White DE version 2

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Closer...to What??

Jude Law is single-handledly assuring that I never date again. Between 'Closer' and 'Alfie' he has convinced me that the people that should be together never are, the people that need each other are separated, the people that love each other can't handle it, and the people that hate themselves are the only ones that can face it.

We learn early that honesty is the key to a good relationship. We need honesty to know where we are in the world. We need a reference point of honesty to know how to deal with everything that isn't. "Without it, we are animals." What are we with it? Maybe worse...

Fuck honesty.

It hurts...almost always. It is used to damage. It cuts the deepest...because it is meant. When we are at our lowest and needing to abase someone, we are honest. When we are hurt, we lash out to hurt...with honesty.

Why not a little pretend once in a while? Not even pretending to love, just trying...and not being completely honest about the failure of it along the way. Does every attempt have to be successful to be worthwhile? I know it hurts at the end when it's pretend and it's not as fulfilling as full-blown head-over-heels love...but it's something, isn't it?

I miss love...I think I remember it. You are reminded of them when you see the shirt they bought hanging in the store and you want to call them. You think you see their car...everywhere. You have schoolgirl moments where you buy them a stuffed animal and a balloon...and it's not even their birthday. And you don't have a moment of regret when you wake up after a night out, you have a hangover, and you roll over to see them...because they were there with you...and they're staying for breakfast.
and lunch.
and dinner.
and forever.
for now.

That's all I want...I want to try...I want to pretend...I want for now.

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