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Thursday, August 04, 2005

Prozac Nation

OK...I am only 5 minutes in to Prozac Nation and I have already seen Christina Ricci's tits. (That phrase will be a Google dream, lol) Reminds me of a joke.
  • What did the ghost say to the bees?
  • BOO! Bees.
Get it? Funny, right?

OK...back to the movie.

~~~OK, so a movie about depression and suicide seems like it would be just about the worst choice for me right now. On the contrary, it is exactly what I needed. You know how sometimes when you are down, in a bad mood, you listen to depressing/angry music...and it makes you feel better? Somehow, just hearing or seeing what you are thinking makes it all make sense. Maybe you're not so crazy, after all. Someone else, whether you know them or not (usually not), has felt the same thing. I know I said I was going to go downtown to one of the centers on Tuesday. Well, things came up on Tuesday...and I was broke. I don't want to walk in (regardless of sliding fee scales) and offer them $10. I am going next week...Monday, I think.

(I have been thinking a lot lately about the prospect of going back on meds. When I was on them, I hated that I had lost my highs and lows. Now, there are no highs...a medium would be welcome. God, how passe I am I? Another fag on anti-depressants. Oh well...These are the gays of our lives.)

There is a moment in the movie when Christina Ricci's character refers to something Hemingway once said.
Asked how people go bankrupt, Hemingway said, "Two ways: gradually, then suddenly."
And she likens it to depression. I have never thought of it that way. It sneaks up on you, and yet it bursts upon you in a morbid explosion of bleakness. Some days you wake up afraid you are going to die...but the worst are the days you wake up afraid you are going to live.

I am not going to be afraid to live.

4 Comments:

Blogger kinkyrhombus said...

i'm not a psychologist nor can i attest to being a doctor. i can't therefore comment on your state of mind or whether you choose to go back on meds or not. what i can say is that, the openness you've shown in sharing these hard experiences speaks of the courage you possess. i can only imagine what it must feel like to lose someone so close, but you have shown yourself to be strong enough to get through it. my best wishes to you.

3:03 AM  
Blogger FB said...

Don't worry if it's an over done cliche. Gays, meds. Just don't be like Judy!!! Got it!!

Some of us just need a little extra boost. No shame in that.

Bigger hugs to you!!!!

4:26 AM  
Blogger Matt S. said...

Matty,
Just dod what you have to do to take care of yourself, if that means going on the meds, more power to you. You have to put yourself first. Joining in hugs with FB, so now we are having a group hug!

3:56 PM  
Blogger The Prynce said...

Hey, bro. Just found your site from where you'd posted a comment on some ignorant conservative's blog.

I love that movie. I'm sure I have some asshole friends that would do the typical and say 'the book is better' but in the book, you can't see Christina Ricci's tits. lol.

I have been on medication for my depression for a few years now after years without any treatment. Personally, I hate the way they make me feel. I can't be happy, I can't be sad. I can only be bland. I hated the feelings that came with my depression without medication, but I liked who I was a hell of a lot more.
And as of late, the medication hasn't been enough. I still find myself in very deep depressive episodes. I'd probably just stop but withdrawls on my current medication are HORRIBLE and I start to feel them if I'm a few hours late taking my pill. I went through withdrawls with Paxil and that was bad enough but I dunno if I can handle these.
Not only that but I have a 9 month old son and I love him to no end and I'm afraid of what may happen if I stop my medication and that he may be left without a daddy.

The end of the movie makes a valid point. People are getting anti-depressants these days because they're bored with life. My girlfriend's parents are both on anti-depressants and neither are depressed. Hell, they don't even understand depression. They actually fussed at my girlfriend for wanting help for her depression. That type of people bug me to the core.

Keep your head up, brother. I wish I had the strength and determination that you do. I have a friend like that who I strongly envy/admire. He can just sit there and talk things out to himself and basically talk himself out of a depressive state. He's gay, too (I'm guessing that you're gay from this post). Maybe it comes from the strength it takes to survive as a homosexual in America.

-=The Prynce

2:18 PM  

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