Action

I'm not really sure what to write about today, but I am bored so I reached into the "Things You Don't Know About Me" file.

I graduated high school in June of 1998 at 18 years old. I had already worked at Purdue University for a year and planned to attend in the fall. I had a friend from work named Dana. She and I dated over the summer and had a great time. We went to my first Dave Matthews Bad concert, my first fraternity party, my first a lot of things. Then came the surprise. In the middle of August she called me one night and was super excited. "Andre is coming back from Russia this weekend!" Andre, I thought, who is Andre? Her boyfriend...that's who. It came as a surprise to me. Not that I thought we would date forever, but she had certainly never mentioned a boyfriend. Well, that weekend he flew back into Indianapolis and we drove down together to pick him up. He was not the big, burly Russian I was imagining. He was tall, slim, cute, and hilarious. The three of us had a great time together.

The weekend before school rolled around and Andre's fraternity, Tau Kappa Epsilon, was having a big back-to-school party. Dana and I showed up and I paid my $5 for my red cup. I never drank, but no one knew that, because I always had a cup that I was sipping out of...usually filled-up with water from the bathroom. We were having a great time in the upstairs bar and people were starting to trickle out when Andre said he had a surprise for us. He returned with the largest bottle of vodka I had ever seen. It was 3-4 liters and had a pump on the top to dispense shots. And so I was baptized in vodka. I had my first real drink of alcohol that Friday before I started classes. I also had my second, third, fourth, fifth...ok, you get it. We were drunk all weekend long...and I knew then that vodka was my baby.

I knew I was gay early in life. Like kindergarten early. My friend Lance and I both got sent to the principal's office frequently for showing our affection for each other. We would play house...he would be the wife, I would be the husband...and we would pick the cutest boys to be our kids. During reading time, when we sat in a circle on the floor, we would put our arms around each other. And on the playground we would hold each other's hands and steal kisses by the swingsets. Well, by the time I got to Purdue, I realized that it wasn't always that easy. I didn't know ANY gay people except the ones that were rumored in high school. I set up an ad on a personals site and got a response right away.

His name was Eric and we agreed to meet for coffee. We became great friends and soon were inseperable. He introduced me to the gay culture at Purdue. He was the president of a fraternity for gay, bisexual, and progressive men...and was heavily involved in the LesBiGay Network. In January of that next semester I rushed Delta Lambda Phi and recieved a bid to pledge. My mother had just passed away a few weeks earlier, and I threw myself into the pledging process. I was selected as the president of my pledge class and after initiation I was elected Vice President of the fraternity. I also got involved in several other groups on campus. I became the social director of OUTcome, the social branch of the LesBiGay Network. We had a lot of fun with our weekly Thursday outings. (And of course the Thursday night parties that followed.)

Through my involvement I got to meet Judy Shepard, Matthew Shepard's mother. We started another, more political, group on campus called Purdue Equality Alliance and we managed to accomplish a lot. We petitioned the University to change their anti-discrimination policy to include sexual orientation and helped institute a zero tolerance policy for discrimination. A friend and I that were working with Planned Parenthood co-founded another organization, Campus for Choice...the first pro-choice/abortion rights campus organization at Purdue. It was a lot of hard work, but I had finally found something I was good at: fighting for my own rights and things that should be changed.

Since I left Purdue, all of the organizations I was involved in have joined forces to creat the Queer Resource Center. This includes all the groups I worked to help create and foster along with new ones like Kappa Lambda Phi - a new lesbian sorority, ALLY - a campus-wide support and action group, Queer Advocacy Alliance - formerly Purdue Equality Alliance, and a Queer Student Union.

We might be stuck in the middle of a red state...but we created a safe haven for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered students and residents.


I'm not entirely sure how to end this entry...no idea, really. So, I will just thank you for reading and take one more thing out of the "Things You Don't Know About Me" file.

Well, Aren't We Chatty

Most of you know I am a comment whore...I live for those little nuggets from you guys after every post. I was going to take a moment to thank everyone that links to me...but you can pretty much take a look at my link list to see those. Instead, I thought I would thank my Frequent Commenters. In late April I started having all of my comments forwarded to an old e-mail address so I could keep track of them without having to trawl through each old post. So, in the past 3 months, the top commenters are......

[Drum Roll, Please!]

1. Anonymous - 43
2. BF/FB - 38
3. Matty McMattMatt - 33
4. Jake McCafferty - 29
5. Scotty - 24
6. J6 - 20
7. Flannel04 - 14
8. Pimpin' - 14
9. Incognito Queer - 10
10. Rigo - 10

And considering J6 and FB are a team...that would put their total up to 58...making them the winners. Too bad there's no prize. Sorry guys...but doesn't make you feel better knowing you talk the most? Scotty's right up there, too. Considering he's one of my newest readers, that's kind of impressive. (Although, if I had all night at work to troll the blogs, I would comment a lot more, too. lol) Another note: included with Matty McMattMatt are all comments from 'Matt'. Before I changed my blogger name that included me...but now, it also includes Matt from chip-chat along with several of the other Matt's in Blogland.

Again, Chicagoist Says it Best

Chicagoist has a great write up about the impending May-Federated Merger. Take a look at it.

Also...Found a site with a petition to save Field's name. Most of you live nowhere near a Marshall Field's, but I figure you all love me enough to take 1 minute, click here and sign your name. (By the way...click on testimonials just to get a feel about what Field's means to all of us.) Marshall Field's is an institution, especially in Chicago. More importantly, being the first to concieve the idea of a flagship store in the country, Marshall Field helped forge the way we shop and live today.

Thanks Guys. Now, get clicking!

WOW...Random List

I keep a notepad near my computer on which I jot down notes of things I would like to write about...we're going to catch up on a few things tonight.

• merger
• Google
• [adult swim]
  
• Restoration Hardware
• Nic Brown
• Gobbler's Knob
  

May Company and Federated Department stores have finally announced their merger in this press release. Not a whole lot will change. Your local May Company store will, most likely, change its name to Macy's sometime next year. (Most not until fall) In markets where stores are duplicated in the same mall, one store will be divested and operations will continue in the larger or more modern facility. Lord & Taylor and Marshall Field's will (for now) keep their names. Let me just say, people are pissed. Part of the prestige of May Company stores is their regional names, and out customers have already (loudly) voiced their opinions. The prevailing sentiment is that they didn't like shopping at Macy's when there was one here...they won't shop at a new one, either. (Even if it really Ayres with a new sign slapped on the building.)

Someone (several someones?) has not caught on to the wonders of Bookmarking. Five times today on my referrals it showed a Google search for The Tragic Demise Matty McMattMatt from someone on ameritech.net. Lesson #26 in internet living: When you find a page you would like to revisit, just press [Ctrl]+[D]...Voila, a new bookmark for you. Oh...and lesson #27: Download Firefox and discover the joys of tabbed browsing...along with dozens of other advantages.


[adult swim]...I love it. BUT! Do you need to shove anime in the middle of my evening? I am sitting there enjoying my ATHF, Family Guy, Futurama, Harvey Birdman, etc...and all the sudden, all I hear is INUYASHA! Keep the anime later at night. Thanks.

Restoration Hardware...How do you sleep at night? Charging me $46 for the same Paradigm bath sheets that you used to give me for $34? How dare you, RH...how dare you?

You know how sometimes someone jumps into your mind that you haven't thought of in years? OK...So, I was laying bed last night and Nic Brown jumped into my brain. He is from about 2 hours east of me and I haven't seen him in over 3 years. Now, you might think that we were great friends and fell out of touch...but you would be wrong. Nic and I met through a friend of mine after they met on the internet. It was right before Nic's birthday and I took him to the mall one night. We bonded over a Marilyn Monroe cd, and I bought it for him for his birthday. (He bought it for me, too...how sweet) He and my friend were not a good match, but we were. We dated for a couple months and had great sex...but it was nothing deep. Why is he on my mind all the time now?

Speaking of random things on my mind...I once rented a cabin with my fraternity brothers for an event. It was a pledge retreat, I think...doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is the name of the town the cabin was in. Ready? Gobbler's Knob. Yes, my friends...there is a Gobbler's Knob, Indiana. I have been called a knob gobbler...many of us have...but I didn't know until then that we had a whole town.

Something Clever Goes Here

Remember when I said on '5,000 Day' that I had something to write about, but wasn't ready to? I think I am now.

My best friend for the past 20 years has been Tiffany. We met in elementary school and remained friends throughout middle and high school...eventually we became neighbors. We would spend our summer nights on the swings at a local park. Just swinging away the time...talking about everything you could think of. When high school ended, we went our seperate ways: me to Purdue University...her to Indiana University and then Harvard Law. We saw each other rarely...VERY rarely. But, our friendship was like a well-read book. You could pick up at any page and feel like you had never put it down. While at IU, she met a great guy named Bill...and through the years, to Boston, they became engaged and planned a wedding for this fall. She asked me to be her 'Person of Honor' and I was honored to accept. The wedding is in 2 weeks and surely will be a fantastic and memorable day.

Here's where the glitch comes.

Long-time readers know I have my ups and downs. I was long ago diagnosed as manic, but managed to keep myself mostly under control. I can usually recognize these feelings when they occur and keep their outward effect to a minimum. Privately, my highs would be ecstasy, my lows...mind-numbingly low. Over the course of the past month or so I have been taking a lot of painkillers for my back. Not a LOT, like you are thinking a lot. A Lortab and Daypro in the morning and a Flexiril at night. I have noticed, though, that I have been having mood swings more than ever. I spoke to my doctor about the chances of the medicine causing the change in mood. She said that, while possible, it was unlikely the meds...but to try to keep track of when I took my meds and when I noticed a swing. Unfailingly, my mood would drop 4-5 hours after taking medicine. Thinking about it, I came to realize that I wasn't even having highs and lows...just lows interspersed with various bouts of drug-induced hilarity. Every day at work, around 2:00-3:00 my mood would completely crash in the course of about 15 minutes.

Most of the time I would start to stress about money and whatever minor indiscretion one of my co-workers may have been performed. Whatever it was, it would reduce me to silence...preferable to the screaming fit I was having in my head. It doesn't help that the money I'm making is barely covering the expenses I have. My paychecks have been just enough to make bills, food, gas, and a few cigarettes. Not even alcohol...(I know, right?!) This forced me to make one of the toughest decisions I have ever faced. I had to e-mail Tiffany and tell her that I could not be her 'Person of Honor'. At best, I could not afford it...and at worst I would make a complete spectacle of myself by having a breakdown in front of 80-or-so people I have never met.

Tiffany called me last night (Wednesday) and brought something else to my attention. I was not only ignoring and neglecting myself...I was putting my friends through it, too. While my entire point was NOT to involve anyone else in my problems, my efforts only worsened the effect. My family is not one that shared emotions freely. If you had a problem, you should tend to it yourself. If it was something you couldn't fix and had to bring to the attention of another, it better have a concrete solution. Emotions? Bah! One of my favorite lines from 'Girls Will be Girls': "Feelings are like trasures. They should be buried." I was, unknowingly, testing strong friendships and precluding new ones.

Tiffany was, understandably, hurt...and angry. I promised her I would speak to her mother about seeking some local help. I have always had a tentative (at best) relationship with therapists. I tend to guard myself...and put up a wall of false emotion. I invent easily remedied problems instead of trying to explore deeper, more troubling issues. Not this time, though...I hope. I do understand that I need help...Not help in the 'call the men in the white coats' kind of help. Just in the 'maybe some nice pink pills will help' way.

So, next Tuesday, we begin a new chapter in Matty McMattMatt's Adventures in Psychotherapy.

Dr. Phil-led with Stupidity

I just saw what I would have to categorize as just about the worst promo I have ever seen. In a 30 second spot for today's Dr. Phil show, he is asked by a guest, "Have you ever been to an alternative lifestyles convention?" His response? "No, I would be afraid I would catch something."

WHA?!

I don't even know what the topic of the show is, and it might just be a trick of editing to get us to watch...but I was taken aback by that response.

Chicago Skyline: 2020?

A Chicago developer is planning a building on Chicago's lakefront that would dwarf every structure in the country. Christopher Carley has submitted plans for a 115 floor tower that would soar over 2,000 feet into the skyline. If built, it would dwarf even the Sears Tower (now the nation's tallest building) by over 500 feet. Donald Trump has already shot out with criticism of the design. Alluding to the threat of terrorism, he stated that "In this climate, I would not want to build that building. Nor would I want to live in that building."

Donald Trump, himself, is playing with the big boys of construction these days. His Trump Tower Chicago (expected to be completed in 2009) is projected to be 1,360 ft tall...just 90 feet less than the Sears Tower.

The proposed building is a slender spire that gently curves as it climbs into the sky. Each floor would rotate a slight two degrees from the one below. From bottom to top, the building would twist a total of 270 degrees...a full 3/4 turn from it's base. Tentatively called the Fordham Spire, it would contain less than a million square feet of usable space, compared to 4.5 million in the Sears Tower. Not only would it be a departure from the tall rectangles that dominate US skylines, it's visual footprint would be slight due to the design.

I studied architecture drafting and design for 5+ years in high school and college. It excites me when I see designs like this. It takes innovation and courage to depart from what is expected. Throughout the rest of the world, there are many buildings that have veered from the norm. No longer is every floor the same size and stacked atop one another like building blocks.

Chicago is the birthplace and has always been the home of the skyscraper. Chicago has always had a rich architectural history and, in the past 30 years, the skyscraper has been a staple for construction here.

Some critics point to 9/11 as a reason to caution ourselves in construction. I think we can not allow that event to slow our progress and innovation. America is known for, among other things, our perserverance and strength in the face of adversity...our refusal to be put down. This building faces most of its opposition from the residents of Streeterville, the area where it is proposed. It would add another landmark to the already infamous area. Navy pier and the Lake Pointe Towers now dominate the landscape.

I, for one, love the design...and while it is doubtful it would be constructed according to current plans, I applaud the effort.

(P.S. I actually wrote the piece above...not just copy-paste, like most news stories I share with you. What I am most proud of, though, is the HTML that allowed me to wrap the text around the pic. Never done it before...SO excited I figured it out!!)

Spell With flickr

Scotty was wondering where I get all my nifty number/letter pics that I use on here. Well, secret's out -- it's this little widget called Spell With flickr. Basically, you type in what you want it to say and it find matching pics on flickr cropped to show just those numbers and letters. Say you wanna spell your name:




This is what pops up. (It gives you the HTML code right below...just copy/paste.) Well...I, for one, hate McDonald's, and I am not really digging that the two 'T's are so similar. All you need to do is click the picture...and you get a new option for that letter. (Keep clicking till you like it.)
***WARNING*** This part can be slightly addictive...especially if you are a perfectionist or a little OCD.



Voila. New letters. By the way, it gives you a choice of whether to display things in regular size or square. Regular just means that they will not be reduced to a common size.



But, I think that looks too sloppy for my taste. Anyway, there you go.

(Oh, and yes, I do know that J6 and BF added their counter a month after mine...so, they really beat me by quite a lot. I just thought it would be fun if we both hit it at the same time...not really a competition. I think we both still deserve the congratulations we got. We did good.)

Day Late, Dollar Short

Thanks so much, you guys. From what I can tell, we hit 5,000 visits right at 4:00. I missed J6 and FB by just a day...damn. It still amazes me that so many people (even discounting the accidental hits) would come back again and again. With an average of 60-65 visits per day, it can't all be a fluke.

This blog has provided me a place to vent, rejoice, gloat, and melt down over the past few months. And, perhaps more importantly, I have met a fucking fantastic group of guys people from all over the country.

Sadly, I have nothing big to write about on this milestone...well, I do, but I am not ready for it just yet.

Stay tuned, everyone...let's see if J6, FB, and I can keep pace for 10,000! (Someone did mention to me, today, that it is a little unfair...2 against 1, you know...lol)

Tornado Warning

Um...sirens...funnel clouds...no visibility...I am going to go hide in the bathtub, lol...

The Bitches...The Dirty, Old Bitches.

Over at J6 and FB they hit 5,000 visitors today. Congratulations...er something. I kid...I kid because I love. I am a little jealous...just thismuch. I did have over 115 visitors Monday, though...that was exciting.

Oh, while on the subject...Who doesn't like the Golden Girls? No one...I know. Stupid question. GUESS WHAT...Lifetime is going to start airing Golden Palace next Monday night. Golden Palace? "What is that?" you say. Just the best bad spinoff/revival of a show in the history of human civilization. Tune in next Monday...I think it is on at 6:30 or something...check your local listings and all that.

Well, there you go: 6 dirty old bitches all in the same post. :).

***Bonus***
J6 just let me know that today happens to be Estelle Getty's 82nd birthday. Although she suffers from Parkinson's Disease, I am glad she is still alive and kicking. (Probably not so much kicking...it was probably a twitch that looked like a kick...sorry...still alive, though.)

Oh...This poor woman. I read about her a few weeks back and I have been waiting for a chance to post her picture. She auctioned off space ON HER FOREHEAD (fucking moron) to the highest bidder. As usual, whenever someone auctions something retarded, GoldenPalace.com jumped in and got it for a measly few hundred thou. So now this woman gets to walk around wearing this for all to see. (I am not sure what the website is for, because I REFUSE to click there. REFUSE!) Anyway, maybe she can get the '.com' lasered off and just pretend she is a wicked big fan of Golden Palace. Maybe? Yeah, probably not. Oh well...I hear bangs are making a comeback.



[And, if anyone is counting, that does bring the official tally up to an official, record breaking, SEVEN dirty, old bitches in ONE post. Two words for you: BOO & YAH. BOOYAH!] ok, i am done now.

Cut The Shit

Regardless the dangers of just becoming a link lizard rather than posting anything I, myself, write...You must click over to Cut The Shit and read what he says about Queer as Folk this year. If you haven't seen the show, stop reading right now to go rent the DVD's and spend your evenings this week catching up. It doesn't matter whether you are gay or straight...it's a human drama. It's a drama about the love of families, the love of friends, and the love of each other. And it's about hate...fighting hate.

I haven't yet seen the most recent episode that aired on Sunday night...but just reading Joe's synopsis brought goosebumps to my arms and tears to my eyes. I will miss this show when it ends in just a few weeks. It has encompassed my entire life as a gay man...beginning its run just as I came out of the closet and through the next 5 years. It has taught me a lot and I hope, someday, we can have another show that can affect so many people like I know QAF has.

Congratulations

Today This Bullshit is Called Scientology

Do You Like The Way I Rock It?

Watching the Chaotic marathon on VH1. As much as I make fun of people ridicule Britney and Kevin and their relationship...I find myself really jealous of what it seems like they have. I am watching the wedding episode right now and everything seems so possible.

I don't know what I've been looking for in a relationship. All of my successful relationships have started accidently. It's usually somebody I already know. Just hanging out with friends and all the sudden, one of them looks a little different. It's a new possibility. Over the years I have changed my idea of what a relationship entails. No longer an thing I feel I have to have...it's more something I desire, but do not need. Thinking back on most of the people I've 'dated'...it was just something to call the times between having sex. "Oh, us? We're dating."

When I think of a relationship now, sex is nearly the last thing that crosses my mind. I think about the Sunday afternoons on the sofa reading the paper. I think of the walks downtown to get coffee. I think of breezy evenings at the river watching the water and the sky go by. I think of the inside jokes that aren't really funny...not even to us. I think of walking in the rain while holding each other's hand. I think of the days when there is nothing to do, but there is nothing I would rather do...as long as I am with that person.

I think of all the possibilities.....

Prolific

Someone just asked me how I decide how often and what to post on this blog. I don't decide...it just happens. I sometimes feel the need to say things and this is where I do. It's not usually very important or earth-shattering things. Most often it is just me blurting out things that cross my mind and too often it is a self-serving pity party. I said I post a few times a week...I had no idea how much I have posted. This one you are reading right now is #213. I started this blog on a whim in late February of this year...153 days now. I have averaged 1.3 posts per day. WOW. I talk a lot. And people are reading a lot. I put up a SiteMeter on March 27th and since then have had 4,806 visits and 8,410 page views.

Thanks for reading my stories, rants, raves, and cries. I'll be here and I hope you will keep coming back.

Someday

I will fall in love when a man gets me to do something that frightens me by holding my hand and saying, "Trust me".

Am I The Only One That Didn't See _____?

It's becoming more and more clear to me that, while growing up, I missed a LOT of 'classic' movies. It's not really a mystery...I know why I didn't see them. You see, here's the thing. There was a period of time...say from 6-11...that there were only 2 movies I watched. The NeverEnding Story and The Goonies. These were my hopes and dreams...I WAS Sebastian...I WAS Atreyu...I WAS Mikey. Every weekend, my stepbrother and stepsister would visit my sister and me...and EVERY weekend we had to stop at VideoLand (turned VideoUpdate turned MovieGallery) to rent Goonies and The NeverEnding Story. Oh, and we didn't own a VCR, so we would rent one of those, too. Colt brand VCR...in a suitcase-like container designed to --I don't know why it was in a container like that.

Anyway, we would always rent those 2 movies, much to our parents chagrin...it wasn't until later that we got a second television, so they would have to sit through them, too...or find something else do to. Sure, sometimes we would throw in a good PG-13 (alright...R) horror flick just to keep up on what Freddie or Jason were up to these days. Our parents were never much on enforcing arbitrary movie ratings. If we wanted to see it, we could...we regulated ourselves pretty well. If something was too scary or too sexy, we had the sense to fast forward through it. We didn't want to see sex anyway...we just wanted to wits scared out of us before bed, lol.

During this time, though...a LOT of movies came out that, it seems, everyone saw. I can't think of a better example than the Star Wars Trilogy...(would that be a sexilogy now?) I didn't see a Star Wars movie until I was 19 years old. It was Episode One (Four) and I saw it as part of a compromise. Half of my friends wanted to see SW:EI and the other half (including me) wanted to see some other movie. No doubt my movie included cheerleaders, high school cliches, and the big party on Friday. The compromise was that we would see them back to back. I was a good sport...it was fair. People literally thought I was lying when I told them that I had not seen a Star Wars movie. I saw it...I gave it a chance...I HATED it. I do not like SciFi movies or books. I just don't get it.

It comes up a lot, though, that people mention a movie and I will be the only one in the room that hasn't seen it. It's hard to catch up, though. How do you catch up on a whole lifetime of movies? I, especially, have a hard time because I have a hard time watching a movie by myself. I get completely ADD and can't sit through a movie alone. So that means I have to find someone else that wants to see that same movie...that they probably already saw 10-15-20 years ago.

Another one: The Boondock Saints. This movie is 6 years old and I never even heard of it until last summer. Now, all the sudden, EVERYONE (literally everyone) I know is talking about this movie. No one has it...but they've all seen it. I like to think of myself as someone who is on top of pop culture...trends, movies, music and such. How did I miss this?

In the past few years I have seen a lot of those 'classic' movies...I dated someone whose pastime was buying/renting/watching movies...dozens a month. And then Ami and I lived together. Wow...we watched some movies. When we first started hanging out as friends we would go out to bars, namely Chumley's, 4 or 5 nights a week. After we moved into our apartment together, we realized that we could have the same (more) fun staying at home and making our own drinks. Saving $30 a night was a plus...and we actually got to talk to each other, lol. We started renting movies, too. A LOT OF MOVIES. Our average night started to entail me getting home from work, showering and getting jammied up, breaking open a liter or 2 of vodka and a couple movies.

I do now have a list of my fav movies that I think EVERYONE should check out:

• I (Heart) Huckabees
• Down With Love
• Memento
• Identity
• Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, A Mighty Wind (sort of a series)
• Garden State
• Chicago
• Napoleon Dynamite
• Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
  

Those are the ones that a lot of people have seen. The ones I really like, though, are the ones that I find on the shelf at the video store with only one copy. These are the gems that people rarely discover.

• Girls Will be Girls
• CAMP
• Die, Mommie, Die
• Elephant
• Everyone

I don't even know what this post is supposed to be about anymore. What I do know is that it is 93 degrees, 80% humidity, with a heat index of 113...I think the heat is getting to my brain. OK, I am inside and it's a comfortable 72.

One more thing...He has officially moved. The one person I think I have actually loved in my life is officially out of it.

That's Hawt

Watching SNL tonight...Jack Johnson is my love. When I think of him...he's not THAT attractive, and not THAT talented...but then I watch him, and I am his. Oh, and they just started playing Paris Hilton's Hardee's commercial here. I, for one, love it. It is a little porny, but I expect little more from Paris.

By the way, Hardee's is the midwest's answer to Carl's Jr. Everything's the same, even the star...but we call it Hardee's and no one eats there.

Oh, and Incognito is drunk and it is hilarious...I am entertained for the night. All rum and no play makes Incognito a fun boy.

Post Poned

I had a post all cooked up and ready for you guys...but my scheduled mental breakdown has been interrupted by a migraine of epic proportions. I couldn't sleep last night...didn't get to sleep, in fact, until 6:30 this morning. When I woke up at 11:00 I was in the throes of a horrible headache. If I didn't know better, I would have thought I had a night on the town last night. I never realized how similar a migraine and a hangover can feel. I have spent the whole afternoon rolling around my bed with David Sedaris, Naked. Trying to read while quelling the nausea. I am going to go lay down now.

By the way, if anyone lost a pair of ice-picks...I found them, stabbed into my eyeballs.

Of Course

Isn't it just perfect that Mr. Ass-Hat is from Indiana? Kill me now.

Deja Vu

On the morning of 9-11-01 I woke up at 7:30 in the morning...for my regular work schedule at 9:00. After my shower, I turned on the television as I usually do while I am getting ready. The first thing I saw was a report on MSNBC that a plane had hit one of the WTC towers. While certainly a tragedy, I didn't thing too much of it. It has happened before...a plane losing altitude, hitting a building. It's not a common occurrence, but it has happened. As I continued to dress I kept an eye on the tv for any more information. Just after 8:00, I turned to the television I saw them playing a video...I thought it was a repeat of footage they may have had of the plane hitting the building. (I didn't know until later that there was only a French film showing the first crash...not shown until much later.) It quickly dawned on me that the building I saw was already ablaze...What is that other plane doing? Hitting the other tower, I soon found out.

The feeling was exactly the same as I woke this morning at 8:45. I turned on the tv as I got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. From there, I heard MSNBC talking about 3 subway and 1 bus bomb in London. Why, I thought, are they talking about this again. It was obviously a tragedy, but does it deserve such frantic coverage 2 weeks later? I came back to the bedroom and stood watching...still wondering...until the showed a map of the London tube system that looked unfamiliar. Shit. Again. Fuck.

How are we supposed to react to this? Exactly 2 weeks after the last blast. Should we just call off August 4th...two weeks from now...just in case? I know in 2001 we went through this...expecting another attack. But it never came. In London, it has. Could it happen, yet again, in 2 more weeks?

On another note, I am torn about something I heard on one of the news stations last night as I was falling asleep. One man was defending the right of reporters to protect their sources...a right I strongly support. The man opposing him was saying that concealing sources could hinder the 'war on terror'. This could be true in some cases...but where do we draw the line? How do we decide what sources get that protection? And what would the possibility of being identified do to people who have information, but might wish to remain anonymous. What might go uncovered... undiscovered... unknown... until too late? It's a fine line we walk in today's world.

What rights are we willing to give up for our own protection? In the US we have seen drastic changes in air travel. Viewed, sometimes, as a pain...have they been a deterrent? And what, besides being more aware, can we do for our own rail service? Being a habitual rider of the CTA in Chicago, I know first-hand that there is little security and certainly no screening process. Could it ever be feasible to screen train travel? Amtrak, surely, could institute a more rigorous process, but metro trains are, by definition, open to the public at it's will. A virtual standstill would occur if you tried to screen subway or el passengers before boarding.

If, in the future, it is not air or rail travel being attacked...what will be? The US is certainly no stranger of buildings being bombed, most memorably the OK City Federal Building and the WTC, itself, in the early 90's. At what point can we live without fear of attack? And, if we can't, is this a monumental change in the way we must live our lives going into the future?

Tornado Sirens...YAY

I LOVE storms. And we are having a doozy right now. Straight line wind gusts up to 60 mph...incredible lightning...booming thunder...tornado sirens. I am in heaven. (My dog Bella, on the other hand, is about to piss her britches.)

Another reason to be excited: Starting next month, in Chicago, police will start issuing tickets (actual tickets) to bicyclists that do not obey vehicular traffic laws. (i.e. riding on the road, not the sidewalk, riding with the flow of traffic, obeying traffic signals, etc.) This us HUGELY great news...especially if, like me, you get a nearly uncontrollable urge to pop your door open when you are driving and a bike come up between the lanes of traffic. The fines for these tickets can range between $25 and $250.

Bone Booth not playing. The Colin Farrell sex tape has been officially blocked for release by a judge in (I think) California. A lot of people have commented that, at only 15 minutes long, the tape can't be that great. I don't know about you, but there can be a LOT of GOOD sex in 15 minutes. Yes, ideally, there would be long, slow, passionate sex...sandwiched between tender foreplay and loving cuddles, of course...BUT, there are those times when you need a good hard fuck. And that can be accomplished in 15 minutes.

[no official tornadoes, yet...just severe thunderstorm warnings]

That is what is great about the National Weather Service in Indianapolis...looking at the radar, the storm is officially over, lol. And now they issue a severe thunderstorm warning...thanks.

Nothing else going on, really. Although, I do really wanna go play in the rain right now...

A Dream in Stream of Consciousness

I had a dream this afternoon while I took my nap before mowing the lawn. It was a combination of reading Me Talk Pretty One Day and having the tv on. I thought about posting it...but I didn't want to take the time to write it down. But, tonight, while talking to IncognitoQueer* I recounted my memory of it. So, I present to you now...my dream in AIM format.

StructureExpress (10:43:42 PM): i dreamt that lynn and i were going on vacation in paris...but then it was not really a vacation, but a race (like the amazing race)
IncognitoQueer (10:44:02 PM): I would love to be on the amazing race
StructureExpress (10:44:08 PM): it was lynn vs me and we had to start in south africa
StructureExpress (10:44:30 PM): she found a lady (megan mullaly) to help her and i got dr. phil to help me
IncognitoQueer (10:44:42 PM): Wow... you are crazy even in your dreams
StructureExpress (10:44:56 PM): dr phil had a motorcycle that went twice as fast if you turned it sideways.
StructureExpress (10:45:10 PM): then we found out that megan mullaly and dr phil were married...
StructureExpress (10:45:53 PM): and they drug us all the way to paris behing their motor home on those folding chaise lounges (the ones with the nylon webbing)
StructureExpress (10:46:01 PM): and we stopped at my grandparent's farm...
StructureExpress (10:46:14 PM): where i met a cute farm guy and stopped to have sex...
StructureExpress (10:46:33 PM): i thought lynn was going to win, but i won because there was a rule that you had to have sex along the way and she forgot to
StructureExpress (10:46:44 PM): so then she said she would have sex with dr phil...but he said no
StructureExpress (10:46:49 PM): and then i woke up

* Names have been changed. Not so much to protect anyone, but I don't like publishing other people's AIM names.

ACK...

Since my last post my e-mailboxes have been exploding...

I am actually expecting an e-mail, so everytime I hear the "YAHOOOOOO!" or the ding from G-Mail I hop to the computer. Well, I haven't gotten anything that I was expecting, but I did get a couple dozen e-mails from orgs that I belong to and readers of Tragic Demise. I hadn't fully grasped the number of organizations that recieve support (monetary or otherwise) from me. I heard from SaveTheCourt.org, People for the American Way, True Majority Action, HRC, John Kerry, Senator Evan Bayh and YP4 along with some old colleagues from Campus for Choice. Most of the e-mails I got from readers were in line with my thinking..."Fuck Me"...but some of my readers tend to the conservative side. I wasn't aware of that...but I certainly didn't mean to offend.

The problem is...when things I believe in are endangered, I tend to speak up...I would expect you to do the same. In other words...I thank you for sharing your ideas, but don't expect that you are going to do much to dissuade me from by beliefs.

(And try to be a little more polite in your e-mails...it's just nice.)

Fuck No

John G. Roberts Jr. - Harvard grad, Judge, Nominee, Ass-hat

OK...the press conference is not until 9:00 EDT, but I just got the news. To steal a phrase from Cut The Shit all I have to say is Fucking Shit. Fucking fuck shit. And also, fuck. Shit.

I can’t believe it.

Fuck me with a wooden spoon. No don't...I wouldn't want to get pregnant and then not be able to have an abortion.

"We continue to believe that Roe was wrongly decided and should be overruled. As more fully explained in our briefs, filed as amicus curiae, in Hodgson v. Minnesota, 110 S. Ct. 2926 (1990); Webster v. Reproductive Health Services, 109 S. Ct. 3040 (1989); Thornburgh v. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, 476 U.S. 747 (1986); and City of Akron v. Akron Center for Reproductive Health, 462 U.S. 416 (1983), the Court's conclusions in Roe that there is a fundamental right to an abortion and that government has no compelling interest in protecting prenatal human life throughout pregnancy find no support in the text, structure, or history of the Constitution." -- John G. Roberts Jr.

"I've had more kids pulled out of me than a burning orphanage" -- Evie Harris 'Girls Will be Girls'

OK, it's not the nicest sentiment...but it's a right.

STOP FUCKING WITH RIGHTS!

Oh, and he hates the earth. Seriously? Blowing off the top of a mountain...rearranging the planet, itself...to get more coal.

STOP FUCKING WITH THE PLANET!

*Rumor Alert*

I was informed by a (fairly) reliable source that Chicago may be in the running for the 2016 Olympics. I am not surprised, really. Chicago has most of the infrastructure in place already to handle such an event. Soldier Field has recently been renovated and could be used for Opening/Closing Ceremonies...along with track and field events. Theres the United Center and McCormick Place...and, of course, the lake...

Here's to Chicago '16.

*****UPDATE*****
Chicagoist actually had this written up a few days ago. Check their site for a much better write-up.

HOLY COW!!!

For the Chicago Cubs fans out there...

-You are out there, right?-

...You can get Harry Caray ringtones from Cingular now. You know Harry Caray...

• "It might be...It could be...It is...Homerun!"
• "HOLY COW!"
• "It's a Cubs win. Cubs Win. CUBS WIN!"
• "Take me out to the ball game..."

You know Harry Caray. He was quintessential baseball...I still get goosebumps when I hear his voice, trembling with emotion, announcing a win for the Cubbies.

No 'Mo That I Know

So, I am outside

--sorry, I just realized how much Rachael Ray looks EXACTLTY like a short version of my friend Hoodily Doodily--

Anyway...outside mowing my lawn. I hate mowing the lawn...every damn week. The HORRIBLE downside to house living vs. apartment living is that you have a lawn to take care of...and it not just mowing, ugh. So, I'm outside having fun with my Tecumseh Yard Machine (3.8 horsepower...impressive, yes?) and who should pull up across the street? Ron...of Ron's Lawns. (Spelling corrected from the actual "Rons Lawn's" that is painted on his rusty truck.) Ron does not like me. I don't pay him to mow my lawn like everyone else in the neighborhood does. I don't like paying someone $25 to walk over my lawn once a week...(twice when he can get away with it by sneaking through when I am not home.)

...Not to mention I feel sorry for the Hispanic guys that work for him. I know they can't speak English very well, and he tells them that they get half of the payment. Except he tells them that he only charges $10. So they make $5 and he takes home $20 for smoking a few cigarettes while they sweat their asses off. So, I usually end up paying the guys an extra $10-15 bucks to trim a perfectly manicured bush, or pull an imaginary weed.

Well, he pulls up across the street and glares at me as he pulls his fancy-schmancy lawn mowers out of the back of his truck and sets his guys to work. These guys are ready for work...they wear the right clothes and everything. They are wearing button up shirts and olive-green Dickies work pants with heavy boots or shoes...I, on the other hand, am wearing a DKNY t-shirt, pajama pants and GAP flip flops from last summer. I am trying not to pay attention to him across the street as his fleet of lawnmowers take over the neighborhood. And then...the mower dies. While I have the good ole-fashioned pull cord mower, Rons has the fancy ones with buttons, or keys, or magic wands that start them. So, while I am yanking the mower all over the yard trying to get it to rumble back to life, he stares at me from the tail-gate of his truck...laughing at me. I hate him...

I finally got the mower started right about the time that his guys came back to the truck to empty their mower bags. (I have a mulching mower, so I don't have to do that.) I finished the front lawn and headed to the back...hearing his laughing in my head...I hate him. I can't be the only person in the city that mows his own lawn, can I? I am the only 'mo I know that even knows how to start a mower...but someone mows their own lawn. Right?

Changing Stories

Dear Blogsters,

I hope you will join me right now in signing an open letter to the President urging him to thoroughly reject Karl Rove's purposeful attack on the patriotism of those who dare ask the tough questions that best protect American troops.


Sign the letter

Dear Matty McMattMatt,

How many more times will Karl Rove make President Bush eat his words and shred his credibility before Karl Rove does the honorable thing and leaves the White House?

Yesterday the President furiously backpedaled from his promise to fire anyone involved in leaking the identity of a covert CIA agent to the press. Now that it's known that Rove and Vice President Cheney's Chief of Staff Lewis Libby were involved, the President has lowered the bar and now says he'll only fire someone who is convicted of a crime.

President Bush is setting a terrible standard of leadership in the White House by protecting insubordinate aides who refused to come forward when the President demanded to know who in his administration leaked Valerie Plame's identity -- and he's sending a disturbing message about our national security.

The President should not wait to find out whether Rove is convicted in the end for his leak. Either Rove lied to the President about this matter of national security, which means he should be fired immediately, or the President is not being straight with the American people about his own involvement in this case.

With all the dissembling coming out of the White House, it's clear that the only way the American people can get to the bottom of this is through full Congressional hearings. I will call for hearings this week -- and you can strengthen this call by adding your name to our petition today:

Click Here

With both the House and Senate in Republican hands it will be difficult to force Congressional hearings on the Bush White House. Having as many statements as possible from people in every state will help my colleagues and me show that this is what America wants. According to a poll released yesterday by ABC News, 75% of Americans believe that Karl Rove should be fired if he leaked classified information.

More than 300,000 people have signed on so far -- help us double our numbers by forwarding this email to your friends asking them to sign:

Click Here

Thank you,

John Kerry

This Is WAY Too Good To Be True

Really? Of all the things you can Google and end up here, this has got to be the best...and kind of the most sad.

huge-cock "evanston IL"

Hilarious...I am result #1. I actually wrote those things in close enough proximity to be Google-able. I think they would have gotten better results if they had not hyphenated huge-cock...

Sad, though...that there is someone on AOL that is lonely in Evanston tonight. (Well, maybe not anymore...)

Really going to bed now...

A Joke for You...

From Throbyn Toole--

• These 2 hydrogen atoms are hanging out in a bar. The one turns to the other and says, "Man, I left my electron at the bar." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, man...I'm positive."

Wait for it...Get it? Geeeet it?

Carlos Mencia

OK, so this guy is on Comedy Central...Carlos Mencia. He's hysterical. Love him...watch his show. Another show I love...Desperate Housewives. (DesWives) Gabrielle's mother-in-law...That's Carlos Mencia's MOTHER. I knew there was something connecting those 2 favorites.

Nothing else to talk about tonight...EXCEPT...ADAM is back online. !AND! It's his birfday. Stop by and wish him well on his *cough*22nd*ahem*.

That's all I have for you right now...BUT, I am off tomorrow...so you better be ready.

Hoodily Doodily

Haven't posted in a couple days...no biggie...

Friday night we went out to the Knickerbocker and (I) got wasted. We had a (literal) load of fun. We are now known there as the 'Shoe Crew'...I think it might be spelled "Shew Crew", but I am not sure... I finally got home at about 4:00 (I think) on Saturday morning and had to be at work at 9:45...that was fun. Did nothing Saturday night but try to watch MADTV. It was actually pretty funny, but my digital cable kept pixelating on me...sucks. Sunday...work again...nothing exciting, but a pretty good day in sales.

My friend John from Boston was in town Sunday, and I was supposed to meet him to do something... He called me at 8:57 and said they were going to watch QAF at my friend Swen's house. Well, I haven't seen John in 4 years and haven't seen Swen in 3...and he said there were "bunches and whole gobs" of people over. I wasn't up for that, so I promised him I would visit him in Boston soon.

Got an AIM from Lynn...Poker at Jeff and Holly's...sounds like fun to me. We got there at about 10:30...my old boss' husband was playing. AWKWARD... He left soon, though...

We drank much beer, had much laughs... Holly is now OFFICIALLY (there have been studies done) known as Hoodily Doodily...and Lynn continues to gather random nicknames. We met Ted...super cute...good poker player...I got to sit next to him for a good hour...he smelled good, too. We met Zach...also pretty cute...much better at conversation. Then we met 'Doc'. HILARIOUS. 49 years old...was in the NAVY SEALS for 14 1/2 years. Shot 12 times...grenades 2 times...something like that...has 14 purple hearts...WHAT?!?!?! Yeah, that's what I said. He told great jokes...NAVY jokes, Irish jokes, gay jokes.....and I asked him for a Scottish joke. (My father's family is 100% Scottish.)

• Why wasn't the baby Jesus born in Scotland?
• They couldn't find 3 wise men, let alone one virgin!

HILARIOUS!

(I've heard that joke before...using just about every country...but it's still hilarious...)

So...We drank all of the Rolling Rock that we brought with us...and then some Natty Light...YECH! Jeff had managed to get 2 30-packs for $20, and he was proud. I don''t know about proud...I could go buy 18 bags of cat shit for a buck, but I wouldn't.

Super hysterical fun was had...good times...noodle soup.

(By the way...If I hear about one more of my 'straight' girl friends admitting their lesbian tendencies...I might just explode.)

OK...well, off to bed with me now. I bought Me Talk Pretty One Day at Walden Books today...So I am spending my night with David Sedaris...until I have to wake up at 8:45 for work...and now it is 3:30...YAY

(By the way, I am a little drunk...just a little.)

Cock + Tail = Happy Matty McMattMatt

In honor of going out, I got this little quiz from chip-chat. (Great name, by the way...it's just like mine!)


Cocktail


?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


Well, I guess that takes care of my choices for the night...I will be drinking cocktails...as if there were ever any doubt.

Drinking and Kissing Catholics...

A word about the counter...I looked at the page yesterday, as I tend to do, and saw that the counter had dropped by 1,000. I didn't think 1,000 people had UNvisited me, so I went to SiteMeter and added 1,000 back on to make it correct again. OOPS...that extra zero really threw it for a loop....and it corrected itself. So, although it was nice to see a BIG number like 14,000, it wasn't true. :( I am still at 4,000 and change. (Which I think is superb considering my -extremely- low expectations for this endeavor.)

Tonight Holly, Lynn, Paul, Robyn, Stacy, and I are hitting the Bocker (Knickerbocker for those of you that are not local...BiggerKnockers for those of you that are drunk.) tonight for drinks. Not a great idea since Lynn and I both have to work at 10:00 in the morning...but a good enough idea, anyway. Joe (The Guy I Am Supposed To Meet) might be there, too...so I have to get all cuted up.

In ENTIRELY other news, someone got here today by searching for Hottie Pope on Google. I am on there...results page 31-40...but definitely listed. PLEASE tell me this person was not describing Benedict XVIIPQL...PLEASE. I get some VERY strange Google's...but that one was good, lol. My most often referred search is for this pic...

from a quiz I took over 3 months ago. It was 'What Kind of Hot Boy Kiss Are You?' and I got:

You are a School Boy Kiss!! you're a deprived catholic school boy who needs some action...don't get caught in the locker room!

Evidently, it's a very popular search term...for catholic school boys kissing...I get at least 4-5 hits a day for that pic. I like it, too, lol...

So, have a good night everyone...and a good weekend.

The Bushes Are Coming

Prexy Bush is in Indianapolis this weekend...for Indiana Black Expo. OOOH, and he is playing all nicey nicey with our congresspeople...

Julia Carson...love her...democratic congresswoman from Indiana got to ride in Air Force One with the President. She joked that she thought the way to ease his troubles with the country is to appoint her as a supreme court justice...and she wants everyone to know that she 'ain't have no man trouble no more'. LOVE HER...

HAHA...Paris AND Matty McMattMatt Hate You

City tells Cruise: Forget Paris

Published July 14, 2005 Chicago Tribune

First Oprah Winfrey is snubbed by Hermes in Paris, and now Tom Cruise is unwelcome in the whole city.

During a debate Tuesday, Paris' City Hall pledged "never to welcome the actor Tom Cruise, spokesman for Scientology and self-declared militant for this organization," MSNBC reports.

And this from the city where he chose to propose to his latest lady love, Katie Holmes.

Cruise once was made an honorary citizen of Marseille, but many French authorities consider his religion to be a cult.

So far, no comment from the Cruise camp on the snub by the City of Light.

Team Aniston

Am I the last to know that Brad Pitt has viral meningitis? I guess if he weren't galavanting around the globe with his new hussy he wouldn't have to worry about things like that. (I wonder if being diagnosed with meningitis adversely affects your chances at adoption?)

By the way...about that...Supposedly Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are co-adopting a child. How does that work? They aren't married (to each other)...and have made no plans to, as far as I know. I didn't realize that two people, famous as they may be, could make and break adoption laws...I don't see it happening.

Oh and, Brad Pitt, you are TOTALLY losing the media in this...Jennifer is being quiet and private about her life...AS SHOULD YOU! No one likes you with Jolie...Kitson says so. They were selling the infamous 'Team Aniston' and 'Team Jolie' baseball tees earlier this summer...and good ole Jen won out, hands down...

Maybe it is true that Brad and Jen had agreed to have a family at X time in X number of years...but, who can blame Jennifer for wanting a career, too? Yes, she was on one of the most wildly successful sitcoms of all time...but then her film career 'took off'. I don't blame her for wanting to get everything out of it while she can..we all know movies are a fickle business.

OOOH...and did we all here that Prince Albert (in a can) has a little bastard baby? Evidently, a couple years ago, he had a little fly in the sky with an Air France flight attendant. And all this time we were worried that the royal line of Monaco might collapse due to lack of heirs. Nicole Coste is her name and, I believe, she is French. The best information on her I can get is from Paris Match magazine. My French is a little rusty, but from what I can gather she was married at the time they met. She was working as a flight attendant on a flight he took from Paris to Nice. She divorced the next year and, evidently, they were not secretive about their relationship. She does admit, though, that after meeting Prince Albert's father, they were much more discreet about their little tryst. Those wacky Monaco-ans...they'll invite anyone into the royal bloodline, won't they?

I Will Hug Him and Squeeze Him and Call Him George - Bugs Bunny

I got my very own acronym at Tottyland. (Evidently it happened a month ago, and I was not paying attention.) I know 'The Tragic Demise of an American Dream' is a little unwieldy to say/type/whatever...even I just call this thing 'Tragic Demise' now.

Bill, over at Tottyland, has taken it a step further. You can now all call me TDAD. There seems to be a veiled, homoerotic context there...but I can't put my finger on it. Some wierd combo of a leather-daddy at a T-dance?

By the way, if you enjoy good pictures of famous men...some half naked, some half famous...click over to Tottyland. It's updated daily and rarely never disappoints.

Thanks, You Guys...

So, I had a little meltdown on Tuesday. It sounded a lot worse than it actually was...mostly because I didn't censor what I was saying and about a week's worth of emotions were spewed into one crazy post.

I am not going crazy...at least no more than the fun level of crazy that I tend to be all the time.

I just want to say thanks to everyone that commented/AIMed/e-mailed me. I heard from people I never expected to...and some people I don't even know.

Sometimes, when you're feeling very alone...you are just ignoring the people that you KNOW love and care for you.

I find it funny to see how certain people react to emotion. My friends tend to be fairly stoic. Not in a bad way...more of a 'you know I'm here if you need me...but please don't need me' kind of way.

On a different note...Holly said her friend Joe, that I met Saturday night, wants to see me again. I was a little upset that I was so drunk when I met him the first time...but Holly said he was wasted, too. He is opening a new restaurant, Lafayette City Grill, here in town. It is going to be a Chicago-style steakhouse right here in little old Lafayette. I think it is a very cool idea and I am really excited about meeting him again.

Most of you don't know this...but you do now. Since February, I have been living in my grandmother's house. This has served a dual-purpose. She is 76 and has some health problems. Sometimes she needs someone around to do things that she can't...and just having someone around to talk to helps her. It doesn't hurt that my monthly bills have been cut in half, either. I don't mean to make it out that she is an invalid...she still works and is self-sufficient, but there are things that she can't do.

I realized, though, on Tuesday, that I haven't had ANY time alone in the past 5 months. If I am at home...so is she. The only time I am in the house by myself is if, like today, I work late in the day...Then I have an hour or so to myself. I think that has been my problem...I am pretty selfish in how I spend my time. Most times, I want to be surrounded by people...I enjoy crowds and tend to hate being by myself. BUT...when I do want to be alone, I tend to lose patience with anyone that would like to interrupt that. I'm fickle like that.

Anyway...Thank you all for your kind words.

Cutest Thing...EVER!

So, I got back from physical therapy and found an honest-to-god letter in my mailbox...from a real person. Well, a miniature person. My cousins both have 2 children and the oldest had a birthday about a month ago. To show how not close my family is, I didn't really know how old she was going to be. So I did what any good cousin would do...I sent money. Nothing big - I think it was like $20-25. Well, today I got a thank you note...Something that makes me almost not hate the idea of having kids. Since I don't have a scanner, you will have to imagine the handwriting...

Dear Cousin,

Thank you for the something leder and the mony and I bot a toy and thank you for caring.

Shelby

See, kids are not all evil...all the time.

Free me, leave me - Watch me as I'm going down - Free me, see me - Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling.

I feel crazy.

Nothing seems right.

I had a dr appt today. She prescribed more pain meds. I hate meds. I have to take DayPro (anti-inflammatory), Flexiril (muscle relaxant), and LorTab (for pain). The Flexiril is supposed to help me sleep...I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night for over a month. My blood pressure is so high I could have a stroke at any time. I have had a migraine for over a week.

I went for a walk after I got back from the pharmacy. It rained. I got lost. I walked for 2 hours...in sandals. It's easy to think your problems are stupid when you are wet and lost.

My mania, I think, is at epic proportions. I have three options lately: a) Laughing out loud. b) Screaming at the top of my lungs. c) Resigned to complete silence.

I have been drinking far less than ever...but thinking, more than ever, that I drink too much.

I don't feel like a real person. I feel like I am pretending to be who I appear. Who am I? Does it even matter? Would it change anything? I fear not.

Why am I writing this...it's not changing anything. Talking about shit never helps. I never know what to say...how to say...why to say. Therapy -- I can't be therapied any more. I can't be honest with myself...how should I be honest with a perfect stranger? even a professional stranger. That's all therapists are...professional strangers.

Nothing is working right. I have no money. Moving plans to Chicago are not materializing. Staying here is hardly an option. There are few people here that I care about...few people anywhere that I feel care about me.

I have been slapped in the face by my past. A person I was once...but never was...that makes no sense. A person I once pretended to be...an attitude I once carried...a persona I once wore. That reputation has taken a detour and beaten me here...The person I changed from and left behind is back.

I don't like being in moods like this with a ready supply of drugs. I am not going to do anything stupid...It would be pointless, anyway. I am going to bed.

Another...

Another shooting in Evanston, IL...

I don't know if this is one of those self-fulfilling prophecy things or what. (That is not really the wording I was going for, but I can't remember...) You know how it is...You buy a Volkswagen and all the sudden it seems like EVERYONE drives a VW. That's how it seems with Evanston.

Lynn's friend-who-is-a-boy, Paul, is living in Evanston for the summer. In just the past couple months there have been 3-4 shootings on Chicago's North Shore. This one was not fatal, but others have been. Evanston is a great town thisclose to Chicago...literally one block out of the city. I have always liked Evanston and got to spend quite a bit of time there when we visited Paul a month or so ago. Just wierd that I am hearing so much about shootings there...bizarre.

In other Chicago news: Naperville, IL was named the 3rd best city to live in. My friend Brittnie is from Naperville, and I know she sure loves it. If you have to live int he suburbs, I guess Naperville would be the place to be...30 miles (45 minutes) out of the city and TONS of stuff to do. The downside, I guess, would be home prices. Supposedly, you can get a house for $250,000...but don't expect to actually find anything for less than $500,000...and that's if you can find a house that isn't being torn down to make way for the multi-million dollar homes springing up all around the city.

So, in conclusion: Move to Chicago...You'll love it. Just make sure you live in Naperville instead of Evanston. *Don't look...They'll shoot you!*

My blogster friend Ethan aka BratBoy introduced me to Connexion. It's similar to Friendster, but it's all new and fresh...and fun. It lets you enter a lot of info about yourself, if you wanna...really good profile page. Stop by and send me a message, or add me as a friend. We'll have lots of fun...promise.

Supreme Court

Listen To The Music

So, um.....

We went out last night. And I said goodbye to the last bit of willpower I ever pretended to have. I am supposed to be saving money for the wedding and other related expenses. So, I went out instead. Holly's boyfriend is the bartender at the Knickerbocker. (Indiana's oldest bar...they'll tell you the story.)

When we got there Holly had gone to dinner with our friend Michelle who moved to Indianapolis recently. After our second round of drinks, in they burst through the door in all their drunken glory. We all sat around a big table and, literally, laughed our asses off. (When I say literally, I mean I fell of my chair laughing at least once.) Suddenly the topic of kissing came up and Lynn started telling stories. It is pretty widely known that when I get drunk, I want to make out with someone. The very first night that I went out with Lynn and her friends we ended up making out on the porch of James' house -- much to their shock...I had just been introduced as 'Lynn's Gay Friend'. Shit happens. A few months later at Where Else, Holly introduced us to her friend Greg-with-the-huge-penis. (I think that's his actual name.) Holly and I ended up making out that night. Hell, almost everyone made out that night.

So, I'm not entirely sure why or how...but I ended up in the women's restroom with Michelle...making out in a stall. It was ridiculous. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out my sexuality, lol. (And trying to convince Michelle that I wanted to date her.) I was seriously on the verge of straightness when Holly introduced me to Joe...her older, handsome, successful (and gay) friend. I liked him. So I am pretty sure I am gay -- don't worry.

I also ran into my old roommate, Mollie. She is a singer. Great singer. Best singer I have ever known. Her band, tonedefsystems allstars, is awesome. They are a very unique blend of techno, hip-hop, vocals, and I don't know what else. Click over to their website and hit 'artists' 'tonedefsystems allstars' to hear Mollie and the guys do their thing. (Quicktime required) '765' is one of my favorite songs on there. It's about Lafayette, our hometome, and includes a snip of another great song about Lafayette, 'Paradise City.' "Take me down to the paradise city - Where the grass is green - and the girls are pretty - Won't you please take me home" Also listen to 'Where Were You'.

She used to sing blues, and you can tell in her voice. She always reminds me of Janice Joplin when I hear her live. If you could persuade her to sing 'Me and Bobby McGee' you would be very lucky, indeed. I remember one night, while we were living together, that we scraped our money together (CoinStar was involved) and headed down the street to a local bar. There were only about 20 people in the bar and after a couple rounds I convinced her to sing. Just sitting on barstools in a local gay dive she busted Bobby McGee out...a capella...and got a standing ovation. I love that woman. We loved living together...she liked the way the bathroom smelled after I showered, (I don't think her previous roommate showered that often) and when she would sing in the shower, I would sit in the hallway and listen. We only lived together for a year, but we packed a lot of experiences in. (We were on Ricki Lake together...I know I keep promising to talk about that...but this is not the post.)

Oh, I also drunk dialed Adam last night when I got home. I have no idea what time it was or what I said...but I know I was drinking another beer at the time. That was probably a bad idea. I didn't get out of bed today until 4:00...and that was only to get food. I am going back to bed...enjoy the music.

4,000 visits since the end of March. Love you guys.

I've Got A Big Night Planned

Rented these:



Bought these:



And I am going to spend the night with my good friend

Blogging The Fifth Nail

Blogging The Fifth Nail

Wow...watching Dateline (or something) about the disappearance of this Shasta girl in Idaho. The accused child molestor was right here on Blogger with us. How many other crimes are being discussed among us?

His last entry, on May 13th, has recieved some 1,100 comments...all from people condemning him...I assume after the story broke nationally.

It got me thinking about what would happen if I ever got in trouble for something. Have I written things in my blog that I shouldn't have? Who knows. I don't plan on censoring anything I say (or have said)...but it makes you think. Who will you find if you press that Next Blog button at the top? A grandmother? Teacher? Neighbor? Your new best friend? Psychotic pedophile? Murderer? Click it...see what happens.

Let me know in comments who you find and I will post a special BlogRoll in the next couple days of what we discover.

It's SO Big!

So, I just got an e-mail from someone that was surprised at the view of Chicago's skyline. They didn't think there were any tall buildings in the Midwest. One quick Google Search later it was confirmed. Of the tallest 10 buildings in the country, 5 are in Chicago. (Most not shown in the photo I previously used.) Two are in New York...One in L.A. Eat that, bitches...lol.


1 -- Sears Tower, Chicago -- 1,450
2 -- Empire State Building, New York -- 1,250
3 -- Aon Centre, Chicago -- 1,136
4 -- John Hancock Center, Chicago -- 1,127
5 -- Chrysler Building, New York -- 1,046
6 -- Bank of America Plaza, Atlanta -- 1,023
7 -- Library Tower, Los Angeles -- 1,018
8 -- AT&T Corporate Center, Chicago -- 1,007
9 -- JP Morgan Chase Tower, Houston -- 1,002
10 -- Two Prudential Plaza, Chicago -- 995


On the left you can see the Sear's Tower and Grant Park near The Loop. To the right (north) of the Loop is the Chicago River flowing into the city. (It used to flow into the lake.) Just north of the river you can see Navy Pier jutting into the lake and that black tower at the foot of the pier is where Oprah live(d). On the far north you can see the John Hancock Building. It's affectionately called the Top 'o' the Cock. Soon the Trump Tower Chicago will rise on the edge of the river to almost the height of the Sears Tower. This photo still only shows about 2 miles of the skyline...it continues far to the north.

Mommy Takes Pills

Here's my Chicago post. I'm not really in the mood to write, though...so here are some pretty pictures for you from the city.


This is the sign as you come into the city on the toll-road. Richard Daley has been the mayor for about 600 years, and his father was mayor before him. He gets to be mayor until he wants to stop, basically.


This is a view from below the Skyway. The Skyway is an EXTREMELY elevated toll bridge that takes you into the city. Those things at the bottom of the picture are the tops of some VERY tall smokestacks at a factory that the bridge goes OVER. It gets a little scary when it's windy.


A view of Chicago's gorgeous skyline including the Sear's Tower, the tallest building in America.


Buckingham Fountain in Grant Park. (You might know this as the Married With Children fountain.)


BAH. I hate paying for parking. Two hours=$10. But, it was close to the hotel...to unload bags. Better than the $35/night at the hotel.


Yes, we stayed at the Days Inn Lincoln Park North. BUT! It was voted the best Days Inn of 2004...so it's not that bad. We had a HUGE credit card scandal while trying to check in...but a couple of faxes later we had everything straightened out.


Found a parking spot across the street from one of my favorite bars. OOPS...I forgot there was a Cubs game while we were in town, but we didn't get ticketed or towed...YAY.

We grabbed Jimmy John's sandwiches and headed back to the hotel. Ate. Showered. Dressed. Time to go out.


Started at Cocktail. Ordered $5 drinks. Found out pitchers of drinks are $9...ordered a pitcher.


Went to Sidetrack. Checked out all 5 bars inside...LOVE the new rooftop bar. (It was raining so we couldn't go outside, but it was nice.)


After-Hours at Charlie's. I love bars that stay open till 5:00. Made a new friend, Michael, in line. Then met his cute friend Isaac. Tall(er than me), great kisser, huge cock. We spent the next couple hours dancing/groping/kissing/drinking. Got a #.


Totally ditched Isaac and took a taxi back to the hotel. Changed clothes and shoes.


Walked to Lake Michigan to watch the sun rise at Diversey Harbor. Then back to the hotel for breakfast. That was a lot of walking in


these...my cute Kenneth Cole sandals. OW OW OW...OW

Woke up the next day...did nothing. The we did nothing. After some more nothing we decided to go to

The Marshall Field's on State St takes up and entire Chicago city block and is 9 floors. It is a retail mecca. We got there at 5:30...oops, they closed at 6:00...we only got through 2 floors. You can see Millenium Park from Field's on State...most exciting is Cloud Gate (aka The Bean). If you stand on the east side you get a a great reflected view of the lake and sky...on the west side is a gorgeous view of the Skyline.


Headed back to the hotel. Lounged in the room for a while...then got ready to go out again.


Hydrate had their 4th of July special...$1 drinks. Guess where we were ALL night.

Another cab to the hotel, another night...checked out...walked to the car...met Paul for lunch at Einstein Bagels. Took Lynn to GayMart and Cupid's Treasures. Met a SUPER cute

HRC boy. (They had their big dinner in Chicago this weekend.) I am already a member...so he recruited Lynn. She forgot her checkbook...oops.

Headed back to the car. We had a deal...I was going to drive into the city and Lynn was going to try to drive home. She has never driven anywhere in Chicago, so we thought it would be good for her to start. When we got to the car, though, she had to pee. I didn't know where a restroom was, though, so I drove around to find one. I know my way around the city, but I have a hard time giving people clear directions from the passenger seat...tensions arise. So, I ended up driving home. No big deal, except my heel still hurt from walking all that way in those damn (super cute) sandals.

Holly was super happy to see me when I got to work Wednesday afternoon...and then immediately threw up and went home. I am trying to pretend that it wasn't me that made her ill, lol.

Nothing exciting since then...Been up since 3:00 am this morning when I happened to turn on the TV and see the London coverage on MSNBC...can't sleep after things like that. Going to sleep now...

Enjoy the Chicago pictures...