Free me, leave me - Watch me as I'm going down - Free me, see me - Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling.
I feel crazy.
Nothing seems right.
I had a dr appt today. She prescribed more pain meds. I hate meds. I have to take DayPro (anti-inflammatory), Flexiril (muscle relaxant), and LorTab (for pain). The Flexiril is supposed to help me sleep...I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night for over a month. My blood pressure is so high I could have a stroke at any time. I have had a migraine for over a week.
I went for a walk after I got back from the pharmacy. It rained. I got lost. I walked for 2 hours...in sandals. It's easy to think your problems are stupid when you are wet and lost.
My mania, I think, is at epic proportions. I have three options lately: a) Laughing out loud. b) Screaming at the top of my lungs. c) Resigned to complete silence.
I have been drinking far less than ever...but thinking, more than ever, that I drink too much.
I don't feel like a real person. I feel like I am pretending to be who I appear. Who am I? Does it even matter? Would it change anything? I fear not.
Why am I writing this...it's not changing anything. Talking about shit never helps. I never know what to say...how to say...why to say. Therapy -- I can't be therapied any more. I can't be honest with myself...how should I be honest with a perfect stranger? even a professional stranger. That's all therapists are...professional strangers.
Nothing is working right. I have no money. Moving plans to Chicago are not materializing. Staying here is hardly an option. There are few people here that I care about...few people anywhere that I feel care about me.
I have been slapped in the face by my past. A person I was once...but never was...that makes no sense. A person I once pretended to be...an attitude I once carried...a persona I once wore. That reputation has taken a detour and beaten me here...The person I changed from and left behind is back.
I'm just saying... @ 5:30 PM
3 Comments:
Matty, you okay? Don't think too much, thats' when shit like this goes through your head. You do have people that care for you. I don't even know you and I care for you.
I hope you're feeling better today, Matt. You know, oddly enough I had a dream about you last night. We were in a hotel room getting ready for Tiffany's wedding, and you were blowdrying my hair. Is that weird? Anyway, you have a lot of people that care about you, and I'm looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks.
Sorry I missed the meltdown and wasn't here for ya...but glad you are back to better! I was gone for a couple of weeks but am back in the saddle again!
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