), Misty, and Joey. Towards the end of the meal my mother asked Eddie why he had been so persistent with his proposals. His answer, again, changed my life. "I know our love is real, but I couldn't face the thought of dying without you having been my wife."

It was so honest and truthful that it brought tears to my eyes.

Too soon, though, we would all be in tears. In January of 1997 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and on February 14th she had surgery to remove both breasts and lymph nodes. Exactly one year to the day after she accepted his proposal and we were all facing the mortal truth that she may actually die.

She undertook chemo and actually went into remission in the fall of that year, when I was starting my senior year in high school. The next summer, though, she had a bad relapse...I spent my first semester in college trying to juggle a full-time job, full load of classes and a dying mother. And through it all, Eddie was there for all of us...more than I ever expected.

My mother wished to spend one last Christmas with her family, and she did in 1998. The radio in the kitchen was on and they played 'Angel' by Sarah McLachlan. I went to the rocking chair my mother was sitting in and told her that this was going to be our song. The Sunday after Christmas she entered the hospital where she stayed for the last 9 days of her life. We spent New Years Eve in the hospital room drinking sparkling grape juice and laughing loud enough to keep the nurses coming in to join the fun. I never left the hospital in those 9 days until the night of January 3rd. I spent the night at home alone in our house. I looked at old photo albums and fell asleep on the sofa late in the night. We were in the middle of the blizzard, and traffic was prohibitted. My uncle is a local police officer so we had Humvees taking us back and forth to the hospital. When I got a call at 11:15 on Monday, January 4th, 1999 from Eddie's sister saying the Humvee was on it's way I knew what had happened. At 11:11 am my mother had struggled to take her last breath and passed away. When I got to the hospital and walked through the green double steel doors that seperated the Extended Care wing from the rest of the hospital, 'Angel' played on the radio at the nurses station. I sat on the floor in the hallway against the wall and cried for the first time since I had heard the news.

I sobbed for minutes and minutes before someone heard me and collected me off the floor. The rest of that day and week is a blur. I started back to classes at Purdue the following Monday and didn't tell anyone what had happened until the end of February. My friends were angry that I hadn't told them, but I didn't know how. How do you tell your 18 year old friends that your mother is dead? It didn't seem real. It made it so much worse living at home that semester. Seeing my step-father every day. He was hurt more than I was, it seemed. I saw what true love looks like when it it ends. An incredible, crushing, finality.

I moved out of our house that May. When I left Eddie stopped me and sat me down on a sofa in the living room. "I didn't marry your mother just because I loved her and couldn't imagine her not being my wife." "I married her because I love you and your sister, too -- And I couldn't imagine you not being my kids."

He was a man of (very) few words...but what he said, he meant. I don't have much contact with him now that I am on my own...but I love my dad. Long ago he became more than a stepfather...I don't even know what that word is supposed to mean, anymore. Eddie started out as a friend of the family and worked his way into my heart. So, on this father's day, I honor him. The ACTUAL father in my life.

*****This entry was not supposed to be so long. I am not usually good at writing extended pieces because they end up garbled and not making sense, but I tried really hard. Please leave comments, I would love to hear from you about your fathers...whoever they may be.*****

Tonight's The Night

You all thought I had no connections. Let's look back...over 3 months ago. On March 16th I posted that the good guys were gonna come away with the win tonight's finale of the Inferno II. Yup...The Good Guys win. I know, it sucks...but Dan didn't make it to the end, anyway, so I stopped caring, lol. Considering I knew the winner before it started airing, I am not entirely sure why I rooted for the Bad Asses, anyway.

(Dan is not my un-named 'source' referred to in the previous post. I have commented on his blog, but I don't think he likes me that much. ;) My source will remain a secret.)

*****By the way, I still need your questions to finish filling up my "Things About Me" list. Everything is fair to ask, and almost anything will be answered.*****

Sunday, June 19, 2005

I Thought I Knew Myself Better...

So, I am in the middle of my 'List of Things'. I am having a hard time thinking of any more things. So...I am leaving it up to you...
What would you like to know about me? Anything - Everything - As many things as you want to know.

There are 3 ways to ask:
  1. E-Mail Me
  2. AIM me
  3. Leave a comment.

God, I am boring.

I haven't posted much this week. Because my sleep schedule was all fucked up, I haven't experienced much of the world, lol. We got back from Chicago late on Monday night and started back to work early Tuesday morning. On Thursday, I had physical therapy that I was not REALLY looking forward to. My therapy girl is Australian with the curly red hair that Nicole Kidman used to have...she actually looks a lot like Nicole Kidman. (We have a theory, though, that people with curly hair are crazy...red hair=bitch. So, she had 2 counts against her already.) Well, she threw me 18 different ways around the room...Breaking some bones in the process, I think. All the while asking me how it felt. My response was, consistently, worse than before.

Then she had me lay on my stomach and pulled down my PJ pants and started poking, prodding, pushing. She was leaving me no bit of self-respect. She finally got far enough that I blurted out, "You are dangerously close to places no man have ever gone before.....in a long, long time." We both got a hefty laugh out of that one...enough for the cute PT guy from the next room to come in to see what was going on...and got a great view of my ass, lol...So we laughed some more. Just when I thought she was done she wheeled in what looked like a torture device. She had me lay on my stomach while she explained that it was an electric shock machine. (I wasn't feeling any better about it.) She attached the electrodes to my lower back and turned it on. She said to let her know when I felt it. (I, of course, was expecting wild, trashing, convulsions.) A slight tingly sensation started in my lower back and steadily increased. It felt absolutely yummy. It was the best massage I have ever had. She came back after 15 minutes and asked how I was...My only response was, "How much?" I want one SO badly. It is now named the Magic Tingle Machine. (I get to go back 3 times this week...I am insisting on the MTM.)

On Friday night I stopped by the liquor store to pick up a 12-pack of beer...thinking it would last me the week. Nope...I drank the whole damn thing...and then got on the phone with Adam for some amount of time that lasted until almost 5 in the morning. Good thing I didn't have to work till 1:00 on Saturday...I was almost over my hangover by then.

WOW...lapse in concentration...I started this post at 2:00...evidently I forgot what I was doing because I just got out of the shower after mowing the lawn....an hour and a half later. I ADD'ed and forgot I was writing. SO, since I obviously have nothing else to say I will leave you with pictures of my favorite landmark in Chicago. It's not because the buildings are all that attractive...the look like hair curlers, actually...but, I always know where I am when I see them. I sometimes spend hours thinking about the people that live in them. Do they know their apartment looks like an old-school hot roller?
Image hosted by Photobucket.comDayImage hosted by Photobucket.comNight

Saturday, June 18, 2005

It's All About Me!!

As if I haven't told you all enough about me, I am going to jump on the bandwagon and tell you (to-be-determined-number) Things About Me. I am drunk right now, so this is keeping me from shooting off e-mails to boys from my past, present, and future...believe me, it's a good thing.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Just 3 Ingredients?

How to make a Tragic Demise

1 part success

3 parts silliness

3 parts beauty
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Serve with a slice of wisdom and a pinch of salt. Yum!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

WOW...3 times more silliness than success...not sure how I feel about that. I like the 3 parts Beauty, though.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Day of Rest, My Ass...

Hold your horses Scotty...Here it comes.

So, after dinner on Sunday night we were in no condition to walk back to Paul's house. We jumped on the El at, literally, the cleanest stop I have ever seen. There were big signs to announce when a train would arrive...and as if that were not enough, a pleasing-voice woman came over the not-too-loud speaker to announce it's impending arrival. Then it all came crashing down. The train pulls up and it's still the same urine-smelling, homeless-sleeping, sticky-hands Red Line that I know and love.

Anyway, We got back to Paul's and slowly got ready to go out. Paul, by this point, knew me pretty well and came into my room with beer in hand. "Let's get going...have a beer," he said. Yummy. It was the first time I had anything from Goose Island Brewing in Chicago. It's called 312 (like the area code) and is super good.

We got out the door at about 12:00 (I think) and headed back down to Lakeview (Boystown). I can honestly say that I have seen or heard of just about everything happening on the El...urine, vomit, and various other bodily fluids that I would rather not discuss have been produced in front of me...but I had never had someone sit down just 2 seats away and spark up a joint. I didn't catch on right away and turned to Lynn to ask, "What smells like burning?" Oh, right...the pot that I now get to smell like all night long.

Oh well, no bother...we were going OUT! We hit th Addison stop and jumped off the train. (OK, not really...we just walked down the stairs.) We (I) decided to go to Sidetrack first. It's a video bar that has retro music on Sunday night. We got there and ordered our drinks, getting in the groove with the Bangles. A few minutes after we got there this guy walks up to me and asks if anyone was sitting on the stool next to me. When I said no, he brightened and said, "Well, I am now." Oh great, I'm thinking, some random guy is gonna sit next to me all night and I am gonna be all self-conscious about what I am saying all night long. Not to worry...about halfway through the next video he turns to me, laughing, and asking if that "was" Donna Summer. lol. Yes, it "was" years ago Donna Summer before she, and everyone else got all crazy. He turns to me, in all seriousness, and says, "You know what? I wanna get 7 kinds of rich so I can be crazy like that...It must be so much fun." (It's true...lol) Infatuation was born.

He asked if I was Lynn's hairdresser. I said no, but asked him why he thought that. "Your (collective) great hair"...Boy knows how to get to my heart, lol. "She kinda looks like a client that would say, 'Hey, Gay Hairdresser, take me out with my Straight Boyfriend to your Gay Club for a Gay Time.'" I explained that we sold shoes and had professionals that do our hair...he seemed slightly disappointed, like he was looking for a new stylist, lol. I had already slyly checked out his shoes, as I do to everyone I meet...they were cute...but this gave me a chance to get closer...I scooted over and looked down under the bar..."Cute shoes, who are they?" He didn't know. Not good. I explained to him that, at any time, one should be prepared with the brand, name, and size of the shoe you are wearing. He decided to put me to the test...Steve Madden, Crown, 12...earlier was Kenneth Cole, Thong Song, 13...Last night Steve Madden, Eclypse, 12 -- Don't mess with the master, lol.

By this time we were being playfully touchy under the bar...hands on knees...a little higher with each laugh...lovely. He was disappointed in me for not having ever seen Fame...I was disappointed in him for never having heard of Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam. Things only got better when he started talking about why guys never seem to want to date him: too short (5'8") ass too big (WHAT?) and add in the fact that he had fantastic hair, a pretty face, and had managed to keep me entertained for an hour when I planned on not interacting...it was love.

He said he liked to date taller guys, but they dismissed him because he was so short. I told him I was 6'2" but preferred dating shorter guys. He didn't believe that I was 6'2" so we did the whole, stand next to each other and check thing. When he realized I had a good 6 inches on him (I just realized how dirty that sounds) When he realized I was 6 inches taller than him he wrapped his arm around my waist and hugged me...this was progressing quite nicely.

When we sat back down I turned to him and asked, "So, what's your name?" "Matthew." "OMG, Me, too" (With a sideways glance at Lynn to pre-emptively shut up...I HATE being called Matthew...it makes me feel like I am in 3rd grade and forgot my homework...but it was cuter this way, so I let it fly.) I found out he just moved to Chicago from PA and I don't remember what he does because just as I asked they announced last call...damn Sundays. Why does the bar have to close at 2:00...those people weren't working Monday, anyway.

Anyway, we exchanged e-mails and he said I had to call him next time I was going to be in town. We were going to Hydrate to finish out the night, but he said he had to get home...sad. He leaned in and whispered that he had a nice time and then moved in for the kiss...the lovely kiss. He tasted like vodka and chewing gum...yum. (He drinks vodka gimlets.) He left just enough before us that I got to see him walking across the street...it WAS a nice ass.


On to Hydrate...It's open till 4:00. Hey, look, it's 2-4-1 drinks night...YAY. long story short--we drank a lot...a drag queen fell down a lot...Paul got hit on twice...Lynn got hit on twice...I got hit on by a bike messenger on his way to a delivery (he stopped in for a couple shots on his way)...we heard Pussycat Dolls "Don't Cha" for the 3rd night in a row...4:00 a.m.

We grabbed a cab and headed back to Evanston...discussing our night and the fact that we MIGHT not be done drinking. When we got back to Paul's he broke out the Stoli and 7UP...and we stood around the island in the kitchen for the next hour or so drinking and laughing...just enjoying each other's company. It was fun. It's official, now, that Paul is my favorite straight boy. Anyone that can date Lynn, get along with me, and spend 2 nights in 4 gay bars with us...kudos to him. We didn't even have the awkward wierdness when Lynn was getting a drink or in the bathroom...we actually had things to talk about. Love him.

We got up the next day and headed out for lunch at some burger place that I forget the name of. Too soon it was time for us to take off to get home before 10:00...Lynn and I both had to work early Tuesday morning. We hit the road and it was pretty uneventful until it started raining. At this point I am hurtling down I-65 at 85-90mph and it starts pouring. Only problem is that Lynn's windshield wiper starts creeping up the windshield...never quite returning to as low as it was on the last pass. Fine for about 5 minutes until the wiper starts swinging off the side of the car and wiping about 12% of my viewing area. I am torn between laughing and worrying that I have broken Lynn's car. I sneak a peek at Lynn and she is trying not to laugh, so I let it go. Then, GET THIS...she goes, "You know, I don't know why they only fuck up when it rains." Gee, Lynn...I wonder why your windshield wipers only fuck up WHEN IT RAINS...definitely falls into the "It's always in the last place you look" category. We got a good 5 minutes of laughing on that one. She turned to me and said. "You're going to blog about this, huh?" "Oh, you bet your ass I am!" So there you go.

On a side note, why did no one tell me that Jesse Metcalfe is in this 3 Doors Down video? You all just lost cool points...for a minute. Oh, and I am re-in-love-with Jason Mraz.

-- Anyone who has noticed the times of my posts lately will realize that my sleep schedule is still fucked up...and I have been rambling. I am not ignoring anyone...especially not the one that thinks I am. (You should be online more often.)

G'night kids.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Ahh, Sunday...

I woke up around 10:00 on Sunday (YAY, a whole 4 hours of sleep!) and started remembering back on what I could from the previous night. Good times...Noodle soup. I wasn't really hungover, but very dehydrated, so I shambled my way into the kitchen and spent a good 5 minutes trying to figure out how the water filter worked. I didn't want to disturb Paul and Lynn, and, luckily, I had brought a book, so I went back to bed. I dozed a bit and read a bit. Around 2:00 I heard some rustling from the front of the house, so I got up and met them in the kitchen. We had no real plans so we started on the papers. Let me tell you, 3 indecisive people can spend a LOT of time with the Sunday Chicago Tribune and New York Times. We read each other articles, laughed about the previous night...and completely avoided talking about what we were going to do that day. Whenever someone would bring it up we would quickly find an article to re-read or an ad to stare at.

Somehow we FINALLY decided that we would head down to Navy Pier for the afternoon. The weather wasn't great, but it was pretty nice out and it wouldn't be too packed. We did one lap to the end and on the way back went inside through the Smith Museum of Stained Glass Windows. (It was mostly to use the restroom, but I felt cultured, lol.)

We grabbed pretzels and sat outside the Bud Light Beer Garden listening to a pretty good cover band while people watching along the pier. (Tourists dress really poorly in Chicago.) We were asked to take several pictures of groups because evidently we looked like locals or photographers or something, lol. Well...here's our next dilemma...the 3 indecisives had made up their minds to do something...and had done it...now what? We sat there laughing at people and each other for a few hours, had a lot of fun. It turned chilly, though, so we jumped back in Paul's Pretty Passat and headed for the North Shore.

We walked into downtown Evanston for dinner at Las Palmas. It was a great little Mexican restaurant with good food and LOTS of it. It was nice, too, to talk through a town and see restaurants that are owned by actual people and not Chili's, Applebees, and O'Charley's. We went back out Sunday night, but it is late now and I will write about it tomorrow...It gets better ;) especially for your little Matty McMattMatt. (There's a boy involved.) Night for now, kids.

I'm BACK!!

Hey everyone...I didn't forget you and I sure did miss writing...but I was out of town over the weekend, and while the house I was staying in had plenty of internet access, I was in Chicago and had plenty of better things to do.

We got kind of a late start because we went out Friday night. None of us realized how crappy we would feel come Saturday. Our intention was to head into the city right when Lynn got out of the store at 5:00. In reality, she left work early because she was hung over and took a nap. We we supposed to be to Paul's house in Evanston by about 7:30 or so. That way we could maybe grab a bite to eat, shower, change, the whole bit and then head downtown. Well, we finally got motivated and in the car at 8:30...oops. We headed for the mall to pick up a couple shirts that Lynn needed to complete her perfect ensemble for the evening...and then we ran into GAP bitch.

I know it was 8:57...and I work retail, so I hate the people that come in at 5 minutes till closing. I try not to do it, but this was an emergency, and TECHNICALLY, they were still open. I try not to be THAT GUY, but sometimes you have to. We ran up as she was closing one side of the door and I blurted out, "3 seconds, 2 tanktops...please!" "Oh, sorry, we don't have registers left open." (OK...I am usually a pretty nice guy, but don't try to lie to me to get away with something. I have friends that work for GAP/Banana/Old Navy. First of all I know they don't empty their registers at night...and secondly, I KNOW they don't close before 9:00, EVER. To make things even worse there was a woman at the register bay making a purchase. I brought this to her attention and she said, "Oh, it's a return." Doesn't matter to me, bitch...the register is open. You should take a sale whenever you can get one, especially an easy one and ESPECIALLY if you just did a return. OK, I am over that.

So, we got on the road after stopping for ciggies and LOADS of caffiene. (Gotta buy cigs in Indiana...only $4/pack instead of 8.) I raced Lynn's poor little Saturn north at about 80-85 mph. After 2 1/2 hours in the car, 2 1/2 heart attacks from Lynn, and 2 1/2 times getting lost we were pulling up in front of Paul's building. Not bad for a 150 mile trip, and through the city, too. We got inside his (AMAZING) apartment, (Actually his parents' apartment, but they were out of town so we got to play pretend.) did the hello's and headed for bedrooms.

Anyway, WHAM BAM, we're dressed and headed out the door. We started out at Roscoe's. I was willing to do the straight bar thing, but Lynn's thinking was that they were already together for the night, why not try to hook me up with something. So, Roscoe's was fun, and I ran into my Super Jew, Jonas. Jonas, as usual, tried to lure me to Chicago with job offers. Last time I saw him he was working for CareerBuilder, and I had little interest. This time, he is working for Food & Wine magazine. Hmm, I could sit on my ass, go out to eat a few times a week and punch out a couple thousand words at my computer about it...I'll have to think about that. Well, we didn't get to Roscoe's till about 1:00, so soon enough they were herding us out the front door. What to do at 2:45 on a Saturday night? Charlie's of course.

I have written about Charlie's before. It is the used-to-be-country-bar-turned-techno-paradise with glitter boots instead of a disco ball. (And they're open till 5:00.) Paul was a little out of place on the dance floor...but he had Lynn to make out with, so all is good. They didn't fog the dance floor nearly enough to keep it cool, but we still had fun. Low point of the night was buying a beer and a water. The beer being $3.50 and the water being $3. Screw that noise...I shoulda just gotten 2 beers. As Paul pointed out, beer is only 5% alcohol, so it must be 95% water. Sounds like a WAY more fun way to get your 8 glasses a day! ;) ( Low, LOW point of the night was the creepy guy in the bathroom leaning over and looking at my junk while I am peeing. He says, "Hey big boy", and when I look at him disapprovingly, he just goes back to staring at my business.)

4:45 rolls around and the liquor has stopped flowing, so we headed for the Melrose for breakfast. Cheap, good food...and they don't care that you're drunk. Quirky wait staff and they serve butt steak. Another $20 cab ride and we were home...6:ish in the morning...sun is up...going to bed.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

On My Way Out the Door

A lot of you, like me, probably watch The Real World. If you watched the Philly cast or currently airing Inferno II, you probably know Landon. And you might know that I am in love with him, lol. Some of you may know that Landon is now modeling for Wax brand underwear. A lot of people wrote about it before I got a chance to...and I hate writing about the same thing other people have. I feel like I missed out on something and they probably wrote it better than I could. So, most of you have seen this picture:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

It's been all over the internets in the past couple weeks. A nice boy e-mailed it to me and I meant to write about it, but I was busy and by the time I got around to it, everyone else had a write-up posted. BUT...now I found this picture:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

And I have not seen it out there before. Oh dear, where do I start with my love of this man's body.
  • The shaved head. I am a sucker for a shaved head on a fit boy...it's a new attraction for me and I am not quite used to it.
  • Chest/Abs. I can imagine what they would feel like to lay my head across at night in bed...kisskiss.
  • Tattoo placement. There is something about a tat on the side right there that gets me every time. Bam Margera had one there that got me all hot an bothered, too...until he covered the rest of his body with them, too.
  • 'The Cut'. That little 'V' pointing you in the right direction. One of the most sensitive parts of a man's body...and one of my favorite.
  • Thighs. I couuld have those wrapped around my head at any time and be the happiest boy in the world.
  • Bubble Butt. It's not shown in these pics but it is in others...I have a little thing for butts. (A huge thing.)
You didn't think I was going to forget the most important part, did you? His underwear are, um, hmmm...how do I say this in a PG forum. "Filled to a pleasing degree" is good, I think. Oh, Fuck PG...I wanna rip those briefs off with my teeth and live off the contents for a week.

(I should, also, mention that the other guy in the top pic has nothing to be sad about, either...He is an extremely attractive boy and if any of you know him, you should give him my #.)

Anyway, I am headed out for Chicago. Have fun without me...chat amongst yourselves.

YAY Pundit...

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read.
Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few

OMG It's ON my TV!

I am just sitting at home, should be packing, but I am just watching TV. I've overcome my nausea from last night. It lasted until mid-afternoon...but the urge to vomit has passed. I was trying to be SO good last night...I had one beer at Lynn's house before we went out and then we headed out for the bars. We started at Jake's and when we walked in the BEST THING EVER (known from now on as BTE) was right in front of us.

[Side note: I just checked my mail and I got my new Restoration Hardware catalog today. If this day gets any better I am gonna poo my pants. --Sex would make it better, so I hope I don't poo my pants, that would be gross]

Oh, anyway, back to BTE...We walked into Jake's and one of our ex-co-workers (?) was working the beer bucket. What a step up in the world...going from commission shoe sales at a national department store to working the beer bucket at Jake's Roadhouse...wow.

Anyway...I was going to be good. I ordered a Coke and got it for free...ROCK. But, it's just not the same without vodka, though...and I was starting to get tired. Next round I got a vodka redbull...and Lynn and I started talking about sex and porn. That was the topic of the night for everyone....fine by me. My 'being good', was not looking like it was gonna work very well. I had 2 more vodka/cokes by the time we were leaving Jake's. We left and headed next door to Stacks (AKA Wabash Yacht Club). We headed for the restrooms and then to get drinks. (Nothing says class like stainless steel prison toilets...no walls...no mirrors...and no paper towels.)

Well, I tried to be good again...I ordered a coke...again free...again ROCK. We stood at the bar for a cigarette and by the time we were done I was over the coke...and asked for a shot of vodka in it. I am helpless in situations like this...I TRY to be good...but it never happens. So, we grabbed a couple big booths (our group had grown to 12-15 people by now) and I grabbed a couple more drinks.

Lynn and I wanted to dance...So we headed across the street to Where Else?. A couple drinks (and several requests) later the DJ played BEP 'Don't Phunk with My Heart'. Except it was 'Don't Mess with My Heart'...NOT ROCK. Oh well...He also played that song 'Don't Cha' from Busta and the Pussycat Dolls...so we rocked that. It was not a very diverse night at Where Else?. At highest count there were 12 white people in the entire bar...and Lynn and I were pretty much the only ones on the dance floor at all.

Anyway...it was getting late, so we decided to head home and order bad food. SLOWLY (Lynn's drinking shoes are 2 1/2 inch heels) we walked back to Lynn's house. HUGEST dilemma of all time...what gross food do you order at 2:00 in the morning. There aren't that many options: Jimmy Johns, Mad Mushroom, La Bamba, maybe chinese. Luckily Robyn called from Taco Bell and I got a Grilled Stuffed Burrito - Chicken. (I think they actually spell it Stufft...I don't like that.)

We are going up to Chicago tonight...to stay at Lynn's friend-who-is-a-boy Paul's house. He actually lives in Evanston, but it's not that far. Well, last night Lynn wanted to call Paul. (I have a firm no drunk-dialing policy.) OOOH, it was bad...she called and left a message...it was not good. She was all "I want your penis" and "YAY penis". After she hung up she told me I had to call back and leave a better message. It didn't work...I was all "I want your penis" and "YAY penis". Oops...Paul called back...he wasn't drunk like we thought he would be...he had been in bed...So we left drunk messages for someone that was stone cold sober...not good.

Anyway...We are going to Chicago tonight...coming back on Monday, I think.

OH...the whole reason of this post is that Chaotic is on TV right now...I haven't seen an episode yet. I love Britney...she is a stupid dork just like me...Are you still my friend? What if I said I think Kevin is really hot? Yeah, I thought so...nice knowing you, LOL.

Sorry for so many tangents..this is how my brain is working today.

***I actually found a blogster from Indiana worth reading...I might be the last to jump on his bandwagon...but you should check out The Once Exciting and Now Boring Life of Me...it's on the link list.***

Friday, June 10, 2005

WTF, People?

OK...I am beginning to think one of you is just fucking with me, lol. I have now had 5 (FIVE!) people referred to my page my searching for "Napoleon Dynamite Spelling Bee". I am sure not helping things by talking about it so much...but SOMEONE PLEASE tell me why that is a valid search. There is not a spelling bee in the movie. I don't think the new spelling bee champ is Napolean Dynamite...HELP ME.

(Sripsearch: The Man Pageant continues to rank up there in my referrals, too.)

Anyway...sorry the last few days have been so boring...I have been super busy with work and stuff. I am going to Chicago for the weekend, but I will post something super-good tomorrow. (or at least try to.) Going out on Chauncey Hill tonight...we'll see how alcohol reacts with the remnants of medication... ;)


Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Seven Things that Google Thinks My Blog is About

And one from AOLsearch.
I don't know what I did to please the Google Gods, but I will keep doing it if I can stay in the top 5 results for so many random things.

Those last two are on my referrals list...but I can't find my link in the results. The main thing I am worried about is that Google links me even before VH1 for Stripsearch. Bex Shwartz...I am a HUGE fan of hers...She is my Friendster...but I don't know her. I feel bad that I am linked before her own, MUCH better blog. I can't really say anything about the 'man panties' thing. That is pretty much a word-for-word quote of what I wrote in that post. Ummmm...PBS "Idol Time", huh? Do you think that was a mistake? They meant "Idle Time"? I don't know what they wanted, but I hope they found it here. Federfetus...I knew I should have copywrited that. I used it first on my birthday, April 7th...now EVERYONE is using it.

One more thing...why in the name of all that is holey would someone search for Napolean Dynamite and the National Spelling Bee at the same time...and WHY did they get linked here? lol

I Can See the Sex Vids Now

Who needs the hassle of dubbing tape after TAPE of that hottie you banged last weekend? Pull your camcorder out of the hamper and get one of these. Just pop it in your DVD burner and you are on your way to becoming the biggest porn magnate in the tri-state area. (Or the laughing stock of all of your friend when they see your tiny wang.)

I don't know why that is the first thing I thought of when I saw that article. You're probably supposed to use it for family barbeques, birthdays, company picnics...all I see it being used for is bachelor parties and sex tapes. I started writing this before I figured out what I was gonna say...can you tell? lol

On a personal medication front: I started the Oxycodone last night. I am not sure what is wrong. I still have more pain than I think should be allowable. I mean, I am not writhing in agony (or extacy), but it has gotten to the point that there is not a minute of my day that I am comfortable. I might just be a big pussy...but everyone I keep talking to is like, "Wow, you're gonna be high as a kite on that shit", and "I wish I had some ______ to get me through", and "Feeling no pain, huh?" with that little mouth-click-hand-point thing... I am not high as a kite...unless you mean the one on the shelf in my closet. I am not drowsy...I can't sleep at all. I AM feeling pain...and quite a lot of it.

I start physical therapy tomorrow...I have to go in the middle of my work day. Does anyone know what one is expected to wear to PT? I am severely lacking in the athletic clothing area of my wardrobe...when I exercise, I do it in a t-shirt, PJ pants, flip-flops, and not very often.

I hope this medicine starts kicking in because I have looked back over the last month of posts and there is very little positive content. I have been a bitch, and I think most of it is caused by the HORRIBLE mood I have been in because of this pain. UGH...Sorry guys, thanks for hanging in there with me. HUGS to you all...(Especially the ones that need it today...you know who you are.)

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Carla is a Bitch

OK, so you don't know Carla. I don't really, either. She is a nurse that works in the Occupational Medicine office at Arnett Clinic. I called in earlier this morning to see if my doc could prescribe me something stronger than Darvocet for my pain, considering it doesn't work at all unless I take MUCH more than prescribed. To get this point across to her, I said that the 2 days I worked last week, I had to take 10 pills each day to get through with only moderate pain...it never helped completely. She YELLED at me over the phone that I was taking too much and she didn't think the doctor would do anything to help me.

After 10 minutes on hold she came back on the phone and said the doctor wrote me a new scrip for Oxycodone. Because it's a narcotic, it can't be phoned in, I have to come pick it up. I get there and she has the scrip, but she said I had to schedule an appt for physical therapy to get it. (Like a ransom.) No problem, I said...It's just that when I called to make an appointment they said the woman I need to see is out of the office until the 13th. Well, today, she calls to make me an appt and miraculously there is an appointment open on Thursday morning. Well, thanks for asking, but I already have an appt at that time on Thursday morning. THEN she says to me, "You're going to have to stop being such a pain about this." WHAT!?!?!? I almost lost it. She said, "It's your job on the line here, you better just go when I tell you to go." I said, "First of all, you have NOTHING to do with my job...only my insurance company...so let's get that straight right off the bat." "Secondly, I can not help the fact that I have pre-existing commitments sometimes. I need to speak to the Doctor." She said he was busy...I said I would wait...She said it would be awhile...I said I had all day.

Ten minutes later he was in to see me. (Wow...such a long wait...) He asked me when I could make an appt for therapy. (What a novel idea...ask me when I am free.) I said any time except 9-10 am and 1-2 pm. He got on the phone...Voila...I have an appt at 3:15 pm on Thursday. To Carla, I say - You, my dear, are a BITCH!

So, I need to go pick up my scrip in about 45 minutes, and I am not sure how it's going to affect me. So, I am preparing for a bumpy ride.

Just remember...We Hate Carla.

(Just a side note...when you type Darvocet and then spell-check...it has only one suggestion: travesty.)

Monday, June 06, 2005

Your Mom Goes to College

Napolean Dynamite has won 3 awards in the MTV Movie Awards to air on June 9th.

  • Best Movie
  • Best Musical Performance
  • Breakthrough Male - Jon Heder
More Winners

  • Best Movie: "Napoleon Dynamite"
  • Male Performance: Leonardo DiCaprio, "The Aviator"
  • Female Performance: Lindsay Lohan, "Mean Girls"
  • On-screen Team: Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert, Amanda Seyfried, "Mean Girls"
  • Kiss: Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling, "The Notebook"
  • Villain: Ben Stiller, "Dodgeball"
  • Musical Performance: Jon Heder, "Napoleon Dynamite"
  • Breakthrough Male: Jon Heder, "Napoleon Dynamite"
  • Breakthrough Female: Rachel McAdams, "Mean Girls"
  • Fight: Uma Thurman vs. Daryl Hannah, "Kill Bill: Vol. 2"
  • Frightened Performance: Dakota Fanning, "Hide and Seek"
  • Comedic Performance: Dustin Hoffman, "Meet the Fockers"
  • MTV Generation Award: Tom Cruise
Now you don't even need to watch.

Poopty Peupty Pants-ss

Just a random offering of things online that entertain me endlessly.

Annoying Asians -- That's their title, not mine. Ami and I spent many a drunken night sitting at our computers watching this over and over. We have a dance...The one on the left is definitely the gay one. HOO HAA! HOO HAA!

Schfifty Five -- It is SOOOOO good to see it. You should watch it schfourteen-teen times. It gets in your head...numbers will never be the same.

Gay Boyfriend -- Holy ukuleles, Batman. The themesong for every gay-boy/straight-girl relationship out there.

Salad Fingers -- More than slightly disturbing. The people that made this are probably locked up for their own protection by now. I don't know what it's about, but there are 5 episodes and some newly uploaded parodies...

So Bad -- It's scary how similar they look. Well, at least when Michael Jackson gets locked up we will still have another scary-looking, skinny, white woman to sing to us.

Contract -- Good for first dates...just so everyone knows what's allowed. ;)

The Poopie List -- Gross, I know...but if you can read it out loud the whole way through without laughing, I will send you a prize.

You Must Choose -- See how your choices stack up against everyone else.

Ze's Page -- Stuff to keep you busy.

Banana Phone -- Nothing to say except BANANA PHONE!

Pleix Films -- Last thing. Kick this one for St. Paul, and this for Minneapolis, and kick this one here for me and my superhero complex. All the cute boys are from Minneapolis...I suggest Net Lag, Cish Cash, E-Baby, and Beauty Kit especially.

Cancel the rest of your day...You'll be busy.

I Bet They Name the Baby Paris...

Instead of calling them Paris and Paris, I am going to go my usual route and combine their names in a witty, smart way...um, Paris?

Everyone is all atwitter this morning about possible baby news. Paris are pregnant!! News Weekly says that Paris H is due in December and points to a barely visible tummy pooch in her Carl's Jr. advert as proof.

Ce n'est pas vrai, I say. It is the consensus of all my attractive female friends that beautiful women are through with giving birth to their own children. Child birth is so very last year.

Everyone who is anyone has a surrogate mother...Just as the Murakami was the new Birkin, surrogates are the new must-have for fall.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

I am Never Going to Work Again

Wanna know why? I'll tell ya why. Cause when I go to work, we miss things like THIS!!

So, Jessica Simpson got Bammed...I SO want this to be true. I been needing a really good scandal since Oprah let me down.

I know Tiffany will disagree with me on this...but I think Bam is kinda hot. (Tiffany thinks he was on WildBoyz, though...so she might be thinking of Chris Pontius or Steve-O who are not hot.)

Wanna see a pic of Bam's wang? Click here. What? You don't wanna see it? I bet you clicked anyway. I know you...dirty, dirty people.

That reminds me...When I was at the Dr on Tuesday I had to get X-rays taken of my back. Well, I hadn't thought ahead of time about this situation, but I WAS wearing underwear for once. (They're cute...firetrucks.) Well, I had Mr. Hottie X-ray tech...and he complimented me on them. I blushed. I then realized that, while the X-rays were of my back, my "area" was being included. I have to admit...I plumped things up a little as to give them a better presentation. He gave me a sly little smile and walked me back to the other office. It got awkward when I then realized that my not-Mr.-Hottie doctor was now gonna see all my business.

He put the films up on the little light box and I really don't know what he said, because all I could think was...'That's my penis...my see-through penis.' It's not often (or ever, that I know of) that one gets that vantage point of one's own penis--straight on...and see-through. (It was quite an ego boost when he showed me the zoomed-in shot...I was a porn star...One of the big ones, too.)

Friday, June 03, 2005

Damn This Waking Life

You know...they say the biggest side-effect of Darvocet is drowsiness. Would someone please forward that memo to my brain? I have not been able to sleep at all while taking this medication. I planned to go into work today and I am not scheduled until 2:00pm. I didn't bother to set my alarm because I fell asleep at 3:00am. Well, when I rolled out of bed I thought it was probably 10:30-11:00. OH NO...6:45AM. I literally did a TRIPLE TAKE at my alarm clock...then the other one...then my watch...and another watch. Yup, 6:45...all of them. This normally wouldn't ruin my life, but the prospect of being up since 7ish, going to work at 2ish, and not getting home until 11ish does not bode well. Especially since My back is STILL FUCKING KILLING ME! I can tell the medication is dulling the pain...but it seems to serve just to let me realize how bad the pain would be without medication.

I always seem this way with drugs. Whatever the side-effects may be...I will be afflicted with the opposite, lol.

Oh well...I am gonna lay down and watch the morning shows. Should be fun. Feel free to message me/e-mail me/comment to keep me amused this morning...

Well, That Explains a Lot, Doesn't It?

Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male

Your brain leans female

You think with your heart, not your head

Sweet and considerate, you are a giver

But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

You know...I went into this test thinking I was going to do 'poorly'. Poorly being 50/50. I am really at a loss for words with the results. Well, there you go. It's official...I am a girl. So, I guess if you're looking for a butch-leather-top, I am not your guy. (In all honesty, though...I think you knew that already.)

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Just a Couple Things...

Today is National Leave Work Early Day. Just so you know. I am gonna fulfill my obligation, and yours, by not going at all. I am also all hopped up on smack again today, and it's raining - so that's good.

A hostage situation in southern Indiana has come to an end. Two men from the Cinncinnati area were tagged as suspects in a robbery in the Batesville, IN area. They were pulled over for a traffic stop, but as the officer was approaching, he sped off in the direction of Shelbyville, IN. There, one man entered a Bigfoot convenience store and took a local woman hostage. There followed a 20-hour stand off before police pulled the woman to safety and shot the bad guy. The only reason this is of interest to anyone is that Tiffany's fiance, Bill, is from Batesville, IN.

Soon a Chicago-style hot dog will be as close as your neighborhood Target food court. Vienna Beef of Chicago has signed a deal that would spread the joy that is the Chi-dog to all of America. This is not your ordinary, everyday hot dog...be prepared for a steamed bun, mustard, relish, onion, tomato wedges, a kosher pickle spear, peppers and a dash of celery salt. Now, if we could just get Giordano's to go national so you guys could all get a taste of a real pizza, we would be in business.

Porn dogs...pay attention. You now have your own dot. The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers has said they will begin issuing .xxx addresses for adult websites. Good news for the lonely...no more time wasted typing out .-c-o-m now it's just .-x-x-x. You already have that motion down pat and it can be done with your left hand. ;)

I watched dirty filthy love last night and it is your usual Sundance fare...Kind of low-budget looking, but pretty good. It's hilarious in parts and excruciatingly painful to watch in other parts. I wouldn't say rish out and get it...but if you catch it, you won't be disappointed.

Halleluiah...Hear the Angels Sing...

It's no secret that I'm a pretty big fan of the Clinton family. I came across this article from last week while I was getting ready for bed. Hillary Clinton actually has the support it would take to become president. We run into a few problems here, though. First of all, people are much more conservative in the voting booth than when being polled by a stranger. A lot of people want to seem more liberal than they actually are. It's very easy to be progressive and tolerant when your opinion holds no real consequence. Secondly, we run into the problem that the people that say they are most likely to vote for her are the exact same people that don't vote. Her highest percentage is from the group with the lowest income. Of course women are more likely than men to vote for her -- younger more likely than older -- low income more likely than high income -- and liberals (obviously) more likely than conservatives.

So, I guess my point is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get your lazy asses out there and VOTE...please. And don't wait till 2008. Go out for your local elections, too. Liberal ideas at the top start at the bottom...with grass-roots liberal thinking in every town across the country. Most of the people that read this are from more liberal states than I happen to live in. I am a gay, liberal, red-stater...and yeah, sometimes that is frustrating...but every time I vote it gets my voice out there and proves that there is a dissenting opinion here. And I am not the only one...I beg of you, fellow red-state dems, DO NOT GIVE UP!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Can You Use it in a Sentence?

It's National Spelling Bee time again. Was it last year that the kid passed out during the competition? Yup, here's the video. A Lafayette kid made it to the second round this year. His older sister has been in the National competition 4 times. Damn...I guess they don't need spell-check in that house...just a lot of, "Can you use it in a sentence?"

My spelling bee success was hardly national. It wasn't even school-wide. I think it was in first grade my class had a little spelling bee. It got down to 3 of us left and I wanted desperately to win. Allan missed his next word and I got it right...BOOYAH! Now, it was just Sarah and me. Her turn...her word is 'twenty'. No problem, right? Piece of cake, right? Nope...unfortunately for Sarah, our teacher was an Indiana native and doesn't enunciate that word very well. Sarah gives it her all: "Twenny...T-W-E-N-N-Y...Twenny". Sorry, thanks for playing...we have some lovely parting gifts for you as you exit...LOSER!I don't know what the prize was, if anything...but I carried that win as a badge of honor for the rest of the day. Who am I kidding...all year.

Four years later our school was trying to get someone into the state Geography Bee. It's hardly as prestigious as the spelling bee...but I tried, anyway. I rocked the house with my geographical knowledge...people were in awe. I even beat Tiffany, and I have never let her forget it. It came time for the school-wide competition and we were herded into the 'big gym'. I was there dressed for success...new black jeans (they may have been tight-rolled...this was 1990, you know) and my lucky red sweater. I was ready to rule the school. I think my mom even showed up. Tiffany was there, although I don't think she was cheering me on...she was still bitter about her loss. Everything went perfectly. I knew everything that people were asked in front of me. It's almost my turn. Step into the spotlight. (There was no spotlight...it was in the gym.) Here comes my question: Which state is larger, Maine or Massachusetts? Well, I was ready for this. No one I knew was from Maine. I had family that lived in Massachusetts...and I had gotten the spelling of it down, finally. I answered confidently, "Massachusetts is larger than Maine."

*ring* (that's the bell they sound when you are wrong)

WHAT!?!?!? How could this be? I slunk back to me seat...hot now in my sweater...stupid sweater. It was the middle of spring, damn lucky sweater. STUPID SWEATER. It was obviously the sweater's fault. I hung my head in shame. I was ready to accept my deserved ridicule...but it never came. No one cared, lol. It was fantastic. I think Tiffany ribbed me about it for a while...but that's because she is a bitch and we are like that. At least I know, now, that Maine is about 3.9 times larger than Massachusetts.

So, those are my Bee stories...I am allergic to bees.

Never Trust a Man with a Mullett

In my local paper today is this story about an alleged murder in the Perrin area of Lafayette. Donald Mullett was arrested based on suspicions raised when his roommate's body was discovered behind their apartment in one of Lafayette's historic neighborhoods. (I used to live 4 blocks from there.) The victim was unemployed, and not reported missing. Here's a clue...if your roommate disappears for, what police believe, two to three weeks there are two options. Either you killed them and hid them BEHIND YOUR APARTMENT! or they ran away to Mexico. Considering he was unemployed, I doubt he went to Mexico for vaycay.

How mentally deficient do you have to be to kill someone you live with and then leave them in the vicinity? And, if you were gonna do that, wouldn't you at least report them missing to throw them off your trail for a second? You know..."Well, he reported him missing, he wouldn't have done that if he killed him." Now you have to explain how you missed your roommate for weeks, but weren't worried about it at all.

I mean, come on, guy...make them try a little. There are plenty of places in Lafayette to get rid of a body. (Not that I have ever had to, yeah, right, that's the ticket...) There is a river less than 15 blocks from where the body was found. the surrounding area is all rural...go throw him a field or something, jeez. No...you put him in the backyard covered with a wooden door...BRILLIANT...PURE GENIUS!!!!

(By the way, the guy doesn't actually have a mullett...but it just goes to show you that you need to avoid mulletts wherever they lurk)

OK, I am done.

I've Got a Secret...shhhh

Bo Bice's real name is Harold...so nicknamed because when he was born his family thought he looked like a little Humphrey Bogart.

In other 'secrets revealed' news, Deep Throat's identity was breaking news yesterday. I learned from True Blue Liberal that Mark Felt, Assistant Director of the FBI at the time, has admitted to being the oh-so-explicitly named informant that helped Woodward and Bernstein expose criminal activity during the Nixon administration. He's 91 now...and deserves congratulations (belated as they may be) for the courage it took to dispose of government secrecy to protect freedom and democracy.

Bush 41 has been heard saying that he would like his older son, Jeb, to make a run for the presidency "when the timing is right". Now, here's me being a hypocrit: I wouldn't mind Bush:Clinton:Clinton:Bush:Bush:Clinton:Clinton...but I can't stand another Bush. In good news, even Barbara Bush thinks Hilary will be on the democratic ticket for '08. In her own words, "I'm not going to vote for her, but I'm betting on her".

Here is a lovely sentiment about the ups and downs of the term 'liberal'. And another:
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From Regis & Kelly this morning: In the New York Post today there is a compare/contrast of Paris vs Paris. Don't waste your time looking for it...but it lists Paris Hilton's interests as shopping and making home movies. This is the reason I love the NYP...it might be trashy, but they say what you wish you were snarky enough to come up with every day.

I didn't go to work today because I am on Darvcon 3 (think defcon...but not) and my back is still screaming. So, look forward to more posts today. I now retire to my boudoir for sleazy daytime TV. (I am working up the nerve to write my actual daytime TV experience for you all...look forward to it.)

Let's Go to the Movies...

(Imagine the song from 'Annie' right there.)

So...Tuesday was my holiday. Since I work in retail I had to work on Memorial Day so everyone with 'real jobs' could go shopping. I went to the Dr about my back again and he took X-rays. It's definitely muscular, this problem I have, and not skeletal...which is good. I fell on the 7th of May and here it is June 1st and my back is no better, if not worse. As you know I've been taking Darvocet 4 times a day to get through. I looked in my happy bottle on Sunday, though, and saw that I only had 5 pills left. My prescription was for up to 6 daily, but he only gave me 24 pills for 12 days. Even I can do that math. So today he upped the dosage to 100 mg and gave me 50 pills with a refill and orders to basically take as many as i can swallow until the pain goes away and come back to see him in 3 weeks. YAY happy pink pills.

So, the point of this was that I rented movies to watch on my day off. Monday night I watched Team America: World Police and Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, which in the UK is evidently called Harold and Kumar Get the Munchies. TA:WP was not a movie I ever thought I would watch. I tend not to enjoy the overtly funny movies that Trey Parker and Matt Stone produce. BUT, lemme tell ya, it is hy-freakin-sterical. (and on the DVD you get to see the puppet sex scene.) Harold and Kumar...same deal. I didn't think I would like it, but was urged (read: threatened) to see it. It was actually pretty good. And, even though I hate White Castle, by the end of that movie I was craving the intestinal drama of it. (It didn't hurt that Harold is kinda hot.)

Tuesday night and here I am trying to watch Finding Neverland...but Johnny Depp has a hard time holding my interest. I also rented another movie called dirty filthy love just because I liked the title. I mean, what better kind is there?

I started watching season 5 of Queer as Folk. I am going to miss this show very much, although it might be a good thing this is the last season. I will never tire of the reruns...but the characters have developed so much over 5 years that I can't imagine how they would keep it fresh for any longer. The show started out so intensely and stayed that way...a fire can only burn full power for so long...and as Emmett would say, "I'd rather my flame burn bright than be some little pilot light".

SO, ready to post and go to bed...cable connection died. So, this late night post will be up sometime mid-morning. And re-reading this...it is very apparent that I am in full DarvHead mode right now. It makes sense to me, but you'll have to figure it all out for yourself. ;)

*****UPDATE***** I watched Finding Neverland again last night in bed...it's actually really good when you give it your attention and don't spend the first half of it chatting on AIM.