White DE version 2

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Free me, leave me - Watch me as I'm going down - Free me, see me - Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling.

I feel crazy.

Nothing seems right.

I had a dr appt today. She prescribed more pain meds. I hate meds. I have to take DayPro (anti-inflammatory), Flexiril (muscle relaxant), and LorTab (for pain). The Flexiril is supposed to help me sleep...I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night for over a month. My blood pressure is so high I could have a stroke at any time. I have had a migraine for over a week.

I went for a walk after I got back from the pharmacy. It rained. I got lost. I walked for 2 hours...in sandals. It's easy to think your problems are stupid when you are wet and lost.

My mania, I think, is at epic proportions. I have three options lately: a) Laughing out loud. b) Screaming at the top of my lungs. c) Resigned to complete silence.

I have been drinking far less than ever...but thinking, more than ever, that I drink too much.

I don't feel like a real person. I feel like I am pretending to be who I appear. Who am I? Does it even matter? Would it change anything? I fear not.

Why am I writing this...it's not changing anything. Talking about shit never helps. I never know what to say...how to say...why to say. Therapy -- I can't be therapied any more. I can't be honest with myself...how should I be honest with a perfect stranger? even a professional stranger. That's all therapists are...professional strangers.

Nothing is working right. I have no money. Moving plans to Chicago are not materializing. Staying here is hardly an option. There are few people here that I care about...few people anywhere that I feel care about me.

I have been slapped in the face by my past. A person I was once...but never was...that makes no sense. A person I once pretended to be...an attitude I once carried...a persona I once wore. That reputation has taken a detour and beaten me here...The person I changed from and left behind is back.

I don't like being in moods like this with a ready supply of drugs. I am not going to do anything stupid...It would be pointless, anyway. I am going to bed.


Blogger Rigo said...

Matty, you okay? Don't think too much, thats' when shit like this goes through your head. You do have people that care for you. I don't even know you and I care for you.

12:44 AM  
Blogger flannel04 said...

I hope you're feeling better today, Matt. You know, oddly enough I had a dream about you last night. We were in a hotel room getting ready for Tiffany's wedding, and you were blowdrying my hair. Is that weird? Anyway, you have a lot of people that care about you, and I'm looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks.

9:27 AM  
Blogger Ethan said...

I hope youre feeling better. I know those feelings. Just to throw it out there, but have you ever looked at your diet to make sure its not causing you harm?

3:43 PM  
Blogger FB said...

Feel better. This too shall pass. Yeah that saying sucks but it's actually true. Your young and you have a lot more time than you think. Relax and all will fall into place when it can, not when you want it to. Yeah that sucks too. But it is also true.

Big Hugs To You

5:49 PM  
Blogger . said...

Sorry I missed the meltdown and wasn't here for ya...but glad you are back to better! I was gone for a couple of weeks but am back in the saddle again!

11:17 PM  

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