White DE version 2

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Goodbye My Something-Or-Other

First of all, I would like to know why everytime I try to go to Queerty, Jossip tries to load? It's frustrating.

So, 20 left last night for Minnesota. My feelings are mixed. When I went into this I made the rule of no involvement. !I! made the rule. I suck at following rules, evidently. I'm involved.

I had lunch with Robyn yesterday at taste of China. I had the day off and met her on campus for lunch. I do love me some Taste of China buffet. Both of us ate for only $12...hoorah. After lunch I headed home and went all trailer-trash and put up plastic over the windows. I had never done it before because (everytime I have seen it) it always looks wrinkly and crappy. (Like poorly installed window tint.) Luckily, it was really easy to do and with a quick blow (from the hair dryer) it looked perfect and is completely invisible.

While at lunch with Robyn, I mentioned that I would rather just go home and avoid 20 on his last day here. I thought it would be easier to regret not having said goodbye than actually having to do it. I finally grew up and decided not to avoid the inevitable. I headed over to 20's house and helped him pack up his kitchen. We sat on the floor to watch a movie and (obviously) things progressed. Stupid boy...he had packed everything from his nightstand already, so we were rooting through his U-Haul trying to find the right box while we were 3/4 dressed and *cough* ready. We spent the rest of the evening with each other on a mattress on the floor of his bedroom. Each time one of us would bring up the subject of him leaving, the other would roll over and initiate sex again. I still don't know how I feel about it. I don't think he is 'the one for me' or me for him. But, who ever knows? All I know is I feel a little empty today. Missing. Gone. When I was leaving his house he said he had a present for me. From his coat pocket he took a Mizpah coin. My mother and step-father shared one of these for all the years they were together until the day she died. It holds a special meaning and bond in my family. Unfortunately, it's not a bond that 20 and I share. I also don't think that he is ready to share his heart. I told him to keep it until he was complete enough to be able to give part of himself away. He understood and we leaned against the door crying together for about 10 minutes before he pulled himself away and said, "Well, I guess it's time for me to get on the road." And that was the end. We silently walked outside and I waved to him as he pulled away.

We have a new Music of the Moment from James Blunt. I am choosing 'Goodbye My Lover'. 20 and I have listened to it over and over together and certain parts of it definitely ring true.

Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


Blogger Matt S. said...

I'm sorry to hear that you are down today. Take care of yourself. You will find the right person to give your whole heart to soon enough.

2:59 PM  
Blogger kinkyrhombus said...

aww sweetie, i respect and admire how you handled the Mizpah coin

3:59 PM  
Blogger Armilish said...

Hang in there, Matty...

1:20 AM  

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