FUCK YOU! No, Not You...HIM. FUCK HIM!

So, last night was pretty fun. Went to Where Else? to see the the girls with Lynnty Pants and Throbyn Toole. Our friend Shelby just started working there, so we went through the whole "SMALL WORLD, DUDE!" thing. Had a few drinks....a couple shots...and pissed in the grossest bathroom in north-central Indiana. Lynn is sick, though, so we left after only a couple hours. She only had 2 drinks, but it hit her hard. Could have been the cold medicine she took before we went out. I was gonna take a cab home, but Robyn volunteered to drive me, YAY...saved $15.

Got home and couldn't sleep, so I was online with my boyfriends Adam and Pimpin' until the sun came up this morning. I love my boys.

I got asked out on a date last night...with a boy. Unfortunately, this boy and I have already slept together. I know what you're thinking. Must not be very memorable if he forgot. Well, you would be wrong. We hooked up at a party and when we were done (well, he was done) he got dressed and then proceeded to tell me how many days he had been on Tina in a row and how high he was. So, Mr. Crystal Queen was talking to me last night as if we had never met.

Mr. CQ, you will never again know the wonder that is Matty McMattMatt.

So, today we are supposed to go over the the girl's house for grilling, kegging, and smoking. We were supposed to be there at 10...and it's almost 2:00 now...I don't think any of us are very motivated today. I have new motivation to be pissed off, though.

The 20-year-old has not been talking to me. I didn't write anything about it on here, really. And I didn't say anything to my friends, except for one drunken night on Lynn's balcony. We started out as just the occasional hook-up. Once every 6-8 weeks or so. Well, starting in April, it got to be more and more...8 times in 5 weeks. We never saw each other 2 days in a row...I would have to start calling it something, then...like 'dating' or 'seeing each other' at least.

I had a slight break down about it with Lynn one night and decided I had to end it. Well, I had the conversation with him about it and it didn't go well. I tried to explain to him that we were certainly not meant to be together and we were basically wasting each other's time while we could be meeting someone else that would last. He thought that, by that, I hated him...and didn't want to be friends...as we had been before. So, after our conversation about 'the end' he stopped talking to me. He would sign onto AIM and ignore me...even though I know I am the only person he has on his buddy list. He sent a random group e-mail and then one back to me saying that he hadn't meant it to be sent to me. blah blah blah

Anyway, he signs online today...and I expected nothing. NO...I get this message...

20: I hate you, you know that, right?
20: I thought you were in love with me.
Me: I never said that. We never discussed that. Were you in love?
20: NO. But I thought you loved me.

--nothing for 5 minutes--

Me: I'm sorry if you thought that. I thought it was pretty understood what was going on. We started out as friends and it got way more involved than it should've. I was trying to salvage a friendship if I could.
20: i thought we were gonna b 2gether.
Me: You just said you didn't love me. We've covered this. Why would we end up together?
20: Well i just wanted u to kno that i just got back from a party in indy. i let 4 guys fuck me bareback.
20: and i tried coke

--nothing for 3 minutes--

Me: What am I supposed to say to that?
20: well, aren't you jealous?
Me: No
Me: I'm pissed at you for being a stupid prick...but jealousy is not entering the equation.
20: u're calling me a prick? fuck you.
Me: You know what, 20? I am calling you a prick. You just did something supremely stupid to get me to be jealous.
20: fuck you.
Me: Did you know these guys? Where were you at?
20: no didn't know them. some house downtown.

--nothing...2 minutes--
(As I get the phone book and sit on-hold)

Me: Are you going to get tested?
20: maybe
Me: You are. On Monday. What time are you free?
20: I'm busy.
Me: Not anymore...I'm picking you up at 11:00.
Me: We have appointments at 11:30 at Unity.

And then he signed off. So, I dunno what you are all doing next week, but I am gonna be waiting for test results. Even if he decides not to be home...I should get tested again, I guess.

And now I am sitting here crying about the thought of him possibly being sick and losing ANOTHER friend to it. (Not likely, I know...but possible.) And crying about the fact that he, possibly, did it because of me. It's completely out of character from what I know from him.

And now my throat hurts because I have been yelling FUCK YOU! at the top of my lungs.

All I can think about is going to the girls' house. There is beer there, and pot...although, the pot would be an escapism tactic...and I don't like that. I liked it the other night when it was unexpected and fun.

Whatever...this post is just a big pile of throw-up, (And I almost wish I hadn't written it) BUT that's what's going on with me, and if you don't wanna know...don't read.